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Monday, July 28, 2008

Change You Can Suspend Your Disbelief In

Change is in the air - bright new shiny change, lemon-scented and shrink-wrapped to preserve freshness, and its bold laminated name is Barack Obama! Oh sure, all the lefties and the liberals and the constitution-coddlers are whining and moaning about Obama right now. Well maybe he's no "liberal Jesus." Maybe he's been "moving to the right" a little lately. Maybe he wants to "restrict abortion rights" and "execute people for non-capital crimes" and "give himself the unchecked ability to spy on everyone whenever he wants." "Oh the rule of law," you say, "oh our basic rights and freedoms." Well boo hoo hoo! Do you hear that, liberals? That is the sound of the world's smallest violin playing just for your basic rights and freedoms. You have to listen pretty close, it's hard to hear over all these other violins getting waterboarded.

What these namby pamby privacy-pamperers don't seem to realize is that in order for Barack Obama to affect real change, he has to get elected president, and in order to get elected president he has to appeal to the millions of ordinary hard-working Americans who want to get wiretapped by Barack Obama - ordinary hard-working Americans like the staff of the Obama campaign.¹ Now that doesn't mean Barack Obama doesn't stand for change, because he totally does! He isn't just going to be spying on you and blowing up the mideast - he's going to be the first black man in history to spy on you and blow up the mideast!² The next time a U.S. air strike kills a wedding party in Kabul, or an American-made cluster bomb tears up a refugee camp in the Gaza strip, the bloodied and limbless survivors will emerge weeping from the wreck to remember Obama's inspiring life story - his father from Kenya, his mom from whatever white place his mom's from - and think, "I'm so proud to be maimed by someone with such a unique appreciation of the American experience!"³

Finally a president who can talk about the boundless optimism of the American spirit right after wiretapping your phone lines, who'll inspire us with stirring speeches on racial transcendence in between smart-bombing targets of opportunity, who can end our pointless, bloody war in Iraq and get back to the business of our pointless, bloody war in Afghanistan! Giblets hasn't felt this close to a commander-in-chief since Reagan bombed Grenada with a genial wink and two hundred thousand pounds of military-grade optimism. Oh sure, Obama might not be a great president, or even a good president. He might even be a shitty, evil president. But it's about time we had a shitty, evil president who restored America's belief in the fundamental decency of shitty, evil presidents! And that's change you can believe in.

^{1. Giblets is given to understand that Ohio alone is populated entirely by David Plouffe.}

^{2. Dr. King had a dream - a dream that one day the guy who was secretly wiretapping him would be a black dude.}

^{3. It'll be just like that episode of This American Life where Ira Glass has David Sedaris kidnapped by the CIA and tortured in a Syrian prison camp!}

Labels: fuck you '08, hope change and cluster bombs, the king of freedom, the party party

posted by Giblets at 1:36 PM

45 Comments:

Giblets is a smart Giblets.

Personally, I've decided that, this time around, I'm going to vote with my heart instead of my head... so I've been real busy trying to beef up my mitral valves, on account of they are currently too weak to handle a pen effectively, not to mention that they're kind of shaky due to all the rhythmic smooth muscle contractions.

Hey -- speaking of smooth muscle contractions, did you guys know that calimari is actually made from chopped up squids? I know! It shocked me, too.

thepuppethead, at July 28, 2008 5:31 PM

There's an initiative on the ballot in Massachusetts to legalize dank nuggz, and I think that's the only thing I'm going to vote for this year.

Fafblog is the best blog.

Anonymous, at July 28, 2008 8:20 PM

"affect real change". gold.

Anonymous, at July 28, 2008 8:54 PM

It's certainly the best Fafblog.

Kip W, at July 28, 2008 8:59 PM

It's the only Fafblog. But enough about change, let's talk about Mitt Romney's hair. There's a good chance it might become President.

Anonymous, at July 28, 2008 10:10 PM

I thought that Ira Glass sounded too genial! There had to be a secret streak of cruelty, or at least wanton apathy.

MarkC, at July 28, 2008 10:36 PM

best ever.

yeti, at July 29, 2008 12:36 AM

Fafblog for collective president.

Anonymous, at July 29, 2008 3:19 AM

Argh. Just when we thought Obama might be immune to the taint of idiocy that presidents need to acquire to get elected in this obnoxious nation.

(P.S., the links seem to be broken, it looks like an HTML problem.)

Rodneylives, at July 29, 2008 4:12 AM

you guys all slept thought he last couple a years, huh?

unless you believed stoopid media spin and right wing talking points instead of your lyin eyes and ears then you would have already known Obama's positions ... which are his current positions... which means that SOMEONE has flip flopped ... but who?

Susan, at July 29, 2008 6:35 AM

The next time I get a "send Obama money" request in the mail, I'm just going to send them this.

Anonymous, at July 29, 2008 8:45 AM

The episode of This American Life described in footnote 3 sounds like one I'd actually be interested in listening to.

My Alter Ego, at July 29, 2008 10:29 AM

no offense, giblets, but this is not the best post ever. i'm partial to "Urgent!" also i really like the doityourself emergency guide where the oragami crane turns into a helicopter!

and i miss pies.

Anonymous, at July 29, 2008 10:49 AM

This comment has been removed by pies.

Would that it had had a choice in the matter.

Anonymous, at July 29, 2008 1:32 PM

Speaking of Ira Glass, did you know that he is composer Philip Glass's first cousin once removed? In other words, Ira is a second cousin to Philip Glass's four children. Philip Glass lives in New York and Nova Scotia. I have first and second cousins living in Nova Scotia myself. It's a small, small world. http://tinyurl.com/yvpgsb

I've only listened to two episodes of This American Life all the way through. They were both quite good. One, "Mistakes Were Made", was about the guy who used to freeze dead people, in the delusion that maybe they'd be thawed and brought back to life in the future. It was more poignant than you might have thought. http://tinyurl.com/6kmerf

The other was called "Giant Pool of Money" - about what Atrios calls "Big Shitpile". Very informative.
http://tinyurl.com/669a45

mistah charley, ph.d., at July 29, 2008 3:11 PM

So they've vetted you for VP huh?

Anonymous, at July 29, 2008 9:31 PM

Sedaris had it coming, what with all his blather about being a Macy's Xmas elf... and that story about somebody wiping their ass on the bathroom towels... and moving to France. That last one in itself is grounds for water-boarding.

Anonymous, at July 30, 2008 3:01 PM

anonymous beat me to it.

then when president obama mysteriously and tragically chokes to death on an oversized chunk in his medium lobster salad (hmmm...) GIBLETS IS PRESIDENT!!!!!

oh the humanity. oh the black helicopters.

Anonymous, at July 30, 2008 4:58 PM

it's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the...

thanks, Faf

Anonymous, at July 30, 2008 11:34 PM

I like the gorilla Jesus better. Anyway it's nice to have you around, even when I'm not.

Anonymous, at August 01, 2008 10:18 PM

this author has been removed by the post.

Unknown, at August 02, 2008 2:39 AM

ex post facto

Anonymous, at August 02, 2008 12:11 PM

your posts are very funny..... i like them...... change

Ghost Dansing, at August 02, 2008 10:36 PM

Wow, it doesn't get much better than this. The title alone is worth the energy spent reading the post.

Anonymous, at August 03, 2008 11:18 AM

Satire here is usually well given and from such an odd direction...but after all the posts slammin' the right now you can only hit on the left? Who's payroll you on now faf? I mean I know that the McCain team is practically writing your material for you but cumon...

Anonymous, at August 03, 2008 12:08 PM

Chains you can believe in!

http://bp3.blogger.com/_0wRJjXvyZ1I/SJJg6QtGzkI/AAAAAAAAB1I/PHP-YLrL1iI/s1600-h/mcchain4.jpg

Susan, at August 03, 2008 4:29 PM

Anonymous IV -
you realize you're arguing with a stuffed bunny, right?
And in fact, one made in China? (Well, two stuffed bunnies and a being transcending space and time and delicious with melted butter, but still, ...)

Anonymous, at August 03, 2008 6:36 PM

It is kinda funny that people's inability or unwillingness to learn the truth instead of right wing and msm spin, is Obama's fault.

Dudes - he's ALWAYS been a centrist and ALWAYS has said he compromises across the aisle and has ALWAYS acted on that approach! When did right wing made up storties about "ooooh how scary the ultra liberal/socialist black man is" become gospel for progressives and Democrats to believe as if it were, um ya know, TRUE?

A lot of people liked his position on Iraq better than Hillary's so I guess you started thinking he agreed with you on everything else.

Your ignorance is YOUR fault. Tools

Susan, at August 04, 2008 7:07 AM

yeah.. we can still change

Anonymous, at August 06, 2008 9:17 AM

Centrist being Media-Industrial Complex code for Republican, and right wing being Media-Industrial Complex code for lunatic fringe fascist.
.

bodiciah t rentlord III, at August 06, 2008 11:21 AM

So, are you saying that if Obama hadn't backed the FISA compromise, he would have lost Ohio, because its voter (David Plouffe) would be so disappointed in not having Obama spy on him that he would vote for McCain, or stay home?

What would have happened to Ohio's electoral votes if David Plouffe had stayed home in disappointment over Obama's refusal to spy on him, and as such there were zero votes for either McCain or Obama in the Ohio election?

Anonymous, at August 07, 2008 2:58 AM

Faith-based initiatives, immunity for telecom spys, business as usual in the MidEast: what's not to like? This is the hope that counts, because even if it isn't hope, it's more realistic, and that's just the kind of hope that matters! Giblets is, as always, brilliant, and on target. :)

Anonymous, at August 07, 2008 8:26 AM

Oh, Fafblog! I'm so happy you're here. I quit looking for you some time ago thinking you would never return. I just saw a link to you at WaterTiger's place and nearly jumped for joy! Welcome back and I can't wait to start reading!

THANK YOU!!!

FastMovingCloud, at August 07, 2008 10:31 AM

I'm just really glad the liberal candidate who was so liberal everyone knew he was secretly gay has finally been caught admitting to having had consensual sex with an adult of the opposite sex. And not even for money, either!

Ha, like they thought it was no one else's business. As if.

It just goes to show our primary process works as intended.

Anonymous, at August 09, 2008 1:48 AM

Well one of the actual candidates for a major party also had an affair when his wife was sick. Only McCain then dumped his sick wife and married his mistress, Cindy.

IOKIYAR

Susan, at August 09, 2008 10:40 PM

Can I get a minifafblog widget for my blog?

It's not called Remain Calm and there are no pictures of beaches or clouds and I haven't done 20 posts on South Ossetia in the last 3 days, so that's OK then, right?

This post is not an author removed from promoting his own website by comment.

TRUE! My Captcha text was vwhifun, V WHEE FUN!

JoshSN, at August 10, 2008 4:43 PM

Giblets, there is someone speaking in tongues on this thread. . . .have you been saved? or do you need a tongue depressor?

I can't wait to have a black man spy on me. It's so exciting - thanks for reminding me of the change I can believe in.

Anonymous, at August 14, 2008 5:54 PM

And they were saying comedians couldn't make fun of Obama... hah! THREE CHEERS FOR FAFBLOG!

Anonymous, at August 16, 2008 6:18 PM

Apparently, I am some sort of Fafblog kiss of death or something. Fafblog was gone for a long time and I missed him and then he came back and I was overjoyed and said YAY!

Then he went away a long time again and I kept checking and checking and I finally gives up. Then, out of the blue, I see that Fafblog has again returned and I says YAY!

Then he is gone again.

Sob.

FastMovingCloud, at August 18, 2008 10:14 PM

While waiting for a new post, billmon has posted three times, another pointless bloody war has come and gone, and we're almost in September. Are we lacking in material or are you busy with the Olympics? Just wondering.

Anonymous, at August 18, 2008 10:16 PM

I missed that episode of This American Life. Could you make a tape and send it to me? Preferably reel-to-reel.

TS, at August 20, 2008 10:03 PM

change is the only way to salvation. am i right?

Anonymous, at October 15, 2008 10:37 AM

Anonymous, at December 18, 2008 11:39 AM