Thursday, May 5, 2005

Of late, numerous revisionist historians have tried to portray the Iraq War as somehow "unjustified" or "a deception" or "god-fuckingly misbegotten" on the basis that it was presented as a necessary war of self-defense and is being described as a chosen war of liberation now that weapons of mass destruction have failed to materialize.

This is both absurd and dishonest. There was one reason and one reason alone the United States went to war, and for those who have forgotten, allow the Medium Lobster to remind them with this chronology of the events leading up to the smashing success that has been Operation Iraqi Freedom:

  • Late August, 2002: George Bush shocks America and the world by revealing that Iraq may not be a constitutional monarchy as previously thought, but a cruel dictatorship instead, and that action must be taken. He also briefly makes mention of some two hundred armed warheads the Iraqi president may, according to British intelligence, launch from his nostrils within 45 minutes.
  • October, 2002: Expressing skepticism at the UN process, President Bush reminds Americans that they cannot wait for "the smoking gun that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud... a mushroom cloud of not-freedom." He adds that as a side benefit, an invasion will eliminate Saddam's capacity to join with four other Arab dictators to form a massive sword-wielding space robot.
  • November, 2002: At America's urging the UN Security Council passes Resolution 1441, which finds Iraq in material breach of Freedom and calls Saddam Hussein to immediately adopt a constitutional democracy with free and open elections or face "serious consequences." UN oppression inspectors are immediately dispatched to search for lingering traces of dictatorship; curiously, chief inspector Hans Blix is confounded to find a fully-functioning representative republic with strong checks and balances. He becomes increasingly suspicious during Iraq's presidential primary season, however, while observing a stump speech in which Saddam promises to unite Iraq behind a platform of lower taxes, excruciating torture, and a culture of life.
  • January, 2003: The President argues in his State of the Union address that Saddam Hussein's dictatorship could be spreadable, like a flu or a bad cold, insisting that "we must not permit the world's most dangerous regimes to threaten us with the world's most dangerous regimes." Dire speculation turns to a suitcase dictatorship that could explode in Manhattan, oppressing millions. The President also notes in passing that an invasion would thwart Saddam's terrorist plot to steal Christmas.
  • Late January, 2003: An increasingly panicked Crown Prince Abdullah worries with horror that Saddam's tyranny proliferation campaign is sweeping even into the peaceable utopia of Saudi Arabia, and urges President Bush to invade his own country at once for the sake of democracy. Unperturbed, the President assures the prince that to do so would only be giving into terror.
  • February, 2003: In a dramatic presentation before the Security Council, Colin Powell explicitly details how Saddam Hussein has cunningly hidden the corruption, evil and human rights abuses in Iraq within a series of mobile trailer parks. He goes on to diagram how a bill becomes a law while showing archival footage of Schoolhouse Rock. A flustered Tarik Aziz storms out of the session, shouting repeatedly, "Lies! This proves nothing, nothing!"
  • Early MArch, 2003: Dick Cheney appears on "Meet the Press," declaring that "we believe [Saddam] has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons. And by 'reconstituted nuclear weapons', I mean an evil dictatorship." He notes that as a plus, an invasion would also allow America to destroy Saddam's reconstituted nuclear weapons.
  • March, 2003: Hours before the war is to finally begin, President Bush gives Saddam Hussein one last ultimatum: convert to a system of liberal representative democracy with guaranteed human rights, or face military action. Saddam refuses to comply.
  • April, 2003: The Fall of Baghdad. Millions of weapons of mass destruction, now ecstatically weeping for joy at their newfound freedom, shower their American liberators with candy and flowers before immediately taking off for Iran and North Korea. Victory at last.
  • posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:27 PM



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