Monday, June 22, 2009

"How long you think we got before the end of the world?" says me.
"Forever!" says Giblets. "We'll outlast the universe with nothing but gumption and can-do and thousands of tiny robots!"
"It's true!" says me. "A year before the end of the world we will solve the everything shortage through the invention of a miraculous device that can make anything out of simple air and dirt!"
"Now all we need is a way to replenish our rapidly dwindling supply of air and dirt," says Giblets.
"A dangerous rogue nation begins exploiting the air shortage through the suspected inhalation of strategic air currents," says me.
"Sabers are rattled, sanctions imposed, war is declared!" says Giblets.
"Who wins the war?" says me.
"No one," says Giblets, "but that's not important, what's important is the principle!"
"That's right!" says me. "And what's the principle?"
"Eh, who cares," says Giblets. "Meanwhile a super-secret rocket ship carrying our best and brightest rich people blasts off from earth to start up a newer, sexier earth in the vastness of space!"
"They are caught by the government of space and deported for overstaying their visas," says me.
"A month before the end of the world we solve all our energy problems by tapping into the vast inexhaustible power source of the sun!" says Giblets.
"A week after that we run outta sun," says me.
"And who needs the fat stupid sun anyway, so stupid and fat!" says Giblets.
"A deadly rogue nation is suspected of exploiting the dirt crisis by hoarding its own supply of dirt," says me, "as well as a secret stockpile of rocks, which could be potentially enriched into dirt."
"Sabers are rattled, sanctions imposed, war is declared!" says Giblets.
"A week before the end of the world it's finally time for the rapture," says me. "The skies open up and the heavens roll back and God descends from the firmament to rescue his chosen people, the Ganges river dolphin."
"Stupid dolphins, with their universal brotherhood and their gentleness of spirit!" says Giblets. "We shoulda finished em off when we had the chance."
"A day before the end of the world there's a super-big emergency meeting of super-big emergency countries about the end of the world," says me. "The big question of the day is, what are we gonna do about the end of the world?"
"Sabers are rattled, sanctions imposed, war is declared!" says Giblets.
"An hour before the end of the world we're sittin in a bunker thinkin about all the valuable lessons we learned," says me.
"Giblets has learned how to draw a turkey by tracing his hand and adding a smiley face," says Giblets.
"And I learned that if you try real hard anything is possible in the end!" says me.
"It's too bad we didn't try then," says Giblets.
"Well maybe next time," says me.

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posted by fafnir at 10:13 AM




19 Comments:
I take it you've been watching the new Squidbillies dvd.
by Anonymous locust, at June 22, 2009 12:03 PM
Great to hear from you guys again! I hope I make the cut for newer, sexier earth.
We're looking into a rocket that uses two infinitely renewable resources -- enhanced interrogation techniques and tax cuts! Today, the Milky Way, tomorrow... the World!
What about the part when that other deadly rogue nation starts hoarding exploitation?
I see the green shoots of the new universe already. The new universe is going to be a lot like the old universe except of course it will be new and you'll still have to pay off your old debts. There might be some new regulations but you don't have to worry about that stuff, if you happen to still be around.
by Anonymous rapier, at June 22, 2009 7:33 PM
If only we could sustain the universe with a dash of Kool menthol smoothness and the seductive flavor of sweet, sweet tobacco. Or a jar of hi-test corn squeezins and a couple of amphetamines. Or the power of full-bore stupid. Then we would be in business.
Unfortunately, Bernie Madoff recently convinced me to move all my dirt to the Cayman Islands.

That's some nice air you got there.
You gonna eat it?

--Capt. Twelve A.M. Midnight, C.E., E.S.T.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 23, 2009 3:07 PM
How come Before the End of the World comes 1112 days after the Day after the End of the World? Huh? HUH?

Those archivy thingys over on the right hand side don't LIE ya know.
Did you know that until late in the 19th century, eel larvae were thought to be a separate species? Although "Migration of the Eel Larvae" would be a considerably less anthropomorphic-"human"-interest documentary film than "March of the Penguins", it would be fascinating from a scientific sense. See "Eel life history" and the citation to Tsukamoto's paper in Wikipedia.

Our friends at cooks.com have a recipe for vegetarian eel - the "eel" is actually mushroom.

CRISP VEGETARIAN "EEL"


8 to 10 black mushrooms
Oil for frying
Chinese parsley, lettuce or any salad green vegetables
3 tbsp. cornstarch
1 tsp. salad oil
1 tbsp. soy sauce
4 slices ginger, 1/16 inch thick x 1 inch sq.
1 1/2 tsp. vinegar
1 tbsp. sugar
1 1/2 tsp. five spice powder
1 tsp. sesame oil
M.S.G. (optional)

Soak mushrooms in hot water until soft; remove stems. Cut mushrooms with scissors in a spiral path 1/4 inch wide so that mushrooms will be in long strips resembling eels. Dredge mushrooms thoroughly in cornstarch, covering them completely. Heat oil. Fry mushrooms until golden in color; drain. Make a soft bed of greens for mushrooms. Heat oil and pan-fry mushroom stems and ginger to extract the flavor of the stems and ginger; discard cooked matter and save oil. Add soy sauce, vinegar, sugar, five spice powder, sesame oil, M.S.G. and mushrooms. Stir-fry for 1 to 2 minutes. Spread mushrooms over bed of greens and serve.

COMMENTARY: This is a simple dish to prepare. The texture, appearance and flavor of the mushrooms make it a good substitute for eel in vegetarian cuisine. Try it. We feel sure it will become a favorite dish of yours.

http://tinyurl.com/lk5vuf
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was
I learned how ta steer with my knees while unwrapping a Big Mac.

By the way, before we die, is it "Two all beef patties, special sauce, LETTUCE CHEESE, etc.?" Or is it, "Two all beef patties, special sauce, CHEESE LETTUCE, etc.?"

I believe it's the first, but I have my doubts, which are mine.
by Anonymous Mr. Me, at June 28, 2009 9:37 AM
Lettuce cheese.
Let us sneeze
Does the Captain of the mighty ship Fafblog turn away from jaws of certain death to the lovely green shoots on yonder isle? No. Of course he may jump ship at the last moment, but don't think about that.
by Anonymous rapier, at June 28, 2009 9:25 PM
this was very Beautiful. i thank you for it, and gently stroke your shell.
Entropy means never heaven to saviour, sorry.
Well, a Second Amreican Revolution, sooner, rather than later, could yet put functioning adults on the problem. Maybe not, but also maybe so, and I fail to see how, honestly, we could keep ignoring this option... the ONLY one I can see that might actually work.
If I order a Fafshirt will you guarantee delivery before the world ends.
by Anonymous Smart Shopper, at June 30, 2009 11:01 PM
The world (but not the universe) can end because of earthquake, tsunami, meteor strike, nuclear war, supernova, and some other natural or man made disaster. These are however just local ends that have nothing to do with The Day of Judgment. End will also not happen on any arbitrary date like December 2012. The end of the universe is an entirely different phenomenon that is built into the laws of the universe. The contraction of the universe with reversal of time and gravity will commence the beginning of the end which will last for thousands and possibly millions of years. We will be removed from the regressing effects of reversed time as we come back alive in our own time. We will the be taken across many dimensions to beyond this universe. A beautiful natural
mechanism that is based on the laws of physics will cause all that to happen. This real end has nothing to do with wishful thinking and predictions of priests or shamans.

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