Sunday, June 1, 2008

So now everybody's all "oh, Hillary Clinton can't win the nomination" and "oh, Hillary Clinton can't be president" and "oh, Hillary Clinton, haven't they sedated her yet." Well that's just talking crazy talk! There's tons a stuff that can happen between now and the convention to make Hillary Clinton the nominee, so you just cheer up, Hillary Clinton people! Here's just a few of the many electoral scenarios that could make Hillary Clinton the next president of the United States.

  • Barack Obama is suddenly eaten by giant pill bugs.
  • On the way to the convention Barack Obama is confronted by gangs of outraged delegates from Florida and Michigan, who feed him to their giant pill bugs.
  • Hillary Clinton wins Puerto Rico, just as expected. In a surprise twist however Puerto Rico turns out to be ten thousand times the size of Puerto Rico.
  • An obscure quirk of DNC bylaws forces the nomination to be settled by spelling bee. Hillary Clinton gets the word "cat," while Barack Obama is eaten by giant pill bugs.
  • By the time a the Democratic National Convention only one delegate still supports Hillary Clinton. His name? Jesus.
  • Hillary Clinton challenges Barack Obama to one last debate, where she tricks him into saying his name backwards, making him disappear into the fifth dimension in a puff of pixie dust.
  • Just when everything's lookin real bad for Hillary Clinton an she's all outta money an votes an delegates an nobody wants to be her friend anymore an Barack Obama's about to give his acceptance speech an right outta the blue the whole Democratic Party jumps out from behind the couch an yells "SURPRISE!" an it turns out they all voted for her an liked her an remembered her birthday all along! and Barack Obama is booed offstage where he is eaten by giant pill bugs.
  • So Barack Obama's all "I will defeat you Hillary Clinton and steal the nomination forever ha ha ha" but Hillary Clinton knocks im down with her kung-fu action punch like KA-SMMEESSSSHH! but Obama's all "now I shall reveal my TRUE IDENTITY" an he turns into this evil cyborg dude here an fires his auto-launching arm missiles like KA-PEWW, KA-PEWW an then Godzilla an the Decepticons show up but Hillary Clinton fights em off with her laser breath an her robot pony friends an it's totally awesome an that's when the dinosaurs attack.

    Labels:

  • posted by fafnir at 9:59 AM




    84 Comments:
    Man, I never see these things coming. Thanks FafBlog!
    And that's the bunch of best predictions yet in this lousy campaign! Thanks Fafblog!
    We always get blamed for everything!
    by Anonymous Giant Pill Bugs, at June 01, 2008 12:04 PM
    He does look delicious, though...
    by Anonymous Giant Pill Bugs, at June 01, 2008 12:06 PM
    Actual footage of Hillary and her advisors preparing for the final option:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCjDoERf5CY
    The secret to winning is clearly the robot ponies.
    In the name of Gibletzia! Bring back the real Fafblog!
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 01, 2008 1:16 PM
    I gotta get me some o' them giant pill bugs.
    That's giant pill bugs wearing shoes tho. 'Cause they all gotta go to the beach an get san inna shoes.

    (Never On A Sunday)
    What's everyone got against giant pill bugs all a sudden? And more importantly, what have the giant pill bugs got against our future president?
    Diced democrats Pie!

    Served up for post memorial celebration day by the candidate who aided and abetted Bush in creating even MORE war dead to honor! Whoopee!

    - declare yourself the winner before anything even begins (for example say it will be over on February 5th)
    - when the upstart ni... oops, African American gentleman begins getting more votes than you, dismiss him as just "the black candidate", like Jesse
    - wink-wink-nod-nod to all of the racists out there and make sure they know that if they don't vote for you that the uppity (I mean elite) scary black man might (gasp) win and become president
    - broadly hint that said black man is also a scary MUSLIM by saying, well, he's not "as far as I know"
    - Blow every misstep and wrong phrasing of your opponent out of proportion and repeat how "unelectable" it makes him over, and over, and over ... , but cry foul and say the boys are picking on you when anyone does the same to you
    - claim you are a strong feminist, but pander to sexists by slowing you have bigger balls than most men (but keep crying foul when the boys actually call you to task like they would a man)
    - Loan yourself millions and millions and stiff vendors for millions and millions more running up incredible debt all the while claiming to be the best person possible to run this country at a time of immense economic upheaval (you can just do it with mirrors - yeah that'll work)
    - Pretend you and the people running your campaign had nothing to do with the decision to not count MI and FL votes (ignore history and declare any records that show you are lying to be irrelevant. Nope no one on YOUR campaign staff was part of the DNC insider elites who voted on this - no way man!)
    - suddenly pretend to forget how candidates have been selected by democrats for decades (including your husband) and declare the system unfair
    - when everyone sees through that and it doesn't work make up whole new metrics out of thin air that "should" decide the candidate selection (and don't forget to twist the numbers around about and around about until you find one way they make you the "winner".)
    - scream repeatedly about disenfranchising voters who voted for you in faux "elections" but do everything possible to disenfranchise voters who actually followed the rules (but remember, only the ones who voted against you)
    - as it gets more and more impossible for you to win and you get more and more unhinged and start saying grotesquely crazy stuff, blame your opponent for the fact that your ravings actually make the news
    - stand ready to ride in and save the party should any "unfortunate" event occur like it did in 1968. You're only doing it for the good of the party and people should worship you for the sacrifice you are making!

    stir - stir - stir - stir up FUD, then stir-stir stir some more until

    the diced democrats pie is ready and then incredibly elderly republican president will be served for dessert!
    Ha! The joke is on you, Fafnir, since pill bugs are vegetarians!

    And don't go tryin' to say giant pill bugs are different or anything 'cuz they're not!

    And since they're vegetarians, and since they are found in compost heaps, I'm blamin' the hippies!
    Don't go all hatin' on tha giant pill bugs, cuz that's just the way they roll, don't ya know.
    There's a picture at

    http://gallery.pethobbyist.com/data/4642501abigpill.gif
    if Hillary has robot pony friends, then i am changing my vote, NOW.
    Dinosaurs? Sweet.

    Are they Republican dinosaurs? You know, like John McCain only they have all their own teeth?
    by Anonymous Roger, at June 02, 2008 12:11 AM
    I'm still down here in the cellar with Crazy Templar Guy. When you gonna let us out, fafnir?

    Love, Miss Terry
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 02, 2008 12:33 AM
    I forgot to take my pill bugs, now I don't feel so good . . .
    Maybe it's just the fact that I'm all stoned right now, but giant pill bugs seem awfully scary.
    Nobody ever mentions us anymore!

    Stupid pill bugs.
    by Anonymous the banana slugs, at June 02, 2008 2:52 AM
    If pill bugs are vegetarians, how come they devour Democratic candidates and voters and votes?

    If pill bugs aren't political forces, how come they call 'em "Rolly-Polly's"?

    Keep your eyes on the sideshows in the center ring, folks. Pay no attention to that dinosaur behind the curtain on the far right!
    .
    But I am ten thousand times the size of Puerto Rico!
    by Anonymous Puerto Rico, at June 02, 2008 5:07 AM
    I took this all very seriously until I got to the part about robot ponies.

    Seriously - What's their motivation?

    And more importantly - Do robot ponies dream?
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 02, 2008 10:31 AM
    Do giant pill bugs eat only vegans then?

    And who ground up the pixies to get the magic dust? The dinosaurs?

    Where do the super delegates come in?

    This primary season is so confusing....
    One delegate and that delegate, my friend, is Mike Ditka
    by Anonymous francis xavier machine, at June 02, 2008 1:23 PM
    Haha. Thanks, I needed that.
    Totally off-topic, but you have the best taste in music ever.
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 02, 2008 3:39 PM
    Susan let us not forget, Cry lile it's 2 AM and you're already fed up with everything ad can't take any more s*it tonight. See you can sleep comfortably in your KKK PJ's
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 02, 2008 5:20 PM
    Oo. Uncle Al forgot to take his ginat pill bugs and now he's El Senor Crankypantalones. Just sayin'...
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 02, 2008 11:50 PM
    Even more important robot pony questions:

    Do robot ponies know or care about Asimov's three laws?

    Are robot ponies even capable of caring?

    Do robot ponies have anything to do with Urbana, Illinois?

    What might happen if you lied to a robot pony?
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 03, 2008 2:35 AM
    You have obviously been bitten by a very large rabid pill bug and now you are delirious with mad pill bug disease. You silly Fafnir, politics are for KIDS!
    Do giant pill bugs eat only vegans then?

    Ah, your insidious framing attempts to obscure the facts:(from http://www.pestcontrolcanada.com/INSECTS/pill_bugs_sow_bugs.htm )
    "Food: characterized as scavengers, eating both dead and live plant and animal debris."

    Those pill bugs would eat us all, given a chance.
    Those pill bugs are effectivly pro-terrorism, and thus, pro Obama.
    by Anonymous MR Bill, at June 03, 2008 6:57 AM
    That last one isn't a plot...it's a twist...
    "And that's when the dinosaurs attack."

    I smell a movie option. Saturday night Sci Fi Channel Original, here we come!
    How does any of this lead to Giblets becoming President?
    -dls
    by Anonymous Western Dave, at June 03, 2008 2:50 PM
    By "giant pill bugs" you mean isopods?
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 03, 2008 7:09 PM
    It is incompetent fascists, corporatists, and double-digit IQ christ-besotted jackasses (Manchurian candidate McCain) against bleeding heart Liberals, welfare pimps, Enviro-whiners, feminazis, and Queer Nation (Clitler and the Dark Lord). Choose wisely.

    OOPS
    Make that: The incompetent fascists and whole-hearted corporate stooges against the competent fascists and dilettante corporate stooges. Choose wisely!
    by Anonymous Aunty Nomy, at June 03, 2008 7:11 PM
    There really are robot ponies; check this out!

    http://robotpony.com/
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 03, 2008 8:52 PM
    thats confusing
    Nice work, Fafnir.

    It's a crying shame Harry Hutton doesn't have your work ethic.
    ~
    we are gentle and innocent creatures who need truth and righteousness, but since mike gravel dropped out of the race and giblets won't run, and then hillary gave us sugar cubes and apples, we're sticking with hillary all the way.
    by Anonymous robot ponies, at June 03, 2008 9:45 PM
    Fafblog, Fafblog!

    The terrorists won!

    Oh noes! And now they're attacking with their giant killer bees!
    nice work but i am confused.. hehe
    Well, I must say that this is taking on the characteristics of an alternate reality. If Fafblog [heart]s a candidate, the candidate must be so far outside the mainstream that said candidate will certainly not get a major party nomination, right? So, what gives? Freak space/time wormhole? Glitch in the Matrix? Whoever is dreaming us had too much rich food recently?
    "Whoever is dreaming us had too much rich food recently?"

    Ahh, this could many things...
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 05, 2008 1:53 AM
    OMG the pill bugs got behind the couch and ate all the Democrats except Joe Lieberman and now he's like "All your bases are mine".
    by Anonymous Couch refugee, at June 05, 2008 3:56 AM
    the candidate must be so far outside the mainstream that said candidate will certainly not get a major party nomination,

    mainstream....I do not think that word means what you think it means.
    .
    All your Obama are belong to us!
    by Anonymous dinosaurs, at June 06, 2008 12:27 AM
    Giant pill bug ate my terrier... not complaining though. Has better breath and doesn't hump everything that comes through the front door.
    by Anonymous Mizzoulian, at June 06, 2008 12:05 PM
    Why can't the stupid drug companies make a giant pill bug that's as easy to swallow as you are when the giant pill bug swallows you? They are so stupid that they covered them in gelatin, which actually makes them harder to swallow than ever!

    There is some good news, though -- wiggly jiggly gelatin covered giant pill bugs are pretty dang hilarious -- just the kind of thing you could make a short video of, throw a 'Yackety Sax' soundrack on, and viola! Instant YouTube celebrity (provided you can outrun a jigglewiggly giant pill bug's top waddle speed).
    Truly, Fafblog! has the pithiest commentariat in the land.
    Given that a Puerto Rican delegate is probably statistically more likely to be named "Jesus" than one from any other territory or state, I'm going for a combination of the Jesus one and the Puerto Rico x 10,000 one.
    You mean Jesus is 10,000 times bigger than Puerto Rico, or Puerto Rico is 10,000 times bigger than Jesus?
    by Anonymous aunty nomy, at June 06, 2008 8:43 PM
    Oh no ... McCain has a lobster fetish!

    http://jazz-from-hell.blogspot.com/2008/06/boiling-hot-mccain.html

    He must be destroyed.
    down with hope.

    up with dope.
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 07, 2008 9:41 AM
    This is all completely wrong. It's not the pill bugs, which just mind their own business and produce all the Viagra and other boner pills that keep this civilization functioning. The Florida delegation sent a GIANT FLYING GODDAMN COCKROACH to take poor Mr. Obama out, because there are like seventy trillion GIANT FLYING COCKROACHES per cubic foot there. The Michigan delegation, not to be outdone, sent GIANT FLYING DISEASED BLOODSUCKING MOSQUITOES, which are just as nasty but in a delightfully different way.

    Of course, they did try to send their most disgusting and annoying vermin, but the DMV employees had the day off so they had to compromise.
    by Anonymous Employment Unit 4545, at June 07, 2008 11:51 AM
    Michigan has in reserve: a plethora of leeches.

    But then Florida's got killer bees and all sorts of other things.

    So more verminfight to come!
    Will you people stop using the innocent insects of the world as surrogates in your internecine wars.We just run around eating your wires and suddenly you're all "oh giant flying cockroaches are, like, rilly eeeew"
    Yeah we ate someone and some diseases are traceable to us. Deal with it.
    by Anonymous Giant flying Cockroach, at June 09, 2008 2:01 AM
    Is the Medium Lobster rematerializing as a giant pill bug bent on accidentally eating Barak Obama?
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 11, 2008 9:40 AM
    .===================================

    > How does any of this lead to Giblets becoming President?
    -dls

    Through the insidious machinations of the Ethanol Lobby, Corn Becomes King, and, as his first royal act, makes Giblets President.

    Like DUHH. Does everything need to be spelt out for you?

    .===================================
    > Make that: The incompetent fascists and whole-hearted corporate stooges against the competent fascists and dilettante corporate stooges. Choose wisely!

    Unless you're in Wisconsin, in which case you should Cheese wisely.

    Remember, cheese accidents are way up this year, and we need to all work together to bring down the head cheese.
    > There really are robot ponies; check this out!

    Ar we sure this wasn't a typo?

    Perhaps it was robot peonies?
    > The Florida delegation sent a GIANT FLYING GODDAMN COCKROACH to take poor Mr. Obama out, because there are like seventy trillion GIANT FLYING COCKROACHES per cubic foot there.

    Actually, no. We shipped all these off to France twenty years ago. (This explains their Iraq policy, rather obviously).

    There are no more cockroaches in Florida.

    Well, outside of the Democratic strongholds, anyway. After we sent them all to France, some sub-genius econitwit decided that they were an endangered species, and they started collecting them from around the USA in special enclaves, with names like "Miami-Dade", and "Broward". But, for the most part, avoid those areas and you are safe from the Giant Flying Goddamn Cockroaches.
    Hey! That's Giant Flying Palmetto Bugs to you... mister rabbit with a pancake on your head!
    Finally, in the far reaches of these wild internets, I heard a rumor - Fafblog was back.

    Oh, thank you for returning. I have felt like a wanderer, lost with no freaking hope of an oasis.
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 12, 2008 11:25 PM
    As Kucinich's 35 articles of impeachment go to committee to die, a desperate public cries out for a taste of the cold, logical, irrefutable mind of the Medium Lobster. When will the mighty mentat of the crustacean world explain to us why it's perfectly sensible and reasonable to allow the crimes of the Bush administration to go unpunished?
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 14, 2008 3:07 PM
    thanks Fafblog for this post. But I am also confused. :)
    What about me? I'll still be around after the terrists get unleash their suitcase nukes 'cos the DFHs wouldn't let John Yoo crush kid's testicles. I'll just me, the rest of my Rust Belt eating buddies and Keith Richards kickin' back, gettin' it on with radioactive zombie chicks and gettin' baked on your glowing ashes. So screw you and your wimpy little pill bugs buddy!
    Enough with the odd ass cities!

    I wanna know why Cindy McCain keeps stealing cookie recipes and calling them her own! What, stealing Percocet and Vicodin then trying to frame her employees for it wasn't bad enough?
    I wanna know why Cindy McCain keeps stealing cookie recipes and calling them her own!

    She misplaced the recipe for Chocolate cake with Oxycontin frosting?
    by Anonymous MR Bill, at June 19, 2008 11:58 AM
    If ever there was a time (since there is no pie on this summer solstice night) for a Fannie Farmer (Mrs.) recipe for chocolate or anything cookies, this is it.

    We're hungry and too hot to cook ourselves. Even a lobster would understand this predicament.

    Or maybe a catchy tune would suffice...
    by Anonymous flustered, at June 20, 2008 8:20 PM
    Yikes.
    hmm... triweekly isn't nearly so nice a word as fortnightly.
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 21, 2008 2:36 PM
    Here's my audacious hope: Fafblog spends equal time ripping Obama a new poopie hole for his coming out in support of the perfectly awful, constitution-ripping Cheney/Rockefeller/Hoyer House FISA bill yesterday. That was so not awesome!
    Even the Jesus option isn't going to work now unless he smites a certain someone. Or the devil does and even then who knows? Maybe they nominate McCain too in the name of bipartisanship.

    Then McCain could debate himself on the issues like CO2 and immigration and the partisans of each McCain would not even notice he's actually the same guy and would vote for their McCain and on election night everyone would be happy happy happy. Well everyone except a few million oddballs who don't count anyway.
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 22, 2008 8:26 PM
    I know I'm a few months late with this, but welcome back, Fafblog! We missed you. Oooh... a Giblets! Yummy!
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at June 26, 2008 3:57 AM
    Lies!

    Fafblog is not back. Fafblog is at best a little sideways. —These days I find myself unable to shake the suspicion that it's all front.
    Posty McPosterson?
    Dear Sir,

    I call for an end to fafblog's Internet tradition of teasing us with sporadic posts.

    -Harold J. Harumphington IV
    Little Woody on the Wold
    (The Larches)
    The faf is wherein thin. More faf needed.
    Cut n pastin will do Mr Iaconesi.
    Suckers.
    Seconded, lil debbie.

    But any Fafblog would be better than none.
    Thank you very much for this information.

    sohbet
    Well, outside of the Democratic strongholds, anyway. After we sent them all to France, some sub-genius econitwit decided that they were an endangered species, and they started collecting them from around the USA in special enclaves, with names like "Miami-Dade", and "Broward". But, for the most part, avoid those areas and you are safe from the Giant Flying Goddamn Cockroaches.

    Thanks for your info. The most convenient and cheap replacement battery online shop in uk. We specialize in laptop batteries, laptop AC adapters.
    by Anonymous Anonymous, at December 03, 2008 8:33 PM

    minifafblog!

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