Monday, September 5, 2005

Giblets has heard a whole lotta whining this week about "oh the government screwed up the hurricane rescue" and "oh they did not evacuate the city for days and days" and "oh they should have spent money to build up the dams and levees and kept FEMA funded and sent in military and national guard people with food and water right away so thousands of people would not starve to death." Well that just sounds like a great idea - for a bunch of namby-pamby hurricane-lovers! Oh, let's cower behind our great big levees and hope the rescue crews save us from the big mean storm - instead of taking the fight to very clouds of terror themselves!

This is a Global War on Weather and like any successful war it can't be won on the defensive. If we spend all our time reacting to hurricanes instead of attacking them where they live, we will only embolden further hurricanes! The only language hurricanes understand is force - and possibly hurricanese, which is difficult to learn and involves the use of many glottal stops. We must fight nature where it lives so it can't fight us at home!

The first step we must take is a series of "decapitation strike" air raids to wipe out threateningly puffy-looking cumulus clouds - some of which, Giblets observed the other day, may already resemble ferocious animals! Next we must take out a major cold front with a series of MOABs and low-yield "bunker-buster" nukes. Stage three must be the invasion and occupation of the jet stream, complete with a massive influx of several military and national guard units to rebuild and keep the peace. Some namby-pamby skeptic-types say "oh you cannot occupy the jet stream, you will only antagonize the native cloud-people and plunge several thousand feet to your death below." Well all Giblets has to say to that is shut up, storm-symp! The people of New Orleans would be ashamed of you if they weren't so busy looking for food.

"But Giblets what can I do on my own as a slavishly-devoted citizen to support the war effort!" you say. Plenty! Burn fossil fuels like coal and oil to attack our atmospherist enemy with noxious fumes and greenhouse gases! Why walk next door when you can drive instead - your country needs the smog! We can win on multiple fronts, too: if you're passing a clean body of water, don't just walk on by. Do your civic duty and dump some mercury or solid waste in there! Drill for oil in a baby seal. Light a panda on fire and set it loose in a rainforest! And don't think Giblets has forgotten about YOU, Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Giblets has growing evidence that a cell of polar bears had deep and lasting connections to Hurricane Frances! Vengeance and slant drilling operations will be mine!

The best defense is not a good offense - it's a good defense. But the most satisfying RESPONSE to the FAILURE of a BAD defense is to blow something up. So grab a gun and a jingoistic tune and let's go! Victory or crude emotional approximation of victory awaits!


posted by Giblets at 8:05 AM



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