Sunday, December 14, 2003

There's been much talk of Democratic Presidential candidate Howard Dean, especially since he won the endorsement of Al Gore last week. Is Dean an electable candidate, a suitable challenger to George W. Bush, or will his darkly radical agenda ensure that his nomination will plunge the Democratic Party into a stygian abyss from which they may never recover?

So much speculation - so few answers. For those speculating are merely human, with merely human perception. But not so for... the Medium Lobster, whose range of awareness stretches far beyond the reaches of what you call "the infinite." Come with me, and partake in but a fraction of the vast transtemporal knowledge that lies outside your understanding, as we gaze through the Lobsterscope into the potential future of...

...NOMINEE DEAN! While Dean's radical positions on gun control, balanced budgets, and school lunch programs have already marked him as the bleeding edge of the lunatic fringe, it will not be until he seizes the nomination that his madness is truly revealed. Dean's policy stances and statements will increasingly reveal a disturbing streak of extremism - one that pushes a terrified America away from him into the waiting arms of the Republicans.

Dean's new universal health care plan is met with universal horror when he reveals his intentions to nationalize America's drug industry and draft all doctors into a "Red Corps" of medics forced to provide free health care to all Americans. How does the "fiscal conservative" plan to pay for it all? By legalizing heroin - and peddling the drug on the streets as a state-controlled narcotic! When asked how he would overcome resistance to such a radical proposal, Dean replies, "My opponents blood will pave the way for the permanent revolution."

Dean's position on gay marriage makes the candidate even more contentious, as, when asked about his stance, the chosen face of the Democratic Party responds by staring deeply into a live CNN camera and saying, "As President, I will not rest until every man, women, and child in America is gay. Every single one."

In the Bush-Dean debates, Dean manages to outdo previous debate disasters Nixon and Dukakis when he lets slip yet another fatal gaffe: when asked what he would have done as President in the days following September 11th, Dean replies, "Surrender to the terrorists, hand over Israel to the Taliban, and enact the forcible conversion of all Americans to the one true religion of Islam, for there is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is his prophet."

The Republican landslide in 2004 is so devastating that the Republicans win every seat in
contention in the House and the Senate, rendering the Democrats utterly powerless. The GOP, meanwhile, becomes so strongly entrenched that they confidently run as their candidate in 2008 a bizarre genetic chimera of Joseph McCarthy, Ronald Reagan, and Adolph Hitler, under the campaign slogan, "The McCarthy/Reagan/Hitler Chimera: He's No Liberal!" The Democrats, forced to run the delicately-preserved corpse of Robert Byrd, are crushed, and officially disband as a party in 2010, leaving the American Nazi Party to present itself as the only serious second-party challenger to the Republican stronghold.

Looking on sadly, the prescient few who warned of the Dean Disaster - well-meaning crypto-liberals such as William Safire and Karl Rove - brush away tears and ask themselves, "What would have happened if the party had nominated someone strong? Someone who could have made a challenge, and provided real leadership for America and the Democratic Party - someone like Joseph Lieberman? Would the poll taxes not have returned then? Would we have avoided the Patriotic Scouring? Would the world - dare we dream - be a better place?"

Ah, but the hour grows late, I fear, and those are stories for another time.
posted by the Medium Lobster at 11:59 AM



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