Wednesday, October 6, 2004

So many seek out the wisdom of the Medium Lobster, but now those confused and frightened souls may finally receive an answer - in Medium Lobster Mailbag, the newest and most enlightened feature added to this blog. Our first seeker of higher knowledge is Faisal N. Jawdat, who asks:
A reading of The Shrill Blog lead me to notice repeated invocation of the expression "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh [America Hating Liberal] R'lyeh wagn'nagl fhtagn! Aaaaiiiiii!!!!." Further investigation leads me to conclude that this is a reference to the works of Howard Phillips Lovecraft, who, it turns out, was objectively pro Saddam.

We have combined this with several other pressing "grand challenge" problems in modern political science:

1. Where does Dick Cheney disappear to from time to time?
2. Why can't he tell the truth ever?

and another reference to Mr. Lovecraft, "That is not dead which may eternal lie / and with strange aeons death itself may die." We believe this reference may in fact have to do with Mr. Cheney, as he is clearly not dead and is always lying. Is Dick Cheney a follower of Cthulhu? Please examine the evidence and let us know what you think. If your conclusions match our own, please advise as to the hypothesis that Grover Norquist is "he who must not be named".
Ah, Faisal, you have made an elementary - but understandable - error, one often committed by those just beginning to pierce the veil of mysteries. You have confused the master with the servant. For Dick Cheney is no follower of Cthulhu; rather, he is an avatar of mighty and monstrous Yog-Sothoth, the key and guardian of the gate, the All-in-One of limitless being and self whose vile and indomitable essense stretches beyond the expanse of time and space and can only be perceived by mortals in brief glimpses: a form of The Cheney there, a shape of Yog-Delay there, a brief glimmer of NyarlaHastert there. There is not one Cheney, my friend, but a hundred, a thousand, a million - each a monstrous roiling outstretched tentacle reaching from the blackened abyss of the Outer Gods.

Such beings are beyond what mortals call "good" and "evil," Faisal. Their ways cannot be known - and indeed, must not be known - for the workings of the universe are too terrifying and horrible, its secret energy meetings, doctored deficit projections, and dealings with Iran too maddening for ordinary men. These hard realities we must leave to the hard and foul beings who govern America in the dark - for should Americans look too closely, they could be driven into madness, confusion, and doubt - as was John Edwards last night, when he was "getting his facts wrong." The facts are too terrible a thing for the American voters to witness, Faisal. Best to leave them with the Vice President - and the monstrous nuclear chaos beyond angled space which the Necronomicon has mercifully cloaked under the name of Grover Norquist.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:38 AM




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