Thursday, October 20, 2005
or, Death Rides the White House
Ah, gentlemen... I'm glad you could all join me here tonight. As you know, two years ago the President was quite incensed when he discovered that someone on his staff had leaked the identity of covert CIA operative Valerie Plame, and promised to get to the bottom of this. To that end he hired me, the Medium Lobster, the world's greatest detective and most enlightened higher being, to unravel a mystery that would put all my deductive powers to the test.
And why have I gathered all of you here in the White House parlor? Because one of you is that culprit, gentlemen, and after two long years of searching, it is time to expose his sinister machinations and bring him to justice. Now, now, Mr. Libby, you'll have your turn to speak in a moment.
At first when I began my investigation, I was struck by how obvious it all seemed: the leak appeared, to any dullard, to be the work of an obsessed and vindictive White House determined to crush anyone who dared question its rationale for war. Ah, but the Medium Lobster is no dullard, my friends, and closer examination revealed a web within a web within which I would catch my prey... the criminal I have determined to be...
JOSEPH WILSON, Valerie Plame's own husband! Oh, don't look so indignant, sir. You may not have done the deed yourself, but you were the cause all the same: writing articles, going on trips, talking! Why draw this much attention to yourself through this pernicious stuff-doing unless you were deliberately acting as part of a scheme to expose the covert status of your own wife! Indeed, Exhibit A is this Vanity Fair article, in which Mr. Wilson allows his wife, a covert CIA agent, to be photographed a few months after her cover was blown. Any fool with a time machine could have purchased the magazine, traveled back a year and used it to blow her cover! Only a man determined to sabotage his country would be so bold, Wilson - and so sloppy. I also deduced your guilty hysteria from the unkemptness of your tie. The police will see to you.
Oh - but the night is young, my friends, and Wilson was not alone. He had assistance - assistance in what is now, I believe, a sprawling criminal conspiracy! Mr. Rove, please let me finish. Through my mastery of logic and reason I was able to identify the linchpin of this foul scheme, who is none other than...
SADDAM HUSSEIN, who goaded America into the Iraq conflict with his tempting, ripely invadable lands for the express purpose of trapping the Bush Administration in an unending quagmire! Yes, you insisted you didn't have weapons of mass destruction, didn't you, Mr. Hussein - but you were so coy about it all along. Just being a tease? I think not! You wanted America to be sucked into a war with no justification expressly so your fellow conspirators could expose that lack of justification and use it to destroy the President! Don't look so shocked - your years of CIA and Pentagon contacts made you an obvious suspect to one of my abilities. I also deduced it from the mud on your left boot. The authorities will deal with you now - presumably by reinstalling you as dictator and then overthrowing you again.
Pardon me, Mr. Cheney - you noted the word "conspirators." Yes, Mr. Cheney, there is one more criminal present here: the true criminal mastermind behind all that I have mentioned here tonight. And that criminal is none other than...
VALERIE PLAME HERSELF, who exposed her own identity while wearing a clever plastic Karl Rove costume, all as part of a sinister plot to scare the President away from the old mill so she could find the pirate treasure inside! I deduced it through Science. Take her away, officers.
And with that, Mr. President, you can sleep once more, knowing that this criminal enterprise within your administration has finally been dealt with. Should you need my help restoring the balance of Justice again, don't hesitate to call me - I have some intriguing ideas on who laundered Tom DeLay's money.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 7:31 PM