Friday, July 15, 2005

Dunh dunh dunh-dunh-dunh-dunh DUNH dunh dunh DUNH DUNH!Giblets is bored! His once-reliable stream of twenty-four-hour celebrity child molestation and missing white chicks has slowed to a trickle while his mighty thirst for journotainment remains unquenched. Only one solution remains: Giblets declares another presidential election!

For a whole half a year Giblets has gone without debates and primaries and match-up polls, and the world is weaker for it! Giblets wants to see clashes of titans, epic slinging of slime, shameless heaps of corn subsidies and nubian slaves piled around random Iowa farmers, wives made entirely of husked corn and oatmeal cookies tearing each other to ribbons on the set of This Week With George Stephanopoulos! Giblets wants the McCain-Satan unity ticket!

There is an entire universe of art and culture Giblets can only experience in campaign season: the prayerful mantra of the repeated talking point, the lyrical dance of the quasi-retracted half-promise, the sombre poetry of the reluctant character assassination, the classical drama of an entire press corps united in a modern-day Greek chorus wailing at the inevitable downfall of a dozen would-be kings!

And the stunning cast of characters! Who will be the cute one, the creepy one, the grizzled but lovable veteran, the comic relief, the maverick bad boy who breaks away from the pack just long enough to kiss ass for a juicy endorsement from Concerned Hitler Clones of America? Whose promising campaign will be crushed under an onslaught of unauthorized biographies revealing his lifelong financial and sexual liasons with a rabid horde of terrorist hyenas? Giblets can stand the suspense no longer! This thrilling spectacle cannot be contained in a mere year-long media orgy! Let the permanent bloodsport commence!

Into the cages with them! Strip them naked and throw them in the Pit of Pundits! Unleash the dogs and the werepigs, the ogres and the Matthewses, the Novaks and the Russerts! Five hundred quatloos on the newcomer! To the death! The DEATH!
posted by Giblets at 8:06 AM




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