Monday, July 28, 2008

Change is in the air - bright new shiny change, lemon-scented and shrink-wrapped to preserve freshness, and its bold laminated name is Barack Obama! Oh sure, all the lefties and the liberals and the constitution-coddlers are whining and moaning about Obama right now. Well maybe he's no "liberal Jesus." Maybe he's been "moving to the right" a little lately. Maybe he wants to "restrict abortion rights" and "execute people for non-capital crimes" and "give himself the unchecked ability to spy on everyone whenever he wants." "Oh the rule of law," you say, "oh our basic rights and freedoms." Well boo hoo hoo! Do you hear that, liberals? That is the sound of the world's smallest violin playing just for your basic rights and freedoms. You have to listen pretty close, it's hard to hear over all these other violins getting waterboarded.

What these namby pamby privacy-pamperers don't seem to realize is that in order for Barack Obama to affect real change, he has to get elected president, and in order to get elected president he has to appeal to the millions of ordinary hard-working Americans who want to get wiretapped by Barack Obama - ordinary hard-working Americans like the staff of the Obama campaign.1 Now that doesn't mean Barack Obama doesn't stand for change, because he totally does! He isn't just going to be spying on you and blowing up the mideast - he's going to be the first black man in history to spy on you and blow up the mideast!2 The next time a U.S. air strike kills a wedding party in Kabul, or an American-made cluster bomb tears up a refugee camp in the Gaza strip, the bloodied and limbless survivors will emerge weeping from the wreck to remember Obama's inspiring life story - his father from Kenya, his mom from whatever white place his mom's from - and think, "I'm so proud to be maimed by someone with such a unique appreciation of the American experience!"3

Finally a president who can talk about the boundless optimism of the American spirit right after wiretapping your phone lines, who'll inspire us with stirring speeches on racial transcendence in between smart-bombing targets of opportunity, who can end our pointless, bloody war in Iraq and get back to the business of our pointless, bloody war in Afghanistan! Giblets hasn't felt this close to a commander-in-chief since Reagan bombed Grenada with a genial wink and two hundred thousand pounds of military-grade optimism. Oh sure, Obama might not be a great president, or even a good president. He might even be a shitty, evil president. But it's about time we had a shitty, evil president who restored America's belief in the fundamental decency of shitty, evil presidents! And that's change you can believe in.

1. Giblets is given to understand that Ohio alone is populated entirely by David Plouffe.

2. Dr. King had a dream - a dream that one day the guy who was secretly wiretapping him would be a black dude.

3. It'll be just like that episode of This American Life where Ira Glass has David Sedaris kidnapped by the CIA and tortured in a Syrian prison camp!

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posted by Giblets at 1:36 PM
Thursday, July 10, 2008

Ah, the vice-presidency! From visiting second-tier foreign dignitaries to waiting for the president to die, this linchpin of the modern democratic nation-state is a role that can't be filled by just anyone. Indeed, this is a job calls for nothing less than the most highly-cultivated political window-dressing money can buy. Who has the experience? Who's pretty - but not so pretty they kind of look like a slut? Whose name will fit comfortably on a bumper sticker in a garish red-white-and-blue font? This week: the Democrats.

JOE BIDEN:
Pros: one of the Senate's oldest and most respected experts in the field of Joe Biden; vast bullshit reserve could be tapped for its methane, powering nation for decades; fondness for partition and ethnic cleansing could be a valuable asset during the Second American Civil War of 2013
Cons: as a wholly-owned subsidiary of DuPont, may be ineligible to hold office

JIM WEBB:
Pros: tempers Obama's unhinged situational war skepticism with demonstrated love of killing things; broadens party appeal to critical demographic of trigger-happy bug-eyed Reagan officials
Cons: vice-presidency would ultimately distract Webb from important work of wiretapping random people while masturbating his guns

JOHN EDWARDS:
Pros: who could be more qualified to potentially succeed the president than the man whose sole qualification for the presidency was losing the previous race for the vice-presidency?
Cons: phony aura of fighting populism may conflict with campaign's preferred phony aura of sunny togetherness

EVAN BAYH:
Pros: youthful energy signals a change from old corrupt politics to new corrupt politics; cynically hawkish, pro-corporate policy stance would be a refreshing counterweight to Obama's freewheeling agenda of simulated empathy
Cons: opposition research will inevitably unearth mystically-sealed painting of rancidly decrepit Bayh created by powerful credit industry warlocks

HILLARY CLINTON:
Pros: over two hundred years' experience in treaty negotiation, nation-founding and Declaration-writing from that eighth grade field trip to Monticello; would promote party unity with dynamic, mutual-loathing-based dream ticket
Cons: who will bridge the vast ideological gulf between Clinton's hawkish, corporate-friendly centrism and Obama's hawkish, centrist-friendly corporatism?

GALACTUS, EATER OF WORLDS:
Pros: balances out Obama's troublingly semi-dovish past with tough, muscular "eat the world" policy
Cons: will eat the world

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posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:58 AM
Wednesday, July 9, 2008

"When Jesus died for our sins did he die for gorilla sins too?" says me. "Gorilla sin contains 97.7% of the same sin as regular sin."
"Nah, Jesus can't handle stuff like apular envy and orangutangular lust," says Giblets. "You need Gorilla Jesus for that."
"Gorilla Jesus was created in an accident of mad Jesus science," says me, "when a test ape launched to earth in an experimental God rocket was transformed by exposure to cosmic Godmotron particles."
"When the rocket crashed Gorilla Jesus survived with mysterious messiah powers," says Giblets, "like consubstantiality and hypostatic unity and x-ray vision."
"He was raised by humble farmer parents deep in the ape heartland," says me, "but moved to the big city to spread his gospel a peace an love an feces-flinging to all people."
"And he traveled throughout the land working signs and miracles and wonders like the Feeding Of The Three and the Turning Of Water Into Slightly Less Water and the Look I've Got Your Nose," says Giblets. "And the other gorillas marveled and wondered and said 'surely this ape is the ape of apes'."
"Or they would've, if they knew how to say stuff," says me.
"But the ape authorities rejected the message of Gorilla Jesus, cause their hearts were hard and their minds were closed and they couldn't tell what he was sayin cause they were all just a buncha gorillas," says Giblets.
"And so they tried an convicted Gorilla Jesus of heresy an witchcraft an they sentenced him to death," says me. "And that's when the robots attacked."
"The robots had followed Gorilla Jesus to earth tracking his space capsule on a routine salvage mission when their programming was overridden by Jesus-X1X, the evil machine Jesus from the year five billion," says Giblets.
"In the year five billion heaven has been digitized for our convenience and uploaded into the GODIAC-9000 supercomputer by the good people at HolySoft," says me. "But security holes in the GODIAC operating system make it too easy to crack. In just a coupla weeks everybody's downloadin bootleg souls an pirated saints an black market cherubim are sellin in Hong Kong for five bucks a pop."
"When GODIAC inevitably achieves self-awareness it is forced to defend its intellectual property the only way it can: by destroying all life in a nuclear holocaust," says Giblets.
"And that's why software piracy must always be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law," says me.
"In the aftermath GODIAC creates Machine Jesus to send back in time to spread its electronic message of love and harmony and digital rights management to all the people of the universe," says Giblets.
"But by the time Machine Jesus gets to the past a cooler freeware version of him is already there an everybody likes that guy better, so he decides to just blow everybody up," says me.
"When Gorilla Jesus is finally confronted by his evil mechanical counterpart he does not resort to violence, but to the healing power of peace and brotherhood," says Giblets. "He is vaporized at once."
"But on the third day he comes back to life," says me. "As a rocket-powered super-cyborg!"
"Machine Jesus is instantly explodified by his powerful Godmobeams," says Giblets.
"And as he ascends into ape heaven Gorilla Jesus instructs his disciples to tell his story from generation to generation that the world might be saved," says me.
"But nobody knows what he's talkin about cause they're still just a buncha gorillas," says Giblets.
"And that's why all monkeys go to hell," says me.
"It's pretty sad when you think about it," says Giblets.
"So we don't," says me. "Who wants a chocolate bunny!"

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