Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Lately a buncha people have been talkin about the draft, sayin stuff like "Will there be a draft?" an "Which candidate will be more likely to bring back the draft?" an "Why all this fuss about the draft!" an "We will sue you if you keep talkin bout the draft." Well it can be very confusin especially for young voters who tlevision informs me are mush-brained little squishy things who do not know what politics is an never vote unless there is a draft.
Well that's why you have Fafblog! In conjunction with the Defense Department an the Selective Service we have compiled this handy FAQ to educate you on the draft. Learn and Enjoy!
Q: Will there be a draft?
A: Of course not! Don't be silly! Why are you being so silly? There isn't going to be a draft! Ha ha, we are laughing because the idea is soooo silly!
Q: It seems like you're working on updated plans for an emergency draft of medical personnel...
A: Where did you hear that? That's crazy talk from crazy people! Ha ha! Like the president being an alien! Or the president wearing a wire to the debates! Or creating a half-trillion dollar deficit! Ha.
Q: Which presidential candidate will be more likely to bring back the draft?
A: Draft draft Drafty McDraft! Why are you so worried about the draft! There isn't gonna be a draft! The answer is John Kerry.
Q: What if we invade Iran to shut down their nuclear program? Wouldn't we need a draft then?
A: Of course not! There are lots of ways we could invade Iran that don't involve a draft! We could for example involve powerful robots.
Q: What about non-robot, non-draft solutions to the Iranian nuclear program?
A: We could use clever "reverse psychology" by throwing out all our nukes an gettin all our friends to throw out all their nukes an then go "Hey Iran, are you still tryin to make nukes? Man that is so twenty years ago" an then Iran feels all stupid an goes "well we were just usin them for energy purposes" an we go "well that's what everybody says" an just to prove they're cool Iran throws out their nukes! North Korea too we bet!
Q: I'm feeling less than reassured here.
A: Or we could invade Iraq all over again! The second time we do it, it could really show Iran we mean business and that they should become a liberal democracy right away!
A: Or we could sneak in overnight an hide their nuclear program under a real big tarp!
Q: The military is increasingly overstretched. How can we maintain order in an increasingly chaotic Iraq - much less keep up with President Bush's state-based approach to fighting terror - without dramatically increasing the size of the military? And won't that require a draft?
A: Of course not! Our military is just fine.
Q: National reserve and guard units are being deployed in Iraq. Stop-loss orders are being used to hold military units there for longer and longer periods of time. How can we keep doing this without a draft?
A: The military is like a muscle that needs to be flexed with the exercise of invasion. Longer, more grueling fighting for more troops makes the muscle stronger!
Q: We're currently so short of troops that the Pentagon is sending its training units into combat in Iraq. That isn't a sign of desperation? Phil Carter says this is like "eating your own seed corn."
A: But what he won't tell you is that seed corn is the most delicious corn of all! And filling, too!
Q: But... troop levels...
A: Just look at this tasty, tasty corn! Smeared with hot delicious melted butter! We got enough to stuff ourselves crazy today! C'mon, sit down an have a bite!
Q: Well... maybe just a little...
Q: Is there an elephant in this room?
A: Of course not! How could we miss an elephant in the room? That's so crazy! You've been listening to crazy rumors about crazy elephants on the crazy internet, that's what we think.
Q: Then what's that huge gray animal in the corner with the large flappy ears and prehensile trunk surrounded by heaps of elephant feed, elephant dung, and a sign reading "Do Not Touch The Elephant"?
A: That is an armadillo.
Q: An armadillo?
A: Armadillos can grow pretty big in the wild. You're probably used to seein the American armadillo, sometimes called the midget armadillo, which only grows to be about yea big. This is the African armadillo which keeps growin for most of its life.
Q: Well, it looks like an elephant.
A: Don't be silly! It's an armadillo! Here, look at this picture of an armadillo. Does that look like an elephant?
Q: That's a picture of an armadillo! It looks nothing like an elephant!
A: Well there you go! Now we're gonna go right over here an feed some elephant food to this armadillo.
posted by fafnir at 7:16 PM