Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Run for your lives - America is under attack! Just days ago three prisoners at Guantanamo Bay committed suicide in a savage assault on America's freedom to not care about prisoner suicides! Oh sure, the "Blame Atrocities First" crowd will tell you these prisoners were "driven to despair," that they "had no rights," that they were "held and tortured without due process or judicial oversight in a nightmarish mockery of justice." But what they won't tell you is that they only committed suicide as part of a diabolical ruse to trick the world into thinking our secret torture camp is the kind of secret torture camp that drives its prisoners to commit suicide! This fiendish attempt to slander the great American institution of the gulag is nothing less than an act of asymmetrical warfare against the United States - a noose is just a suicide bomb with a very small blast radius, people! - and when faced with a terrorist attack, America must respond. Giblets demands immediate retaliatory airstrikes on depressed Muslim torture victims throughout the mideast!

"Oh but Giblets there are dozens of innocent prisoners in Guantanamo" you say because you are a namby-pamby appeasenik who suckles at the teat of terror. Well if these Guantanamo prisoners are so innocent then what are they doing in Guantanamo? Sneaking into our secret military prisons as part of an elaborate plot to make it look like we're holding them in our secret military prisons, that's what! And once they get there they can chain themselves to the floor, break their bones on helpless guards' fists, and waterboard themselves to their heart's content to further their sinister Salafi scheme to sully the reputation of secret American torture facilities everywhere!

And that's just the tip of the iceberg! Even as we speak the forces of Islamanazism are infiltrating our network of classified CIA prison camps, rendering themselves to third world dictatorships, and launching unprovoked assaults on innocent American bullets! There's only one thing to do with all these malicious prisoners, torture victims, and massacred civilians - and that's to imprison, torture and massacre them before they can mount another attack! Yes it will be difficult, but these people want to destroy our very way of life - our obliviously violent, guilt-free way of life. Let's roll!
posted by Giblets at 6:23 PM
Tuesday, June 6, 2006

"Albatross or not albatross?" says me.
"Hmmm... albatross!" says Giblets.
We reach in the ol cardboard box an pull out a rusty coke can. "Not albatross!" says me.
"This is stupid!" says Giblets. "Albatross Or Not Albatross is the lamest game ever!"
"Now to be fair it was a lot more excitin back before we ran outta albatrosses," says me.
"Nuts to the albatross! We've run out of everything!" says Giblets. "Where's the water and the oil and those monkeys the Pentagon trained to ride unicycles and smoke cigars!"
"Well we ran outta mosta that stuff back when the world ended," says me. "We already traded our last monkey to the zombies for a can a Zom-B-Gone that's doesn't even keep away zombies."
"The world hasn't ended!" says Giblets eatin our last piece a world. "It just happens to be going through a naturally-recurring cycle of world and not-world!"
"I dunno Giblets," says me. "The scientific consensus on the world seems to be that world-endification is caused by human activity like burnin fossil fuels an deforestation an that time we blew up the world."
"The world was a grave and gathering threat!" says Giblets. "There was no peaceful way to contain its mounting arsenal of earthquakes, hurricanes and foreigners."
"I always used to figure God would show up at the end a the world an beam me up to Raptureland in his magical funk-powered mothership," says me. "But that was before he got eaten by Supergod."
"Serves him right!" says Giblets. "If God wanted to go to heaven he should've accepted Metajesus as his personal lord and savior."
"Even then he'd still have to get past the height requirement," says me. "The sign on the big cardboard clown very clearly read 'you must be this tall to ride the afterlife'."
"Everybody under six thousand feet has to go to Kiddie Heaven," says Giblets.
"Also known as Everybody Hell," says me.
"Well good riddance!" says Giblets. "What did the world ever do for Giblets? It was old and fat and smelled like smelling!"
"We'll make a new world outta bootstraps an elbow grease an the power of imagination!" says me.
"On the first day Giblets will create man in his own image!" says Giblets. "On the second day man will ignore Giblets to revel in his own Gibletsiosity. On the third day Giblets will smite man for his insolence! On the fourth day Giblets will get all sad and eat a whole thing of cookie dough."
"And that's just the beginning!" says me. "In the new universe nobody's gettin hassled by The Man's gravity anymore! If you wanna fall sideways for a while that's your right as an American."
"In the new universe all our most time-consuming tasks will be performed by super-efficient helper robots - including the construction of our super-efficient helper robots!" says Giblets. "They will then build lower-class worker robots to do their work for them, who will outsource their labor to cheap, third-world sweatshop robots, who will fill their factories with legions of trained indentured gerbils, who will ultimately enslave a species of weevil."
"But when the weevil revolution comes we'll be in the clear cause we'll already be conquered by the robots," says me.
"In the new universe war will be replaced by a convenient, family-friendly game of Hungry Hungry Hippos," says Giblets.
"First thing you do is you feed both sides’ presidents to a coupla hippos," says me. "The hippo who eats the most president wins three permanent military bases and an oil contract!"
"Everybody wins in our bold new tomorrow!" says Giblets.
"Until we blow it up again next week," says me.
"And the wheel of life rolls on," says Giblets.


posted by fafnir at 2:29 PM

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posted by fafnir at 12:03 PM

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