Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Behold the Future! Man has conquered the galaxy, ended world hunger, and built mighty cities on the moon, the sun, and every planet but Neptune and Pluto. No one goes to Neptune and Pluto. They are the crap planets.

In this strange new world all human needs are instantly met by the rapid advancement of science and technology. But at what cost - AT WHAT COST!

"Hello Future Giblets!" says Future Me. "I see you're headin to future-work!"
"In the past Giblets would have to go to hellish and mind-numbing work which slowly chips away at his very soul," says Future Giblets. "But in the future, Future Giblets merely uploads a copy of his soul to future-work where it is tortured and dissected for the sadistic delight of the OverDrones!"
"For shame Future Giblets," says Future Me. "Existing on the internet is one thing. Copying yourself on the internet is self-piracy!"
"Future Giblets defies all norms and regulations!" says Future Giblets. "He is streaming real live webgirls with the power of his mind. He is spamming the collective unconsciousness at the speed of thought!"
"Right now the speed of thought is ten thousand times the speed a light on accounta Moore's Law," says Future Me, "but pretty soon it'll break the speed of speed and become so fast it'll be slower than anything ever!"
"Humanity will think at more powerfully sluggish rates, becoming the most mightily stupid species in the universe, producing ever-flowing oceans of drool!" says Future Giblets. "The global saliva lobby's stranglehold will be complete!"
"Eventually they will evolve into beings of pure ooze," says Future Me, "whose powers and abilities are beneath our wildest imaginings."
"But their newfound mold minds will make them more gods than men!" says Future Giblets.
"In the Future!" says Future Us. "WOOOOOOEEEEEEOOOOOO!"

In the Future, man will not live in cities of brick and stone. He will live in cities of the MIND, digitized and uploaded onto the internet! They will frequently crash, deleting millions. The internet will run on servers which will themselves be digitized and uploaded onto the internet. Do not attempt to comprehend it! Your non-future brain will explode.

"Hello Future Fafnir!" says Future Giblets. "I see you are enjoying a hearty future-lunch."
"I sure am Future Giblets!" says Future Me. "A hearty future-lunch of Soytricious You."
"Soytricious You is the food of all foods in the future!" says Future Giblets. "Nobody is anybody who doesn't eat Soytricious You!"
"It tastes like waffles and pork candy and roast panda ice cream!" says Future Me.
"One spoonful of Soytricious You contains one billion percent of your recommended daily allowance of everything!" says Future Giblets.
"Two spoonfuls gives you the power of a thousand suns," says Future Me. "A cup makes you collapse into a black hole!"
"An irresistibly delicious black hole," says Future Giblets, "from which flavor can never escape."
"Soytricious You was the first food to get elected President of the United States," says Future Me, "which is how we got world peace."
"But in the future it is SPACE peace, which is far superior to regular peace," says Future Giblets. "Peacestronauts are launched into space to conquer and destroy Space War and its alien homeworld before it strikes again!"
"Millions die in the ensuing tranquility," says Future Me. "The survivors envy the dead."
"Because the dead are converted into delicious Soytricious You!" says Future Giblets.
"In the Future!" says Future Us. "WOOOOOOEEEEEEOOOOOO!"

In the Future, man will be able to predict the future so effortlessly he will know what he is going to predict before he predicts it. Most of his predictions will involve predicting the predictions he is about to predict. Occasionally he will attempt to predict if women will have sex with him; they will not.


posted by fafnir at 6:13 PM



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