Friday, February 10, 2006

By now you may have heard of the captured terrorist masterminds who nearly brought down Los Angeles’s Library Tower with a set of exploding footwear, or Iyman Faris, who craftily plotted to collapse the Brooklyn Bridge with a blowtorch. Devious schemes indeed, so cunning and deadly they could only be thwarted by the full and unchecked executive authority of a routine airport sneaker check. But even more terrorists have tried to strike at America within the past four years, evil geniuses of the al Qaeda network so quick and so clever it took all the power at the president’s disposal to stop their infernal machinations. The Medium Lobster has been granted the exclusive privilege to share just a few with you, our loyal readers.

  • Abu Muhammed al-Hitler: planned to conspire to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge with a trained bear and an extra-long strip of firecrackers; captured only after being physically beaten into submission by an illegal NSA wiretap. As al Qaeda’s critical sixteenth-in-command, al-Hitler is believed to have personally overseen several of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed’s laundry runs, in particular the sorting of darks and whites.

  • Sheikh Nazi ibn al-Satan: plotted to plan to destroy the Sears Tower using a newly-purchased electronic toothbrush loaded with a dangerously overcharged pair of double-A batteries; stopped just in time by the impromptu waterboarding of an unrelated, unaccused non-terrorist detainee. He is believed to have once received Osama bin Laden’s personal autograph after having what he described as a “very important, very personal” elevator conversation within the Tora Bora office park.

  • The Blind Cleric Muslimo von Evil: almost managed to execute preliminary stages of master scheme to wash the Chrysler Building not with Tide, but with the leading cleanser, which would leave unsightly grass stains; plot thwarted by the flowering of democracy in Iraq. Intelligence experts have described him as “dangerously swarthy” and “highly bearded at this time.”

  • Ahm Bur-glar: nearly crippled McDonaldland economy by hijacking critical burger shipments; indefinitely detained within the Fry Fortress by the power of presidential pretend. Unrepentant and unrestrained, given the chance he would robble again – quickly, and without mercy.


  • posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:15 PM



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