Tuesday, July 19, 2005
So I'm walkin through the supermarket talkin to stuff like I do when one a the pork chops starts talkin back.
"Why hello there Mr. Fafnir," says the pork chop. "If you could free me from here I would greatly appreciate it."
"Why hello there Mr. Meat," says me tippin my hat. "Could you reward me with three fantastical wishes?"
"Of course," says the pork chop, "provided each of them backfires in some supremely ironic fashion."
"It's a deal!" says me. By the end a the day I get a million dollars confiscated by the government, impeached from the office of the president, a broken-down candy factory an my own talkin pork chop.
The wisdom of the ancients tells of the great spirits, the totems of wild: the strength of the buffalo, the wisdom of the owl, the endurance of the turtle, the pork chop... the ancients are confused about the pork chop. How did the pork chop get here? They are uncertain. What is the significance of the pork chop - to us, to the buffalo, to other, more significant pork chops? A vote is held; it is inconclusive. Unancientlike arguments begin to pop up. Can anything be done to be rid of it? Specialists are obliquely discussed. How many of them are there? If you see one, you've seen a dozen. Says who? Another vote is offered; it is voted down. The chairman refers the matter to committee and gavels the meeting to a close. No one is satisfied.
"How did you win that footrace?" says the pork chop. "I thought you were supposed to take an infinite number of steps to reach the finish line."
"I was, but I skipped half of em," says me.
"I believe that's cheating," says the pork chop all indignant-like.
"Aw cmon," says me. "You won the high jump contest. Besides you'll do great in the next one. What number am I thinkin of?"
"A cow," says the pork chop. "Cheating again!"
"The cow is not really a cow," says me. "It is the cow and the symbol of cow."
"It is the cow, the symbolic cow and the horror of the real cow," says the pork chop.
"It is the vampire cow!" says me. "Run away before it drains all cow blood from our cow imaginations!"
"Don't worry - it can't see us or hear us in this state," says the pork chop.
"Because there's no such thing as the real?" says me.
"Because I'm a pork chop," says the pork chop.
"I pretend to understand," says me. We hang out at the zoo until we get thrown outta the hippo house.
On the day God decided to shape the world he called all the animals before him in order that they might give him counsel. And the fish was set before him and God said to the fish, "O fish, how shall I shape the world," and the fish said "Shape it like a bowl that it might be filled with water and the fish might swim in it." And the falcon was set before him and God said to the falcon, "O falcon, how shall I shape the world," and the falcon said "Shape it like a cloud that it might be filled with air and the falcon might fly above it." And the pork chop was set before him and God said to the pork chop, "O pork chop, how shall I shape the world," and the pork chop was silent. "Hey pork chop," said God. "Hey now, hey now pork chop," said God. The animals looked at each other. "Now - now don't rush me here, this one's just a little shy," said God. "Hey now pork chop." What an old loon. What the hell was he doing talking to animals anyway?
"Okay try to focus just a little more," says me tossin the softball. It bounces off the pork chop an lands in a bush.
"Oh, came this close!" says the pork chop. A big helpful dog comes runnin up with the softball. Truly he is man's second-best friend next to pork chop.
"Now try a lighter catch this time," says me. The pork chop doesn't seem to be payin attention, he's bein picked up by the dog. "You gotta wait your turn," I says to the dog. The dog isn't listenin. Didn't he hear about the cow? "Hey put him down!" I says to the dog. The dog's runnin off with my spirit guide! I try to chase it but it's too fast. Noooooooo! Come back pork chop! Come baaaaaaack!
I go to my local police station to report the crime but they're overloaded with missin spiritual meat reports an don't bother to help me. I am just another number to them. I put up fliers with the pork chop's picture an description all over town but nobody calls me back.
"Do you think meat goes to heaven?" says me.
"Giblets thinks the universe is dangerously stupid," says Giblets.
Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 7:42 PM