Friday, September 23, 2005

Darkness falls, my friends, bleak omens of final things. Over the last year or so we've seen, despite the best of intentions and the heartiest crushings of civil rights, the foreboding spread of Gay throughout the world as you know it, leading us inevitably, as James Dobson pointed out, towards the destruction of the earth.

The Netherlands has already been destroyed by a falling meteor, Belgium by a shambling horde of flesh-devouring zombies, and all of Spain recently spontaneously burst into flame shortly after legalizing gay civil marriage. Canada and Massachusetts can't be far behind, with expert gayologists noting that the increased appearance in these regions of incest, man-on-turtle love, cannibalism, and Yog-Sothoth the great and terrible, key and keeper of the gate, indicates that their relative economic and social stability will soon give way to a hell-blasted nightmare world in which the living envy the divorce rates of the dead.

Of course, the true danger lies in the fact that once the Gay Genie is out of the bottle, it can never return - that there's no turning back on the road to the queer armageddon. Ah, some of you might be thinking, but surely the forces of good, justice, and straightness will triumph, even at the end of the world! If only it were so, my friends. But our situation is far more dire: evidence indicates that by the time the apocalypse arrives, God Himself may be infected with Gay.

Between the United Church of Christ's pernicious promotion of equal rights and the Episopal Church's gay bishop, God has become increasingly pink of late. Indeed, reliable reports have it that God the Son has been acting suspiciously swishy, while the Holy Ghost has been a raging queen for years. But all is not lost: conservative Anglican churches are working to slow the spread of theological gayness by cutting themselves off from their depraved, rights-tolerating brethren, while the Catholic Church's recent promise of a gay inquisition may help to restore the sacred straightness of single dress-wearing men everywhere.

Will this be enough to return heterosexuality to the Godhead? Even the Medium Lobster can't know for sure, but the Trinity may require extensive reparative prayer therapy to cure its damaged sexuality before all of this is over. If that doesn't work, the Medium Lobster can only suggest strict laws preventing God from marrying or having sex with another man, as the social and legal pressure should force Him to change His deviant ways. Civil rights advocates will complain as they always do, but when faced with celestial armageddon, what alternative do we have? The falcon cannot hear the falconer, the pink-dimmed tide is loosed - and what gay beast, its hour come round at last, minces cattily towards Bethlehem to be born?

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posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:02 PM




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