Thursday, March 2, 2006

Well I hope you’re happy America. After months a lookin at Iraq an goin “maybe we shouldn’t invade, there might be a civil war” an “hey the Sunnis and the Shiites really don’t get along, they might have a civil war” an “they really seem to be shooting and killing each other a lot, is this a civil war?”, now there’s a civil war! And all because of you. Oh I’ve heard all the excuses – “the war has failed because of poor planning, the war has failed because of sectarian divisions, the war was based on a fundamentally misbegotten premise” – but those are all just the kinda excuses you tell yourself to feel better. There’s only one reason the war’s falling apart, and it’s pretty obvious: because you hurt its feelings.

Like right after the invasion when the rioting started up, you coulda been all supportive an said “Hey war, it’s alright, somebody just stole 380 tons of high-grade explosives from me last week too!” That coulda made the war feel a lot more positive about itself. Or when the Abu Ghraib scandals broke you coulda looked on the bright side an gone “Hey, you’re lookin less torturey than you used to!” Or when the civil war started you coulda said “Y’know what, you look pretty good in a civil war, this could be a whole new you.”

Instead all the war ever hears is “this is a bad war, let’s get away from this war, I wish this war was never born!” And how do you think that makes the war feel? It feels sad and unloved. It looks up at older wars like the Revolutionary War and World War II and That Time We Blew Up Grenada and thinks “How come they love those wars more than me?” It loses concentration in school. It starts hangin out with bad influences like Vietnam. It’s not even keepin in shape anymore. I saw the war walkin down the street the other day an it was thirty pounds overweight, stinkin of booze and covered with torture camps and death squads.

Last week Musab al Zarqawi was about to give up violence forever and spend the day makin cookies for his local interfaith bake sale when an antiwar diary on broke his heart an convinced im to kick off a wave of bloody sectarian violence instead. For shame, America. For shame.

Last year the war had a birthday an nobody even gave it cake. The war just sat in an empty little room with the editorial staff a The Weekly Standard singin “Happy Birthday to me” real quietlike an tryin to hold back the tears. Well I’m not gonna let that happen this year! This year we’re gonna be there with party hats an ice cream an everything so the war can get it’s self esteem back an feel like it can grow up to be anything it wants to be! Come and bring a present! This year the war would like a new bicycle, a gift certificate or an exit strategy.

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posted by fafnir at 6:05 PM



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