Monday, September 19, 2005

So you're standin in the pie department of your local pie store an a course you feel like gettin a pie. "Oh but there are so many delicious kindsa pie Fafnir" says you. "Which one should I get." Well over here we got a nice crispy apple pie an over there you got the fluffy lemon merangue an over there you got the double chocolate cream an right over there you got a large, chiefly aquatic African herbivorous mammal with thick skin, short legs an a broad, wide-mouthed muzzle. "Why I think I'll pick up that last one on accounta I feel like tryin somethin new today" says you an it roars an bites your head an stomps you to death.

Not a pieReview! Now what went wrong there! "Oh it hurts so much!" says you gettin stomped by the pie. "This is the worst pie ever!" Well for starters that was not really a pie. It was in fact a hippopotomus. There's subtle differences between hippopotomuses an pies which you should probably learn about, for instance pies tend to have a rounder and flakier crust and hippopotomuses tend to be more aggressive an territorial and weigh up to seven thousand pounds. If you'd paid more attention in pie class you coulda been enjoyin a tasty dessert right now insteada gettin eatin by a hippo. "I'm sorry Mr. Fafnir!" says you. Don't be sorry, just think harder on our next exercise!

Not a pieSo you're hikin through the forest like you do an after a while you're gettin hungry for pie. Luckily there's a pie right aheada you sittin in front of a big tree. This must be one a those tree pies you hear about all the time! It looks like a woody shrub with leaves containing seven to thirteen reddish-green leaflets. "Well this sure does hit the spot," says you eatin the leaf pie, "even though it is not all that filling and makes my throat itchy and numb." Then you pass out from anaphylactic shock and are eaten by bears, or hippos dressed as bears.

The common American tree pie.Review! "Oh what happened this time!" says you. The pie you ate wasn't a pie - it was poison sumac, which is often confused with the native tree pie on accounta its clever natural camoflage. For future reference you can always tell the real tree pie by its distinctive yellow bands.

Not a pieLast question! So you're in a bakery lookin at pies. There's every kinda pie you can think of here - blueberry pies, greenberry pies, pork pies, chocolate pies, mutton pies, the sultry onion pie. "Well I am going to purchase a perfectly ordinary blueberry pie, says you, "which cannot be confused with poisonous plants or angry angry hippos." Well good for you! Then your pie shoots you and steals your wallet. Oh no!

Review! As you shoulda guessed by now the pie was not in fact a pie but Henri DuMarche a.k.a. Ze Lemon, international spy, saboteur and master of disguise who has been cleverly hiding in that pie crust for the last coupla weeks waitin for you to show up. That piemoflage would never have fooled anyone who'd done their problem sets! For shame, you! See me after class.


posted by fafnir at 2:30 PM



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