Thursday, August 5, 2004

"Whatever happened to Benjamin Healy, honest ol tricky ol Benjamin Healy who sold hats to the headless an converted the footless an befriended the friendless, the oppressed an the short throughout the land?" says me.
"They say he flew around the world in a contraption made a geese feathers an elevator parts an a monorail from the world's fair!" says Giblets.
"An on the way he gave presents to all the good little boys an girls," says me, "which is how the story of Jesus came to be."
"They say when two old women came up to him both claimin to be the mother of a child, ol' Ben Healy said 'We shall cut the child in half' an so they did," says Giblets.
"An each half of the child grew into another whole child!" says me.
"An amazin man, that ol Ben Healy," says Giblets.
"They say in court ol Benjamin Healy defended the soul of a duck what had sold its soul to the devil himself," says me. "An his oratory was so stirrin an his voice so patriotic that the jury absolved the bird of his pact with Satan an made him a representative in the United States Congress!"
"An those duck's tears went on to form the Cuyahoga River," says Giblets.
"They say the devil got so angry he came after ol Benjamin Healy to cheat him outta his soul," says me. "His soul which was delicious an smelled like a fresh-baked pie."
"An that was back in the days when the devil was made of machines," says Giblets. "Steel-drivin automatic-loggin machines that took people's jobs AND their souls."
"Devil's no fan of the workin man," says me.
"An they say ol Benjamin Healy beat the devil at cards an chess an Cheese or Weevil an he said 'Ol Devil if you really are the devil you'll turn yourself into a line of overpriced yet reasonably comfortable athletic footwear' an the devil not bein one to run from a challenge did jus that," says Giblets.
"An ol Ben Healy boxed up the devil an distributed him to millions of eager consumers around the world," says me. "Which is where we get the Nike Swoosh."
"Organized sports were transformed forever," says Giblets.
"Whatever happened to Serge Garcia, fearsome an terrible Serge Garcia who strode the mountains an fought with the savage woodsy men an ruled the piney trees?" says me.
"They say he could skin an eat an army of Vikings in one go an still have room left over for their boats," says Giblets. "For their army of boats."
"They say he could could crush an elephant in one hand but lived at peace with the tiniest creatures of the forest," says me.
"Cept when he was crushin em in one hand to show people how he could crush em in one hand," says Giblets.
"They say no mortal woman was enough for him so he made one himself outta whiskey an liquors an ale," says me. "An he loved her like a lumberjack made of eating loves a woman made of ham."
"An then one day he was like 'I'm real thirsty' an he drank her an she was gone," says Giblets.
"An he cried real sad an he roamed the land an he ate a whole live buffalo," says me.
"They say he tore a bear in half or a tiger or a moose or a goat," says Giblets, "so enraged with sadness was he at the sea for the loss of his whiskey-bride."
"They say he roamed the northern woods like the sasquatch or among the sasquatch or become the sasquatch," says me.
"Only the Navajo know an they sing of his legend in their old old songs," says Giblets.
"Their old old songs which live on in the early studio recordings of the band Foreigner," says me.
"'Jukebox Hero' was later covered by Soul Asylum for reasons that remain largely a mystery," says Giblets.
"A mystery like the legends of Serge Garcia an Benjamin Healy," says me.
"A mystery indeed," says Giblets.


posted by fafnir at 3:26 PM

Still one of the greatest things I've ever read. Ever.
didn't somebody record this as a song?
Jeff Coleman's musical version is still available to the serious seeker, it turns out. It's 3:58 long, and ends with "The devil's no fan of the working man."


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