Thursday, February 3, 2005

The state of the internet is strong an feisty! It's bigger an better an quicker than ever an can skeletonize a buffalo in under sixteen seconds! But be careful: the internet can be dangerous. If the internet starts walkin up to you with its ears down makin growlin noises please back away from it slowly an find a grownup or a Communications Decency Act right away.

The internet has done so much in the last year! This year brought us the Blog Revolution, which wasn't that big but moved so fast it went from Blog Bastille Day to the Blog Reign of Terror to the Blog Buncha Ol Fat Guys Talkin About Blog Bastille Day in like a week! The internet has executed all mainstream television news personalities and replaced them with what the people really want to see: scrolling columns of text linking to other scrolling columns of text!

But the internet's work isn't over. Now that the net has replaced the news it is time for it to replace reality! Old reality is borin an slow an analog. New reality will be faster an newer an have more spyware! When you go to work you will work with a handy comment board with lotsa helpful self-correcting tips an job advice like "why dont you work more" an "demoRATS love saddam" an "SHRUBYA = DUMBYA" an "Buy sex toys here!" When you go for a walk every building you see will have naked teenagers installed for your comfort, safety an convenience which you'll be able to see more of after a routine credit card check! Doors will be "hyperdoors." Roads will be "e-roads"! Not all of them will work an some of em will stop loading while you're in them an the places they take you to may have collapsed before you get there but they will make it faster an easier to buy crap than ever before! Just touch a poster or a billboard or a TV or some floating thing somebody made to look just like your TV an you're ready to go!

Some of you are sayin "Oh but Fafnir what if I don't like gettin infected with adware at the supermarket, can I go back to regular reality." No you can't I am sorry it is gone. "Oh no!" says you. I didn't wanna have to bring this up but we are out of reality. We used it all up over the cast coupla decades an we've been paddin out what's left with pretend reality, but that will only get us so far. We have to turn everythin that's left into the internet. But that's just as well because internet reality is better than regular reality because the internet is more free!

In an internet world you can make up any reality you want! If you don't like what's happening in one part of Internetland you can just hang out in another part where the news is totally different! History and science are very different in different parts of Internetland; settle in the one you like, or build your own. Be careful - different countries in Internetland are hostile to one another. Make sure yours is armed an protected.

If you're feelin lonely there are pretend people everywhere on Internetland you can make friends with! If you're bored there's lots of pretend entertainment, like porn and preventive war! If you've got a crushing loss of purpose an self-worth, there's a ton a crap you can buy!

It will be difficult to do but we will do it for the children, who can grow up in the freedom of a completely pretend universe. We will do it with the help of trusty pretend allies like television and the moon men and our pretend can-do spirit! The internet is becoming better and freer and newer every day and that freedom and newness will spread through the rest of the world like mayonaisse that's been left out a little too long. Thank you and God bless the internet!
posted by fafnir at 1:11 PM



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