Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Giblets has been transfixed - transfixed, I say! - by the grippingly ghoulish saga of Terry Schiavo. Giblets has watched her on the web, on CNN, on Fox, on C-SPAN and C-SPAN 2, and Giblets wants more! The coppery taste of compassionate conservatism is in the water, and Giblets is hungry for more! "If only it could last forever!" you say. Oh, but it can - and Giblets decrees that it SHALL!

Senators, from this day forth none of you will be allowed into Congress without dragging along AT LEAST one (1) vegetative American with a partially liquified brain. Remember, the more you bring with you, the more compassionate you are! You can use them however you want - wave them around, pose them in interesting shapes, demonstrate their need for private Social Security accounts - but you must use them AT ALL TIMES THROUGHOUT THE DAY. If you go without referencing them for thirty seconds, you must either stop to bounce them or pass them to another player on your team.

News media: from now on all your stories must be about Terry Schiavo or Terry Schiavo-related activities. If you are reporting on the war in Iraq, don't tell us if we're "winning" or "losing," tell us what would Terry Schiavo think of the war in Iraq? Can Terry Schiavo follow a balloon in Iraq? Even Saddam Hussein wouldn't unplug Terry Schiavo's feeding tube! Repeat for torture, climate change, UN rape scandals! Interrupt the stream of Schiavomation only for quick cuts of Hannity beating Colmes with an ape femur! Giblets wants to see Terry Schiavo on Larry King, on Leno, on Wheel of Fortune! Spin it, Vanna! Buy that girl an "E"!

Oh, sure, there are plenty of sensate human beings dying in horrible ways around the globe right now, but who cares about them? Iraq? Too foreign! Darfur? Too brown! Medicaid cuts? Too poor-y! Remember, one death is a tragedy, a million are a statistic, but one stretched out to an interminable length makes for endless hours of thrilling tragitainment!
posted by Giblets at 7:27 AM




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