Tuesday, March 29, 2005

The Medium Lobster has traveled the length and breadth of space and time as you know it, and in my travels have encountered countless beings in search of enlightenment asking countless questions. But the one I am always asked, without fail, is, "Is it possible to harness homosexuality for military purposes?"

Indeed it is. Gayness is such a powerfully destructive force - last known to be threatening the destruction of no less than marriage, family, Western civilization, the earth, and Baby God - that it easily outstrips the raw explosive power of the strong nuclear force currently unleashed in the detonation of a hydrogen bomb. Weaponizing pure Gay would certainly add a powerful and dangerous new tool to America's military arsenal in the global war on terror. But at what price? Although the idea was toyed with during the Clinton administration, it was ultimately - and wisely - rejected, for the use of such a deadly and catastrophically powerful force for any purpose would surely result in a queer apocalypse of flaming proportions.

Civilization's self-restraint will not be enough, however. There is still the threat of a terrorist or rogue state developing the capability to unleash a Gay Bomb upon the free world - a nightmare scenario we must avoid at all costs. The United States must organize a massive international effort to contain gay proliferation before it is too late, before we have a Gay 9/11 on our hands.


posted by the Medium Lobster at 2:16 PM



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