Tuesday, May 13, 2008

FAFBLOG: Wow, Hillary Clinton, right here on our little blog! Well, we don't want to waste your time so let's cut to the chase! Why should we vote for you for president?
HILLARY CLINTON: One word, Fafnir: experience. I have thirty-five years of experience working for change, building a list of accomplishments so lengthy and impressive no one else even knows what they are. Why, I could go on for hours just about the policies I advanced as First Lady, from critical legislation like the Mumble-Something Act to my efforts to bring peace to the troubled region of Upper McDonaldland.
FB: And millions of Americans still enjoy the benefits of your successful health care plan in some distant parallel universe!
CLINTON: That's right, Fafnir. No one has more experience failing to fix health care than me. I worked in the White House for eight years failing to fix health care, and as president I'll make failing to fix health care my number one priority.
FB: Well that sounds pretty good, Hillary Clinton, but what if I wanna vote for someone with even more experience, like John McCain or Zombie Strom Thurmond or Andrew Jackson's collection of antique spittoons? Those spittoons have been in the White House for a long time an I hear they got a formidable command of foreign policy.
CLINTON: Ha haaa! Well you know, anyone off the street with a scary black pastor can talk about change, but it takes a fighter to fight for change. And I'm a fighter. I'm tough. And if you lived my life you'd be pretty darn tough too. I mean, I had to go to Wellesley. That was my safety school. But I was strong anyway and I endured. And as president I'll fight the insurance industry and the pharmaceutical industry and the health care industry, just as soon as they stop giving me millions of dollars!
FB: That's that no-nonsense down-to-business style I like about you, Hillary Clinton! You don't just talk about change. You talk about how much you don't just talk about change!
CLINTON: That's just the way I am, I guess. Oh, hang on a second, I have to wrestle a hog in a giant trough of grits. It's just something I do!
FB: Now, back when your husband was president he cut nine million poor women and children off welfare. But now you're the candidate of women and poor people and poor workin women. So did you approve of what your husband did at the time, and if not are you going to reverse it as president and give all those poor people their money back?
CLINTON: Ha haaa! That's an excellent question, Fafnir, and the only way to answer it is with a hearty chuckle followed by a complete non sequitur!
FB: Ha ha, that is so true!
CLINTON: You know, I wish I could make all those women's lives better, I really do. But in a way, wouldn't it help all of them even more if we could just make one woman's life a whole lot better, and then say it sort of counts towards all those other women who aren't getting anything? And wouldn't it be even better-er if that one woman was me?
FB: You know, you just can't argue with that math! Now are you running for president of Iraq, too? Because then your vote for the war totally makes sense!
CLINTON: I didn't vote for the war, Fafnir. I voted to give the president the authority to go to war. What was he going to use that authority for? Maybe he'd just frame it and hang it in his office. Maybe he'd use it to prop up one of the legs on his desk. Maybe he'd use it to sing songs and dance jigs and lift weary spirits down at the old folks home! I honestly couldn't say!
FB: If only you knew at the time that that devious George Bush would use a war authorization to authorize a war!
CLINTON: You know, I guess I'm just too giving. Maybe I just love my country too much to deny it the universal health care and endless wars it so desperately needs. Maybe some theoretical secret black Muslim who hates America wouldn't have that problem.
FB: Maybe it didn't have to be an actual war, though. Maybe you coulda just met the president halfway by settin a big pile a money on fire an shootin a buncha random people.
CLINTON: You know, Fafnir, we could stand around and argue over who raped and slaughtered whose country all day long, but where's that gonna get us? What America needs now is a president who's ready on day one to rape and slaughter competently for the American people in the next war, and I've got the sixty-five years of experience to do it.
FB: Ooh, ooh! Where's the next war gonna be, Hillary Clinton? Is it gonna be Iran? I bet it's gonna be Iran!
CLINTON: Ha haaaa! Oh, you won't get spoilers out of me that easily!
FB: Oh, you know I had to try! Now let's say you were president tomorrow. What's the first thing you'd do in Iraq?
CLINTON: Well the first thing we have to do is to start holding the Iraqis accountable. Our troops have done everything they've been asked to do: blow stuff up, kill things, kill things that're trying to run away after we've blown their stuff up. But where have the Iraqis been on this? Nowhere. You know, war and occupation isn't a one-way street. When are Iraqis finally going to put some real effort into rebuilding the government and infrastructure we've worked so hard to destroy? Where's the cooperation here? Where's the sense of responsibility?
FB: Yeah, what's wrong with those guys? Every time you try to get em to stand up an take charge they're all "oh, death to America, oh, my child is dead, oh, I have no limbs."
CLINTON: And it's not like we don't have our own problems back in the U.S. They've got a couple hundred thousand dead people? Well, let me tell you something, four dollar a gallon gasoline is no picnic either!
FB: If you could say one thing to the average legless Iraqi on the street right now, what would it be?
CLINTON: I'd tell him, you know, we've done our part here. We got rid of Saddam, we set up a government, we provided intermittently running electricity and free bandages for your leg-stumps. We gave you your chance. Now you've gotta step up.
FB: Figuratively speaking. 'Cause he doesn't have legs.
CLINTON: And then I'd station forty to fifty-thousand residual troops in his house for the next couple decades or so to protect our interests in the region.
FB: Now let's go to the lightning round! Get out of Iraq or bomb Iran?
CLINTON: Get out of Iraq by going through Iran!
FB: End wiretapping or double Gitmo?
CLINTON: Privatize wiretapping, then outsource Gitmo to more efficient overseas contractors!
FB: Talk to Hamas or nuke the Mideast?
CLINTON: Why not both!
FB: Torture or universal health care!
CLINTON: Universal torture with optional market-based health savings accounts!
FB: Now that's the kinda sensible hard-nosed moderation I can get behind! Thanks for stopping by, Hillary Clinton!
CLINTON: Oh, I'll be around.

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posted by fafnir at 1:37 PM
Thursday, May 1, 2008

1. Is there an emergency?
   a. Yes!
      - Quick! Break glass in case of emergency.
         - Oh no, now I'm all cut and bleeding on this broken glass!
            - Sounds like an emergency! Quick, break more glass.
      - Okay, I broke the glass! Now what?
         - Oh no, what'd you do that for! You needed that glass for the emergency!
            - Oh, what do I do now!
               - Quick, glue your glass back together while there's still time! Then break it. Hurry, it's an emergency!
   b. Why no, everything's fine.
      - Are you sure?
         - Well... not that sure...
            - Just to be on the safe side, better panic. In case there's an emergency!
      - Sure I'm sure! Just checked this morning. No emergencies here!
         - Are you sure you're sure you're sure? 'Cause those emergencies, they're pretty tricky.
            - Yep! We got the emergency alarm and the emergency detector and all the emergency traps and there isn't a single little emergency.
               - Well now that's pretty suspicious. 'Cause if I were an emergency I'd go around disguising myself as a complete lack of emergencies.
                  - Ohmigod - that's what I've got right now! What do I do!
                     - First, get some glass. And quick! It's an emergency!

2. What's the emergency?
   a. Bees
   b. Angry bees
   c. Giant killer angry bees
   d. Fire!
      - Started by bees?
         - Yes! Those are some crafty, crafty bees.
         - Yes! I didn't think so at first but the more I look at the evidence the more convincing this bee theory sounds.
         - I want to say no but there's just no way you can rule out bees!
   e. Other
      - Probably bees

3. Emergency Bee Response Action Plan (EBRAP)
   a. Negotiated settlement
      - Too soft
         - Appeasing the bees will only embolden future bees
   b. Retaliatory air strike against the bee homeland
      - Too risky
         - Ensuing drop in global honey production would alienate key allies like the Hundred Acre Woods and Candyland
         - Further violence only perpetuates the cycle of mistrust and misunderstanding between man and bee
   c. Ritual hand-to-hand combat with bee champion
      - Too difficult
         - You have the weight advantage but the bee wants it more
         - Biased bee referees will always rule in favor of the bee
   d. Escape
      - Recommended!
         - You will need:
            - Feet (two)
            - Bee costume (for camouflage)
            - Secret map of the Bee Kingdom (with marked escape routes)
            - Hidden cyanide capsule (better to die on your feet than to live with the bees)
      - Escape Plan
         - First, Create A Distraction
            - What kind of distraction?
               - You know, anything likely to get a bee's attention - loud noises, fire, spraying lots of bee spray
                  - Oh no, now I'm being stung by lots of bees!
                     - Oh, how did that happen! Quick, go back to Step One. It sounds like an emergency!


posted by fafnir at 11:07 AM

I knew I forgot to pay one a the bills yesterday but I just thought it was the cable or the internet or somethin an I guess it musta been worse cause when I step outside this mornin somebody's shut off the time. Now everything's happenin all at once an there's all this history spilled all over the lawn. Now I got all these crusaders sackin the mailbox an morlocks hibernatin under the porch an at least a dozen Louis the Sixteenths grazin on the azalea bushes. Look at the mess! I try to clean things up a little by sortin past people an future people into different piles but nobody's helpin out, what with all the drunk Winston Churchhills harassin the cave people an the mastodon steppin on Jesus an the radiation zombies wanderin off to chew on parts of Harry Truman. "This is all your fault, me," says me waggin a finger at yesterday's me. "What'd I do?" says yesterday me standin over by the Lincolns an the ground sloths. Oh, I am hopeless! There's no use explaining it to me, I won't figure it out til I turn into me.

I head down to the bagel shop to clear the air with some bagels but when I get there I'm already there with a bag a bagels. "Hey there me," says me, "mind if I have a bagel?" "Get your own," says me eatin bagels. How rude! I had no idea I was so inconsiderate. I figure I'll just get some bagels myself but the bagel shop happens to be a large sullen-lookin dimetrodon right now an the service is terrible. I pick up a trilobite an some napkins an head back home.

The way back takes a little longer than I figured. There's all these neat little things along the road I hadn't noticed before, like the strip mall an the glacier an the invading army of spacemobots. I get a little lost. By the time I get back one a the plesiosaurs is eatin all the Roosevelts an I have to shoo im off with a rolled-up newspaper. Man it's been a long day! I flop down on the couch an turn on the TV but it's all reruns an ice ages. "You wanna get a movie?" says me to the cave bear. "Hrrruuff," says the cave bear.


posted by fafnir at 8:34 AM

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