Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Giblets will never understand these Iraqis. You invade them, flatten their cities, lock up and torture their relatives and what thanks do you get? Either a lot of explosives or the lamest candy-and-flowers display Giblets has ever seen. Weak, Iraqis. Very weak.

Well Giblets can end it all, and pretty damn fast. He has all he needs to end the war right now: an extra hundred thousand troops or so he intends to send to win the war. Where did he get them, you ask? Simple - for Giblets, at least. He got them with the power of imagination.

Yes, even now Giblets is searching his mighty mind for imaginary recruits and within one week expects to crush the insurgency with two thousand armored leprechauns, eight battalions of snuffalupagi, six divisions of heffalumps and the 101st Airborne Oozle Brigade! Guided by the unmatched tactical genius of Mr. Squigglesworth, Giblets's six-armed tap-dancing purple space squid and Secretary of Pretense, Operation: Wishful Thinking cannot fail! And if it does, Giblets will merely declare an Opposite Day. Losing IS winning in pretend!

Do you doubt the genius of Giblets? That is because you are made of stupid! Pretend troops are just what we need to fight for a pretend cause! Only Giblets's imaginary army will finally manage to locate Saddam's hidden stash of nukes buried deep within Fairyland! Only Giblets's fictional fighting men can spread democracy by discovering the long-lost Fountain of Freedom under Baghdad, whose magical waters turn everyone who drinks them into a fully-functioning republic! Only Giblets's dream draftees can end terror forever by assassinating the boogeyman! Everyone join hands and believe - or you stab our glorious playtime in the back! Onward, make-believe soldiers!

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posted by Giblets at 6:17 PM




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