Sunday, January 9, 2005

Open your browsers, brothers and sisters. Today's text will be the testimony of Alberto Gonzales. Today's sermon will be on the subject of mercy and justice.

As Brother Gonzales teaches us, our President is a fearsome President: he "does not engage in torture and will not condone torture" - but he could if he wanted to, for it is within his awesome power. He will "honor the Geneva Conventions whenever they apply" - but Brother Gonzales does not know, or cannot tell us, just how often they do not apply, for these are Sacred Mysteries of the Mind of Bush, which is unknowable to ordinary men. Should we stray beyond the mercy afforded by his Presidential Grace, we will find ourselves facing the full force of his almighty wrath, and the legal-yet-undefined interrogation methods which are most certainly not torture.

There are those heathens who rage at the power of the President, asking what right he has to allow our ear canals to be burnt with cigarettes, our genitals to be burned with chemical lights, or our bodies to be stuffed into oil drums. This is the oldest sin: rebellion against the power of the President, which caused Man to become a depraved creature worshiping false idols and believing in intrinsic human rights. And my brothers and sisters, that depravity so disgusts the President that each of us has earned a place in a Gitmo of the heart.

We are dangled over the possibility of indefinite detention and torture like spiders over a flame by the hand of an angry President, and only his mercy and restraint can save us now. It is not that Bush chooses to have us tortured; it is that he chooses, through his awesome and Presidential love, to not have us tortured. Now that is a miracle!

Are you Bush-fearing men and women, my brethren? Does holy terror of the Spirit of the Commander-in-Chief live in your hearts tonight? Behold, the Bush administration stands at the door and knocks, and if any hear its voice, it will kick the door down and have them beaten in Syria.

Let us pray.

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posted by the Medium Lobster at 7:19 PM



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