Monday, January 19, 2004

Last night I happened to pick up a stray signal from a lost and weary soul in need of a desperate question answered. And of course, answering the questions of desperate souls is what the Medium Lobster does best. This lost and weary soul was to be found, surprisingly, on television, on a CNN special report on the impending death of the Democratic Party. The damning evidence of this report? The current crop of Democrats have lost the vote of a Southern Democrat.

"I like Bush," said the Southern Democrat, who, to avoid stereotyping, we shall refer to as Buford McSouthenshucky. "I like that he talks about scripture." Indeed, it is the President's scripture-talking-about skills which have already won him his stature as a foreign policy leader, most notably when he captured Osama bin Laden and dismantled the al Qaeda network by quoting from the Psalms in a speech delivered at West Point. But it's not just what the Democrats aren't saying that bothers Buford - it's what they are saying, too.

Responding to Wesley Clark's and Howard Dean's calls for civil unions, Mr McSouthenshucky says, "Do they even believe what they're saying when they go home at night?" Of course they don't, Mr McSouthenshucky. Who would? But they are politicians - corrupt, Democratic politicians yoked to the special interest powerhouse that is Big Gay - and so they profess to deny what every American has come to know: that gay marriage will corrupt and destroy the divine institute of Marriage at an existential level. Because it is controlled by an octopus from God.

As all higher entities such as the Medium Lobster know - and as all God-fearing patriots sense by instinct - each time a man and a woman are married, they are touched on a higher plane of reality by one of the tentacles of God's immense Octopus of Marriage, housed in Heaven, whose countless tentacles stretch out to embrace everyone else joined in the divine institute of Marriage. However, if gays begin to be married in America, the Octopus of Marriage will stretch down - unwittingly! - and touch its tentacle to their marriage as well... and in doing so, will be tainted by Gay.

From there, this disaster leads to apocalyptic proportions, for once the Octopus of Marriage is itself corrupted with Gay, the corruption will spread through every marriage in America - tainting every happily married straight couple from Joe and Hadassah Lieberman to Newt and Marianne Gingrich with Gay. The epidemic of Gay would inevitably lead to the extinction of the human race, as well as the fatal corruption and death of the Octopus of Marriage, which in turn would cause a lethal wave of Gay to spread through the Celestial Empyrean itself.

In the face of this possible disaster - and the theological cataclysm that would surely follow it - all Mr McSouthenshucky wants to know is that someone understands the nightmare that the American Left is trying to force upon the universe. Yes, Mr McSouthenshucky. The Medium Lobster understands.

Next week we'll answer mail from a Mr Charles Pickering, who looks up into the stars at night and wonders how a kind and gentle God can exist in a world that punishes cross-burners.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 10:33 AM



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