Friday, September 23, 2005

To Say Nothing of the Little Plastic Pirates

Every so often Giblets gets mail asking him "oh where is Giblets" and "where did Giblets go" and "what will I do I am lost in the world without Giblets." This is understandable because without Giblets you are hopeless but Giblets needs some him-time every now and then, like over the last week went he went on holiday to explore and plunder the vast depths of the universe. He brought back presents.

Behold the mighty fatbird! Do not let its complacently gluttonous appearance fool you - it is a deadly and malicious beast armed with folds of killer blubber capable of rolling at speeds of up to two meters per hour! Giblets valiantly faced down the terrifying creature in a life-and-death struggle Giblets barely survived, and now triumphantly returns with the monster's hulking corpse stuffed and mounted and attached to a keychain! It's not for you, don't touch! It is for Giblets.

See here the horrors of the Mickeytron, the soulless robotic sentinel of an evil alternate future in which the artificial intelligence at the heart of the Epcott Center has finally overthrown mankind! The Mickeytron is simple to destroy but its power is that you do not want to - you want to buy it instead. You hate it, but you love its conveniently located gift shop! This is not for you, you do not deserve it, it is for Giblets!

But here, here Giblets has something truly special - the evil pickle king, lord and ruler of the cruel and vicious pickle people who live at the center of the earth! Captured by his armies, Giblets was brought before the high pickle court and told there was but one chance to escape: to answer the ancient riddle of the pickle prophet. Giblets ate them all instead. Stupid pickles! Would you like the pickle king? Too bad, Giblets was saving this for Fafnir. But Fafnir is not worthy of this either. Giblets is going to give this to someone special, like Giblets.

But do not worry - Giblets has saved the best gift of all for you... the gift of Giblets! Now that Giblets is back he is here to answer all your most important and vital questions to guide you through your life as only Giblets can. "Mmmmfffhthfhfh!" you say. Don't try to talk and eat and breathe at the same time! Oh, you are hopeless!

Labels: gibletology

posted by Giblets at 11:49 AM

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