Thursday, October 8, 2009

Q: Is Iran a threat?
A: Oh yes. Even as we speak Iran is potentially starting the beginnings of a very possibly quite almost-real hypothetically nuclear weapons program!
Q: Oh no! How many nuclear weapons does Iran already have?
A: Counting warheads, ICBMs, mid- and long-range missiles, ABMs, tactical nukes, bunker-busters and submarine-based weaponry, the full nuclear arsenal of Iran at this moment is very rapidly just beginning to quite possibly approach a number just short of one!
Q: That makes them almost as deadly as the rogue nation of Whoville or the Islamic Republic of Candyland!
A: And they could be just months away from an actual bomb!
Q: But they've been just months away from a bomb for years now.
A: I know! Which means in terror years, Iran already has a bomb... in your child's precious brain!
Q: But that's where she keeps her sugarplum dreams!
A: That's why it's up to us to already have being stopped them!
Q: What will Iran do with nuclear weapons?
A: Terrible things. For a start, it will have them.
Q: Oh no!
A: And once it has them, it can threaten to use them, if anyone else tries to use them on them.
Q: There would be no defense against their self-defense.
A: They pose an existential threat to our ability to existentially threaten them.

Q: Is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a threat?
A: Oh, very much so. In fact, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a Madman.
Q: We know he is a madman because he hates us, and we know that he hates us because he says bad things about us, and the only reason he would say bad things about us is if he were mad!
A: We also know that he has threatened - with his own mouth - to "wipe Israel off the face of the map"!
Q: Really?
A: Yes!
Q: Really?
A: No. But only a madman would say something that could be so easily mistranslated to sound like the words of a madman.
Q: Does Mahmoud Ahmadinejad actually run Iran?
A: No. But wouldn't it be scary if he did?
Q: Oooh, yes! And wouldn't it be scary if he were ten feet tall and breathed fire and ate the bones of men?
A: And wouldn't it be scary if he were in your house right now?
Q: Ohmigod I'd be so scared! Oooh that scary beard, oooh those beady eyes!
A: He's comin' to get you! He's in your closet an' he's comin' to get you right now!

Q: What should we do with Iran?
A. All options are on the table.
Q: Should we bomb them? Is bombing them on the table?
A: Bombing them must be on the table, because it is an option, and all options are on the table.
Q: What about starving them to death with sanctions? Is starving them to death with sanctions on the table?
A: In that an option? Because if it is an option, then it must be, as we have mentioned before, on the table.
Q: What about bombing their cities and burning their children and raping their livestock and feeding their people to thousands of millions of man-eating ants and piling their skulls into a heaping bonfire on the White House lawn while the President and the Cabinet and the Joint Chiefs of Staff dance naked in circles ejaculating wildly into the flesh-filled smoke? Is that on the table?
A: It would be irresponsible for this option not to be on the table, given that all other options, as we have said, are on the table.
Q: What about leaving Iran alone? Is that on the table?
A: No. That is not on the table, because it is not an option.
Q: Are you sure? It looks like an option.
A: It may look like an option, but in fact it is the East Tunisian mock option, which over the course of many years has evolved to mimic the distinctive coloring and plumage of the true American option, in order to better evade and intimidate predators.

Q: If Mahmoud Ahmadinejad drops a penny off the top of the Empire State Building, will it kill whoever it hits on the ground below?
Q: If Mahmoud Ahmadinejad drops a nickel, will he kill five people? If he drops a quarter, will he reestablish the Caliphate?
Q: Is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad even now amassing an arsenal of spare change deep within the unsuspecting bowels of New York City, roaming from corner to corner, subway to subway, armed with a stockpile of acoustic guitars, violins, steel drums, rudimentary juggling skills, waiting and watching for the perfect moment to strike?
Q: If we say Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's name three times, will the Hidden Imam pop out of our warblog and kill us with his hook hand?

Q: Is the Taliban a threat?
A: Of course. The Taliban is an ongoing threat to our ongoing mission to eliminate the Taliban.
Q: And if we fail to eliminate the Taliban?
A: We cannot fail to eliminate the Taliban, as long as the Taliban continues to provide safe havens and training grounds for the Taliban.
Q: And the Taliban, of course, offers aid and comfort to the ever-dangerous Taliban.
A: Such is the deadly circle of terror.
Q: Is Belgium a threat?

Q: Is Afghanistan a threat?
A: Of course not! We are not at war with the proud and freedom-loving people of Afghanistan. We simply happen to be killing the proud and freedom-loving people of Afghanistan on a regular basis.
Q: But we deeply regret killing them, each and every time we kill them.
A: And each and every time we plan to kill them, and each and every time we're in the middle of killing them, and each and every time we plan to kill them again.
Q: And every time we go to kill them, we of course take every possible precaution we can possible take to avoid killing them, except of course for not actually killing them.
A: In a way, you could say that by killing them so conscientiously, we are actually doing them a favor.
Q: In a way, you could say that our killing them is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for them.
A: In a way, you could say we have a moral responsibility to keep killing them, because if we ever stopped, who knows who might kill them then?
Q: They might be killed by other, non-us people! Or even by nobody at all!
A: And then where would they be!
Q: At the mercy of the Belgian threat.

Q: Could we one day live in a world without threats?
A: No, no - we're not ready for that. It's far too threatening.
Q: We need our threats. They're part of our way of life.
A: But there are those who would take away our threats.
Q: Because they hate our way of life.
A: And they are the greatest threat of all.
Q: Are they in China? Is China a threat?

Labels: , ,

posted by fafnir at 2:25 PM

Hurray! I love fafblog!
by Anonymous John, at October 08, 2009 2:31 PM
Is fafblog a threat? And if it is, do we need to fear a nuclear-powered fafblog?
Belgium will bury you in french fries with mayonnaise, mussels and waffles, all covered in dark chocolate and triple trappist beer, then you'll see!
wait. is China a threat? mom's got a whole cabinet of that stuff at home. do i just blow up the whole cabinet, or am i supposed to put it all on the table first? please help!
make sure the table wasn't in China
by Anonymous Anonymous, at October 08, 2009 3:43 PM
Q: Is Belgium a threat? A: Spoken like a Walloon. Are you sure you're not a Walloon?
by Anonymous Krugmanic Depressive, at October 08, 2009 3:44 PM
Well, it certainly SEEMS threaty, but how can I be sure? Is the captcha "eurtiot" a clue? rb
I do so want to see this performed as a skit, set as a cable talk-show interview.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at October 08, 2009 4:39 PM
I didn't know 'threaty' was a word, thank you rb-
@oriste - Yummm...what do we have to do to get Belgium to attack us?!?!?
by Anonymous Anonymous, at October 08, 2009 5:01 PM
Well, "threaty" is injudicious. How about threat-like? That has the proper lack of meaning.
Is pie an option? It's often on the table. However, I wouldn't suggest putting an everything pie on the table. A generous slice of cold nuclear pie will do just fine. See, not so scary.
by Anonymous evil doer, at October 08, 2009 7:46 PM
Belgium begins with ... oh no!
It's all the fault of Jimmy Carter. Damn you, Jimmy Carter! You are OLD! And no longer comely!
No! China is the swarm of man-eating ants! Don't get threaty with China or everything's off the table.
I really enjoyed my reading over this blog. Thanks.
Very interesing Q&A but I think they're all dangerous countries.
If Fafblog drops a nickel off the Empire State Building, will it kill all the sugarplum dreams of the man-eating ants who govern the Islamic Republic of Candyland?
So, cold nuclear pie raises it's not so scary head. It always does. rb
The only way this could be any funnier is if God-Emperor Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize!

Wait, whut?
If the pie is on the table and China is a threat then does that mean we must serve the pie on napkins... oh damn you, you horrid Belgian Osama Ben Table Laden with Pie...
Jimmy Carter was comely? My optometrist must be Iranian. Who'd a thunk it? Damn their subversive, Dr Evil type of infiltration. Damn them!
If Ahmadinejad tried to wipe Israel off the face of the map with his own mouth, it would probably take a while.
Great! Now do the one where we all pretend that Isreal does not have nuclear weapons.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at October 10, 2009 3:02 PM
Those who say reality has made satire impossible, clearly do not read Fafblog.

You have truly raised the bar. Either that or razed it.

Great piece.
The answer to the question of whether Belgium is a threat is "What's in it for me?"
Fantastic! I especially like the opening bit about the number of weapons they have. (Back in 2007, I wrote a post about scaremongering over Iran then, noting that for over twenty-five years, Iran has been a hypothetical threat, and right this very minute they’re sitting on a huge stockpile of hypothetical weapons.)
is Israel a threat? Do they have nuclear arms? Should Mordecai Vanunu have gotten the Nobel?

yes. yes. yes.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at October 12, 2009 10:16 AM
i really like the belgian option...
with powdered sugar please.
belgians are very dangerous.

everyone in europe is afraid of them.

they often hid under tables.
by Anonymous Joe Blow, at October 19, 2009 10:20 PM
only thing that i can say is.. don't ever ever ever trust these people..
aw,,, how could you say that? I have freinds from that countries but they are not that bad guys. those bad guys are rebels.
You’re best! Go!Go!加油
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by Anonymous Anonymous, at October 26, 2009 10:14 PM
In the light of 'contiguous dimensional worlds' the Moslems are in for an essential review of their whole concept. Indeed, God's essence is one, but the Christian trinity is how God exists as persons.
How great it is to find a blog of people who are honestly looking for answers. You people see only what is material; lots of Christian ideas are out of this world (and help us to live better in this world). Plato in his 'Allegory of the Cave' started it. Abbott, writer of 'Flatland', described contiguous dimensional worlds. 'Techie Worlds', available at, analyzes in a mechanistic sort of way. It looks at Christian concepts like Trinity, resurrection, judgment, soul, Satan and hell. Viewed dimensionally, those ideas make logical sense. That follows the pattern of science: examine phenomena in the light of a theory. When phenomena become more understandable, accept that theory.
Throughout history mankind has experienced strange ideas and events: Wicca, Greek gods, Hindu pantheism, upturned corners on oriental temples, the sun dancing at Fatima. Materialists just deny them all. 'Techie Worlds', with its geometric understanding of worlds contiguous with ours, explains the structure of our real worlds. It is not accepted by bible thumpers and professional religious. They have faith. Instead it serves thinkers who are able to integrate sensible ideas.
by Anonymous Anonymous, at October 27, 2009 1:34 PM
The only improvement I could suggest for this delightful blog would be to name if Farfblog! not Fafblog!

Because it might be more fun to say aloud. One might wake oneself up from sleep spontaneously saying it and giggling.


But Fafblog! is also funny and will suffice.


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