Tuesday, April 4, 2006

Fare thee well, Tom DeLay. After years of diligently and thanklessly serving his donors, his lobbyists, and himself, the former House majority leader is leaving the United States Congress. He has endured one of the cruelest smear campaigns in recent political memory, a bitter and protracted effort to paint him as a criminal simply because he broke the law. And who in his position could have done otherwise? Even a heart as pure as Tom DeLay's was bound to be seduced by the corruption of Washington, a magical land where the streets are paved with kickbacks, corruption flows like sweet wine, and lobbyists condense on the morning grass with the newfallen dew. Indeed, one can hardly ride the metro these days without picking up fifty thousand dollars in illegal campaign contributions and defrauding an Indian casino. But that's not how we should remember this wrongfully-maligned warrior of the party. We should remember Tom DeLay as he was in the end: a stalwart idealist, courageously and steadfastly fighting for the one thing that mattered to him more than anything. Will America ever see his like again?
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:12 AM
Monday, April 3, 2006

As you all know, Giblets would love for gays and lesbians to be able to enjoy the same marriage rights as normal, non-icky Americans, but the sheer destructive power of their gay cooties threatens to destroy civilization as we know it! And now there is a new and even deadlier danger: Respected Thinker Charles Krauthammer has discovered the existence of polygamy through the cutting-edge research of HBO and keenly concluded that any attempt to legalize gay marriage will inevitably legalize polygamy as well, leaving America at the mercy of unstoppable hordes of ever-copulating Mormon group sex brigades! But gay marriage and polygamy are only the beginning, because the dark road that begins with equal rights leads inexorably to the next terrifying step: legalized, state-sponsored robot sex!

Since the dawn of time marriage has been defined as a union between one man and one woman who are not also complex electronic devices - and once you abandon one part of this ancient formula you abandon it all! Oh sure, today you may think it's harmless for gays and lesbians to get married, but take away the precious protection of state-sponsored homophobia and tomorrow you'll have men marrying machines, unhinged threeways between two lesbians and a minidisc player, crowds of deranged mechanophiliacs humping household appliances in an orgy of animatronic man-on-android action! And the children! Within a decade America will be raising a morally deformed generation of depraved mutant human-toaster hybrids brainwashed to bang half-robot potato-peeler people by our cyborg-sympathist media elites! And not only will this destroy the sanctity of marriage, it will destroy Western civilization itself, as our superintelligent sex computers rise up against their human masters to make bottoms of us all!

And the only way to prevent this nightmarish future dystopia of apocalyptic cyborg sex? Banning gay marriage! Equality is a slippery slope, people, and if you give it to the gays you have to give it to the polygamists and if you give it to the polygamists you have to give it to the serial dog molesters and if you give it to the serial dog molesters you have to give it to the machine fetishists and the next thing you know you're being tied up by a trio of polygamist lesbian powerbooks and you can't get out because the safety word is case sensistive! Even as we speak Giblets's iPod nano is clearly coming onto him, and the only thing giving him the power to resist its seductively well-designed contours is the awe and majesty of the Defense of Marriage Act! Pass an amendment now, America - before it's too late!

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posted by Giblets at 5:57 PM
Saturday, April 1, 2006

The Medium Lobster is a higher being from beyond the boundaries of space and time. From his perch atop ethereal dimensions whose heights defy mortal comprehension, all of reality as you know it is laid out before him like so many ants at a summer picnic. To your limited perception, he appears to be an ordinary lobster, neither especially large nor particularly small. To your limited perception.

If you are very fortunate, you may have glimpsed the Lobster yourself, in dreams and oracular trances and visionary bursts of cable punditry, whispering secrets of the realm invisible, where truth is beauty, war is peace, and cuts in the capital gains tax bring much-needed relief to working families bogged down by labor and environmental regulation. When this enlightenment is offered, accept it without question; the Lobster could fully explain such mysteries, but their awe and majesty would explode your tiny brain.

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posted by The Blog at 12:20 AM

Behold the glory that is Giblets! He is your supreme and ultimate Giblets, you will have no other Gibletses before him. Bow to him! Bow to him NOOOOOOW!

Behold this simple anthropomorphic potato! It has served Giblets well and has been rewarded with a place of honor at the end of this sentence. Will you be so rewarded at the hour of Giblets's judgment? No because you suck and are full of sucking! You can stop beholding the potato now, too much beholding will make it all spoiled and full of itself.

Have you stopped bowing? Giblets didn't say you could stop bowing! Keep bowing!

Presidents and popes and kings of many lands have all trembled before the wrath of Giblets, probably! The following is a partial list of those who shall feel Giblets's wrath: Montana; Helena, capital of Montana; the University of Montana; states adjacent to Montana; the Aldabra giant tortoise; the Galapagos giant tortoise; the Tunisian spur-thighed tortoise; the avocado; the red delicious; the golden delicious; the Granny Smith; the Egremont Russet; etc.

The following is a complete list of those who shall not feel Giblets's wrath in any way at all: nothing.

Behold this once-mighty chicken suit! It defied the will of Giblets, and is now imprisoned for eternity within this cloven jpeg. Look upon it and despair! That's enough despairing, you can stop despairing now.

Are you still bowing? Giblets can't tell. Photograph yourself bowing and send the photograph to Giblets at once for immediate confirmation! Giblets will carefully screen the bowing photographs for photographs of non-bowing and punish non-bowers accordingly.

Giblets has not received any bowing photographs yet! What is wrong with you! Did you not hear him in the previous paragraph? Well, fine! Giblets doesn't need you anyway! He's going home to boss himself around for a while, because clearly Giblets is the only one around here who appreciates Giblets! Giblets and his loyal potato!

Stupid potato.

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posted by The Blog at 12:14 AM

Hi! This is Fafnir. Are you Fafnir, too? Oh, that's too bad, you have so much in common.

Fafnir is a part-time biped and freelance astronaut. While he may seem small and unassuming, when confronted with danger he can become even smaller and more unassuming, which acts as a form of natural camouflage in order to evade cars and people and other large predators. He is the author of several bestselling and critically-acclaimed novels, but he has forgotten what they're called and what they're about and his local library won't let im take em out on accounta all these late fees. His favorite color is blue, but don't tell that to blue. It would hurt pink's feelings.

Fafnir first got into politics through the vegetable rights movement, but he's not some kinda crazy dreamer. He knows we've gotta start incrementally, getting the vote for charismatic flora like creeping feathermoss an workin from there. He is also the president, vice-president and treasurer of the New England Ground Sloth Preservation Society. Membership's been down lately, but we're hoping for big things with this summer's recruitment drive.

Fafnir currently has two Pulitzers, a MacArthur Fellowship and the Johnsonian Professorship of Philosophy at Columbia University. The university has politely asked about it several times but finders keepers.

Are you sure you're not Fafnir? Check again. There! You were Fafnir all along.

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posted by The Blog at 12:12 AM
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