Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Giblets takes a few weeks away from the blog and the whole world goes insane! After four years of justly convicting Guantanamo prisoners of classified crimes before a fair and impartial kangaroo court of their peers, a power-mad Supreme Court has ruled that the military tribunals at Gitmo are "illegal" and that the president has to "obey the law." Well this is just the kind of dangerous radicalism that leads to fascism and human rights! What are we going to do with these people, try them in actual courtrooms with lawyers, juries and "evidence"? That way lies madness - or worse, democracy! If we give our enemies actual rights they'll turn the deadly power of our justice system against us, smuggling weaponized due process into American cities, crashing the Fifth Amendment into skyscrapers, setting off radiological writs of habeas corpus in Times Square!1

And how are we going to fight the terrorists in the first place with our military tied up in bureaucratic red tape like the "Geneva Conventions" and the "Bill of Rights"? We can't give up our right to torture people while the enemy's still torturing people - that's unilateral disarmament in the torture race! We've already got an atrocity gap here, people! Oh sure, we're doing alright with our cutting-edge waterboarding, hypothermia and "beat them to death" programs, but we'll never catch up in this fight if we don't get access to their top secret beheading technology!2 It's a simple question of action and response. When they blow up a mosque, we massacre a village! When they chop off someone's head, we send someone else off to Uzbekistan to get boiled alive! That's the GWOT way! But none of these vital tools will be at our disposal if we've got activist judges shutting down our Pentagon torture programs and our secret CIA prisons and our crack commando baby-rape squads!3

That's why George W. Bush has to take this case to the highester court in the land: the court of George W. Bush. It's a tough bench alright, but Bush can win this one as long as he exercises his constitutional right to ignore the Constitution. The legal technicalities are pretty complicated but Giblets believes it involves filing a writ of neener neener according to the precedent of I Can't Hear You v. I'm Not Listening. Only then can the forces of freedom protect America from the hordes of Democrofascists that would menace her with their savage civil liberties!

1. You can't trust a New York jury to convict Osama bin Laden with his fancy legal maneuvers and his smooth-talking ways!

2. Oh, you complain about it now, but what if chopping off somebody's head could've prevented September 11th?

3. They're enemy baby combatants, people!
posted by Giblets at 4:45 PM

Hello there and welcome back to Friday Pie-Blogging! Today's pie is the delicious raspberry lime tart. Just take a look at that gooey fruit filling nestled gently in that flaky graham cracker crust. Mmmm, mmm! Taste the flavor.

"I dunno Fafnir," says you, "I mean sure it LOOKS good what with all the nutmeg an the cinnamon an the multiple rows a inch-long retractable teeth but somehow somethin just doesn't seem right about this pie. Maybe I'll have this bucket of delicious chum instead."

Yknow what, you're right - somethin is wrong with this pie. This pie needs some ice cream! A pie just isn't a pie without ice cream. And put down that bucket a tasty ground-up fish meal - that's for feedin our pie. And what a pie it is! See that sturdy primary dorsal fin? That's how you know it's baked fresh.

"Well that does look like some mighty tasty ice cream," says you. "But I just still don't know about this pie. On the one hand, it's a rich and savory dessert, but on the other hand it's less of a dessert than it is an eighteen-foot-long man-eating shark."

Well that's just crazy talk! This pie is definitely a pie, and in fact it is such a pie that it has received a special pie prize for pieness from the top pielologist at the National Pie Institute of Pies, who spent four years living and swimming with the Great Atlantic Tiger Pies where he came to appreciate their savage yet beautiful culture before gettin eaten by a rogue sea quiche.

"Oh wow!" says you. "Well that's pretty impressive for a pie."

Yes, yes it is. But if you don't want it I guess we'll just haveta throw it away.

"Oh no, don't do that!" says you. "I had no idea it was such a prestigious award-winning pie."

Oh now it's too late, we're throwin it away. Throwin it away into the ocean where starving children in Africa would have loved to be eaten by it but now it is too late on accounta you made us throw away the pie.

"Oh no what have I done!" says you. "Please give me another pie, pleeeaaaase."

Well aw shucks! We can't stay mad at you. Here's today's new pie, the delicious peach cobbler.

"Thank you, Fafblog, for giving me a second chance!" says you. "From now on I'll be good and kind to everyone and keep pie-blogging alive in my heart all year long!"

And God bless us, every one!

"Oh the biting, oh the pain!"

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