Saturday, March 26, 2005

So the Pope couldn't make it out to Good Friday yesterday. He is described as "ailing" and "frail" but "still lucid." At last the Pope's one true weakness is revealed: weakness!

Your powers are weak, old man! Enfeebled by age, the Pope can no longer summon the sheer force of will needed to mind-control the Catholic Church or bring Ritual Jesus back from the dead every Easter. But Giblets can... and Giblets will, when he becomes the next Pope!

Oh, you'll hear plenty of arguments for replacing this Pope with just another dumb ol' regular Pope, or a super-efficient Robopope, or the unearthly tidal pull of the Moon Pope. All lies and dross! Only Giblets can complete the circle. Only Giblets can drag mankind to salvation as Pope Giblets the First! Behold the new Gibletsian papacy!

On Church and State: The Catholic Church has gotten way too loose about this lately. Pope Giblets will make the delineation perfectly clear: God owns your Church AND your State, and Pope Giblets controls God with his super-God-control Pope hat! Pope Giblets will make this clear on his first official Holy Pantsing of the President.

On Wars: The Pope hasn't declared a decent holy war in ages. What fun is that! Giblets will declare two a year every year to make up for lost time. Let the holy blood flow in rivers! First up: Denmark. Their deliciously buttery cookies are an offense to Jesus.

On Hats: The old Pope is too old to wear the sacred Pope hat: it is too mighty and would crush his feeble brain. What is the use of a Pope-hatless Pope! None, that is what. Giblets will wear the Pope hat everywhere: to breakfast, to pants the President, to the ensquashification of Denmark. Giblets will totally work that Pope hat.

Some will call Giblets a "controversial choice" what with his radical views and his not being Catholic. But Giblets will eat those people and add them to his own considerable power.


posted by Giblets at 3:21 PM



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