Saturday, January 21, 2006

With congressional Republicans mired in the deepening corruption of the Abramoff scandal, George Bush's approval rating floundering in the midst of numerous abuses of executive power, and Iraq lurching towards civil war, a single, inevitable truth has emerged on the political horizon: the Democratic Party is doomed.

Once the proud torchbearer of noble causes like World War I and the Bay of Pigs invasion, the Democratic Party has recently become a nagging voice of doubt, questioning America's burning need to invade nonexistent threats and torture dangerously muslim cab drivers. Now the party's deranged lust for the rule of law has gone too far, as they push for congressional hearings on George Bush's illegal wiretap program. No doubt Harry Reid and his cronies think they might make some petty partisan hay out of the president officially placing himself above the law, but nothing could be further from the truth. Indeed, Bush's extralegal vigilance will only remind voters of the integrity and competence the president has displayed throughout his handling of national security, from his swift dismantling of Saddam's weapons of mass imagination to his candor regarding the legalization of strictly hypothetical torture. Do the likes of John Kerry really want to face down the mastermind behind the Iraq War armed with nothing more than two hundred years' worth of checks and balances?

Perhaps this daunting task would be easier if the president were politically vulnerable. But Democrats must contend with George W. Bush, the Hercules of New Haven, who stands as a Jovian colossus astride a 40% approval rating. Indeed, by cleverly reducing his own domestic support to increasingly tepid levels, the president has reaffirmed himself as a bold unilateralist who needs no allies to charge ahead with powerful ideas like torture and illegal wiretaps. To attack Bush now would only isolate him further - and thus strengthen his reputation as a unique visionary unencumbered by "focus groups," "civil law" or "democracy."

In the meantime, Democrats risk weakening their already tenuous national security credentials by opposing the critical program that stands between America and the hordes of beturbaned, blowtorch-wielding maniacs which threaten to dismantle her suspension bridges overnight. Can the shrill partisan cohort of Howard Dean really retake Congress by embracing the dark legacy of the objectively pro-blowtorch? The Medium Lobster thinks not. The Democrats already hold the disadvantage of largely opposing George Bush on the Iraq War, where the president has cannily lulled terrorists into a false sense of security by allowing the country to deteriorate into an anarchic hellscape ruled by sectarian death squads. Would they also risk attacking his strong spot on illegal wiretapping, where Bush has asserted a right to break the law at will to spy on Americans in an attempt to gather reams of apparently useless information?

There's just one man Americans trust to have the bold, tough vision to save them from the disaster of President Bush's bold, tough vision, and that man is President Bush. Faced with opposition this strong, the Democrats' best strategy for victory is obvious: abject capitulation. By wholeheartedly endorsing George Bush's seizure of permanent emergency war powers and powerful, clear-headed disintegration of Iraq, Democratic candidates may trick voters into believing that they're actually Republicans, thus riding a tidal wave of GOP support to victory. Why not? It has to work this time.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 3:52 PM



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