Ah, a brand new year, ripe with possibility and promise - for all save the Medium Lobster, of course. Having ascended to a place beyond time and space, where all of history is laid out like ants on a summer picnic, the Medium Lobster already knows every secret 2006 may hold. Revealing all might shatter the minds of the uninitiated nonpundit, but just a glimpse might do. Come, gaze through the lobsterscope at what the coming days will bring...In the war on terror, the White House counsel's office will determine that Article II of the Constitution grants the president the authority to ignore civil law, command the sea, and transubstantiate bread into tax cuts. Some uncertainty will remain over the president's traditional vulnerability to red and green kryptonite.
In the dark realm of the Mainstream Media, the New York Times will irresponsibly reveal the existence of a classified military program which trains interrogators to devour the hearts of suspected terrorists in order to absorb their secret knowledge and fighting strength. Civil libertarians will protest, forever dooming the Democratic Party to permanent minority status.
Meanwhile, in the race for the White House, Hillary Clinton will cannily secure her hold on the Democratic presidential nomination by stridently calling for a full Congressional investigation of the United States Postal Service's dangerously saucy stamp designs. Will no one stop the Clinton juggernaut? Only one woman stands a chance: Condoleezza Rice, as prophesied in the Book of Morris. But even her victory would still damn America to the hell of lesbiocracy!
In a shameless act of yellow journalism, the Washington Post will irresponsibly reveal the existence of a top secret FBI program to fight terror with the domestic use of alien mind control slugs, which have only been inserted into the brains of Americans with clear ties to al Qaeda. Privacy advocates will protest, forever dooming the Democratic Party to permanent minority status.
In Iraq, the outbreak of full-fledged civil war will show just how desperate the dead-enders of the insurgency really are, and that victory is just around the corner. President Bush will call on Congress for an additional $600 billion of purple paint to be tactically sprayed on Iraqis continually throughout the year, dramatically increasing levels of freedom throughout the mideast.
Elsewhere, the Los Angeles Times will irresponsibly reveal the existence of a top secret CIA box containing the mystically-sealed essence of all the evil in the world, which when released will only consume the flesh of known enemy combatants. Mortal life will protest, forever dooming the Democratic Party to permanent minority status.
The year will close with the triumphant return of Budget Deficit Jesus, summoned at last by a thousand perfect burnt offerings to rapture the faithful to supply-side heaven. Those who failed to believe in the healing power of Reaganomics will be cast from this blissful Eden to a dark abyss where upper-class tax cuts do not grow the economy, but cause weeping and gnashing of teeth.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 8:28 PM