Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Welcome! Gibletus domini, Gibletus sancti, e pluribus Giblum. Genuflect for Giblets! Genuflect for Giblets NOOOOOOW!

In the days following Giblets’s glorious conquest of popedom many have wailed in ceaseless abject horror. Your agony is pleasing to Giblets, and makes him stronger with every bitter teardrop! Behold Giblets’s first almighty papal decrees!

Decree the First! THE POPE NAME: Many publications both in print and on the internet have misrepresented Giblets’s pope name. For the record: Giblets is now Pope Supremicus Magnifium Increate the Worldstomping. Abbreviation of the pope name will be punished by scourging, fire, and castration.

Decree the Second! SAINTS: There are too damn many of them, and most of ‘em are pretty lame. I mean, Saint Gerulph? John of the Grating? Terence of Metz? These are crap saints! All saints are now fired and will have to give up their posh saint pads for the suck regions of Heaven, such as the Smellosphere and the Encrusteryean. Giblets is replacing them with some real saints! First up for canonization: Saint Pius XII for his devotion to faith and his strengthening of the Church, Saint Atilla of Hun for his rigorous defense of Church doctrine and respect for the unborn, and Saint Conan of Barbaria for his dedication to the culture of life and for that kick-ass way he lopped off James Earl Jones’s head. Failure to recognize new saints will be punished by scourging, fire, and castration.

Decree the Third! WOMEN: The role of women in the church must be settled at once: from this day forth are allowed inside within a fifty-foot radius of a church to receive Jesus in his cracker form, which will be fired at them from the rooftops via the Breadgun. Approach at your own risk. Any women intending to come closer should do so sealed up and wheeled around in convenient carts to prevent the infection of God with cooties. The faithful may pick up their carts at the local diocese. Those who do not will be punished by scourging, fire, and castration.

Decree the Fourth! PEACE, LOVE, ETC.: A new age of peace, love, brotherhood, and respect for human life is declared, and all are to love one another as they blah blah blah. Observance is optional.

There is still much to be done before the rest of the heathen world accepts Giblets’s unyielding popeness, as they have been corrupted by the evils of relativism. Giblets therefore declares the formation of a new pope army, Opus Gibletae, which will seek out and destroy relativism wherever it may hide! We will start with Giblets’s next door neighbor, whose dog has been pooping on the Vatican lawn for several weeks now in what can only be clear defiance of any concept of objective truth.


posted by Giblets at 9:22 PM



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