Saturday, December 3, 2005

Giblets won't deny it: being the Pope is a lot of fun. Running over cardinals in the Popemobile, infallibly declaring myself fallible and making God's brain explode - but there is a lot of serious work as well... serious work like regulating the variety of nonexistent sex suitable for priests. Which is why Giblets has released his new decree on gayness and the priesthood, On The Badness of Being Icky.

From this day forth, GAYS ARE BANNED! Unlike pedophiles who can be cured with a simple transfer to another diocese, gays are gay forever - and cannot be trusted to keep from their immoral, hot-blooded, man-on-man ways! Even celibate gay priests cannot be trusted to keep their icky aura of gayness from contaminating the purity and straightliness of the Church. Are we to allow gay priests to transmogrify wafers into Jesus? Each of those wafers is like a tiny newborn baby Jesus, and Giblets doesn't have to tell you how impressionable babies are! Exposure to gayness at birth could gay them up forever, and then we have dozens of Gay Jesus crackers being dispensed to helpless parishioners! What happens if a gay priest prays to God and God fails to intercept their gay prayers in time? Then we got a buncha gay prayers floating around inside God's brain! There's no telling how much that could screw him up. He could end up growing gay grass, or creating gay physics, or gaytelligent design! Future man could one day evolve into higher energy beings prone to effeminate mannerisms and an overenthusiastic appreciation of the films of Judy Garland! That's just not natural.

"Oh but Pope Giblets" you say bowing at the foot of Giblets's gold-plated Popemobile, "many animals in the wild are also gay, how can it be unnatural." Fool! Throw him to the pontifical lions! But you make a good point. Nature is very unnatural. Monkeys masturbating, she-dolphin on she-dolphin sex - how selfish and narcissistic of God's creation to defy the order and beauty of God's creation! And that is why ANIMALS ARE ALSO BANNED! From this day forth, the creatures of nature are forever barred from serving in God's one true church. That means you, Father Manimal! "But Pope Giblets, what about the Holy Spirit, doesn't it sometimes appear in the form of a dove," you say. Yes very true, the Holy Spirit has always been the suspiciously fruity one, which is why THE HOLY SPIRIT IS BANNED! Pope Giblets isn't going to put up with a third of the trinity turning up in a rainbow shirt at some Castro Street pride parade - that's just not the God Giblets raised. God will be a two-piece set from now on, like Laurel and Hardy or the White Stripes.

But gay priests and perverted penguins are only the tip of the iceberg! Recent top secret Vatican research has revealed to Giblets that all priests come with penises. Working ones! That can do stuff! What was God thinking! Even as we speak millions of priestly testes are producing billions of vile, unholy sperm. There's no way Giblets can trust these people not to succumb to the power of their infernal bodily fluids and so ALL MEN ARE BANNED! And this should really go without saying but WOMEN ARE TOTALLY BANNED! In fact they are double-banned - if women are to come to church, from now on it has to be in a protective plastic man costume.

Of course all of this raises the question: whose idea was it to befoul the sacred order of God with all this sex and gayness in the first place? The answer: God! GOD IS DEMOTED, PENDING THE POSSIBILITY OF BEING BANNED! A full pontifical investigation of this God/gonad connection will commence immediately. In the meantime God is downgraded to Tertiary Mary status. Saint Rollo the Inert will become Acting God and will report to Giblets for further instructions on Monday. Until then Pope Giblets will pontifically judge the world of potentially suggestive inanimate objects. Bananas, melons, and non-puffy clouds - you have had your final warning!

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posted by Giblets at 3:59 PM



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