Tuesday, January 31, 2006

After months of petty partisan mudslinging over "individual rights" and "unlimited executive power," Samuel Alito has finally been given his proper place on the nation's highest court. It is the greatest honor a jurist can receive: no longer a creature of flesh and bone, Alito has been reborn as lifelong Justice of the Supreme Court, a pure and ethereal conduit of the Constitution. Even as we speak he is being anointed by his fellow jurisprudents in the Supreme Court Building, where he will bodily ascend into the empyreal Tenth Sphere of the Law to commune with the wraithlike, undead spirits of the Framers to perfectly comprehend the true meaning of the Constitution before passing through the eye of a black hole to become the Star Child.

Alito's ideological opponents shouldn't be disconcerted by his new power and influence, however. As an originalist, Alito has shed his personal legal opinions along with his mortal flesh and will only follow the law as he directly knows it to be. Unlike corrupt activist judges who twist the Constitution to force equal rights on unsuspecting Americans, Justice Alito will represent nothing more than the will and intent of the Founding Fathers, from Alexander Hamilton's longstanding devotion to warrantless strip-searches to Thomas Jefferson's belief in the need for police to fatally shoot unarmed purse-snatchers to James Madison's deeply-held conviction that the executive branch retains the right to break the law. Rest easy, America! Your long, national civil liberties nightmare will soon be over.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:56 PM




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