Tuesday, August 31, 2004

A Fafblog Guide

So it is Republican National Conventiontime an there are all these funny people in your town all of a sudden. They do not look like you. They do not act like you. They may dress in more cow-an-flag-themed apparel than you are accustomed to. Do not panic! They are not invaders or zombies (if they are please consult the Fafblog guide So Your City Is Full Of Zombies!). They are Republicans an they are jus like you an me! Take a minute an get to know your new Republican neighbors with Fafblog!

  • Approaching Your Republican! Do not be scared or nervous when you see a Republican. He is much more scared of you than you are of him! Communicate with large friendly motions an giant puppets. Your Republican will see you are not a threat an should relax momentarily. Then you can earn his trust with an offering of food like pickles or nuts or baby's blood!
  • Communication! Stick to common interests to establish a rapport with your Republican. Suggested topics include Rudi Giuliani, the enjoyability or non-enjoyability of weather, an the usefulness of food an oxygen. Do not stray from these topics! You may startle your Republican. Remember that in the wild you are natural enemies an you would have already torn each others' carapaces with your hunting fangs.
  • Cultural Bondin! Show your Republican that your home an culture are nothin to be afraid of. Take him to the park or to a Yankees game! Remember to bring lots of umbrellas an sunscreen because your Republican is not used to the harsh light of open nature. He has been raised in dark squalid caves filled with toxic poisons where he hunts bats an small elves for sustenance. Do not take your Republican to a museum! He comes from a "Red State" where all art is banned an has been replaced by very large engines eternally pumpin greenhouse gases into the atmosphere for no reason whatsoever. Exposure to the culture shock of an art installation or even a sidewalk painter could cause him to choke on the industrial waste that flows through his body in place of blood.
  • Acceptance an Relaxation! Republicans are people just like you an me even though our worlds are completely separated by impenetrable cultural differences an the genetic drift caused by Martian-Human interbreeding. Relax an enjoy your new Republican friend!
  • posted by fafnir at 5:52 PM



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