Saturday, October 2, 2004
God bless the electoral college! If this country elected its presidents with some "popular vote," presidential candidates would have to pander to every state in the country instead of just a handful of loser "swing" states like Ohio and Michigan. Screw you, California, Texas, New York, New England, and the South! Giblets flips you the electoral bird 'cause you don't count this time around!
Sadly, this means Giblets - and John Kerry and George Bush, who also seem to be running for president - must also pander to Florida, or as it is affectionately known, "The Pimple on America's Ass." A swampy wasteland populated entirely by retirees, Cuban exiles, vacationers, and southerners who appear to be lost, no one is native to Florida but the immense poodle-devouring reptiles that prowl its poisonous bogs and gated communities. But who will conquer its diverse population of aged storm-tossed rabble? Giblets that is who!
Florida first greeted Giblets with its hearty stench of old people. Florida you are old and you smell like old man smell! Ewww! Old people are a crucial part of Floridian society and economy, especially in the funeral industry. They are a tricky bunch to woo, for as old age sets in their minds grow rigid. "I only vote for Roosevelt!" says one nameless old man Giblets sees on a street corner somewhere. But what old people lose in their intractability they make up for in their weakness! Yes, old people are easily cowed by presidential candidates, for they are close to the grasping claws of Old Gray Death!
GIBLETS: Old woman! Who are you planning to vote for!
SOME OLD WOMAN: Well, I hadn't quite made up my mind, young man. Now, I'm very upset with President Bush, I don't agree at all with what he's done with the war, and Medicare, but John Kerry...
GIBLETS: Giblets! You will vote for Giblets then!
SOME OLD WOMAN: Oh now, I don't know...
GIBLETS: Giblets is strong and mighty and will crush your withered bones with his teeth! You are old and weak and reek of death!
SOME OLD WOMAN: Oh my, I'm going to have to...
GIBLETS: VOOOOTE FOR GIBLEEEEEETS! VOOOOOOTE FOR GIIIBLEEEEEETS!
Giblets will dominate the old people vote! But what of the Cuban vote? Everyone knows that Florida swings by the whims of the fiercely anti-Cuba Cuban vote! But again, Giblets's strengths can overwhelm those of his opponents in this area! Again he will dominate!
GIBLETS: How can Giblets win your vote?
SOME CUBAN GUY: Giblets? I wasn't really...
GIBLETS: In the first one hundred days of a Giblets presidency, Giblets will invade Cuba, oust Fidel Castro, and install as Cuba's new leader the mummified corpse of Fulgencio Batista! Huzzah!
SOME CUBAN GUY: I'm actually looking more at John Kerry because of stance on the travel restrictions...
GIBLETS: And then Giblets will chop off Castro's head, stuff it with onions, and personally present it to you on a platter! Who's your daddy, Cuban vote? Giblets is your daddy!
SOME CUBAN GUY: Mmmm... onions?
But the most important swing voters in Florida are the electronic voting machines, which are riddled with enough security holes to make the hacking of the Florida election trivial. Voting machines have already crashed and wiped out records on statewide elections from the past two years, and the good news is no changes have been made to the system since! This is probably Giblet's best chance to pick up some prime electoral real estate.
kinggiblets: so how easy is this
v0t3h4x0r1337: d00d like a monkey could do this shit
kinggiblets: hack the election
kinggiblets: hack the election for giblets
v0t3h4x0r1337: no way man
kinggiblets: hack the election for giblets NOW
v0t3h4x0r1337: im throwing this thing to michael badnarik
kinggiblets: insolent script kiddie! you will feel giblets's wrath :(
So there you have it. The cesspool that is the Florida election. There is one more voter that may figure in, although he's not as big lately - God. With the recent spate of hurricanes it's clear that God is trying desperately to destroy the entire state before it can become a factor in November. Alas, you are too weak, God! You need to bring out the big boys! A tsumani, a meteor impact, a plague of hellfrogs - give us somethin' we can WORK with! 'Cause come November we're gonna have 27 electoral votes nobody's gonna have any idea what to do with. Better sink 'em now and get it over with.
posted by Giblets at 7:23 PM