Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Humanitarians of the Year

Freedom! If there's one thing America loves, it's... well, war. But if there's two things America loves, it's war and torture. But if there's three things America loves, it's war, torture, and genocide. But if there are several dozen things America loves, they are war, torture, genocide, chattel slavery, apartheid, ethnic cleansing, assassination, poverty, institutionalized bribery, remote-controlled flying death robots and somewhere down the list, between prison labor and lagoons of toxic pig shit, there is almost certainly a special place in our national heart for freedom.

And so it is that the United States is fighting to free the Libyan people from the Libyan people by killing the Libyan people. The situation is fairly straightforward, after all - Libya faces a humanitarian crisis, and the only way to address a humanitarian crisis is to bomb it with hundreds of cruise missiles. I'm told that the Red Cross still delivers bottled water and medical supplies by duct-taping them to the nose cone of an outgoing Tomahawk. More importantly, the Libyan people are oppressed by a bloodthirsty dictator - a dictator who kills his own people - and the least we can do is kill those people ourselves. How, I ask, can we stand idly by and allow people to be slaughtered by a ruthless tyrant when we could be slaughtering them instead?

You may ask, what makes getting killed by the United States any better than getting killed by Qaddafi? Because we are America, killing for a great American cause, in the name of Americanness, and our murder victims, in their last moments, as their houses are burnt and their schools destroyed and their neighbors incinerated and their families turned into hamburger, will come to know our American values: of freedom, of liberty, of toxic pig shit.

48 comments:

  1. i love the smell of peopleburgers in the morning.

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  2. I miss pie blogging; can it not be four and twenty people baked in a pie?

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  3. Pie-blogging this, pie-blogging that. We're out of pie! Eat your goddamn war!

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  4. If you don't eat your war you can't have any pie. How can you have any pie if you don't eat your war?

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  5. This is the best blog yet on the subject.

    (Except for the one fish is going to write, in the past.)
    ~

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  6. just looked at Der Spiegel's 'kill team' photos from Afghanistan. checked fafblog in hope of feeling a little better. the phrase "toxic pig shit" really helps.

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  7. Weniger GottquatschMarch 23, 2011 5:42 PM

    Price of oil is being driven up by Operation Intervention in Lybia. Raytheon is wallowing in Tomahawk missile money. War is good 4 bizne$$.

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  8. Posts like this are why I still eagerly anticipate each Fafblog post, no matter how long the wait between them.

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  9. Do not underestimate the sacrifices Americans are willing to make for humanitarianism. Just the 120 cruise missiles that were fired the first day cost 120 million dollars. But Americans are willing to starve our own children and let our elders freeze to death to pay for those missiles. Just to bring the No Flies a chance to live in freedom. We know No Flies are freest where there are no people, so blowing up all the people is obviously the best way to make a No Fly zone.

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  10. Among the things this eleventh-generation American loves are apple pie, comfortable shoes, and a suitable place to read an interesting and informative book.

    And Fafblog!

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  11. Tourtiere - French Canadian Pork Pie

    The following is from our friend Jim Cummings, of Quilter's Muse Publications, Concord, NH.

    With best wishes,
    Fannie Farmer (Mrs.)


    The way I remember tourtiere is the way my grandfather, Romeo Morin, cooked it. To begin with a quote from Daily Life In Early Canada:

    In France the tourtiere pie-dish was a kitchen utensil for cooking pigeon and other birds. The contents of the dish were known as ‘piece tourtiere’ and during the first years in New France these distinctive words were used. Over the years the word ‘tourtiere’ came to mean a pate of fowl or game cooked and seasoned according to a special household recipe in the family stew pan, for into it went not merely turtle-doves but every kind of edible bird. Every housewife possessed her own secret recipe, jealously preserved from generation to generation. It was in this way that some venturesome housewives began to prepare ‘pieces tou-tieres’ not only with birds but with the meat of both wild and domestic animals. Such recipes held additional appeal since they provided more filling and sustaining meals.

    In more modern times the recipes generally get away from game and use pork as the primary meat. The pig was a very important animal on the subsistence Quebec farm. Some recipes call for a mixture of pork and ground beef or ground veal. Most call for some combination of allspice, cinnamon, cloves or nutmeg as well as garlic or onion. Some use an addition of bread crumbs or potatoes, some are thick and some are more liquid with the addition of boiling water to the browned, spiced meat.

    This was often served traditionally as part of the Christmas celebration, often the family would have this when they returned from Midnight Mass. In my family my grandparents would cook a large roast pork dinner the Sunday before Christmas and the leftover pork and mashed potatoes would go into the pie along with some onions and salt and pepper. My grandfather never used any other spices. This would be served hot on Christmas Eve with either leftover gravy or with butter. My brother Dave used to eat his with ketchup. He was considered a philistine.

    Romeo Morin’s TOURTIERE

    Chop up leftover roast pork and mix it with some leftover mashed potatoes. Chop one onion, brown it in butter, and add to the mix. Add salt and pepper, to taste. Put this in the bottom crust and cover with the top crust. Cut some slits in the top, and bake in a 350º oven for 50-60 minutes, until brown.

    Alternatively, you can brown some ground pork, drain the fat and use that as a meat, and that is just as good. Recently, I have sprinkled a bit of Allspice in the mix, and added a little bit of minced garlic.

    TOURTIERE of Chef Louis Baltera, Chateau Frontenac, Quebec

    For another version, which seems to be true to most of the tourtiere that I have had in restaurants: Put about 2 lbs. of ground pork in a large pan and brown. Then, drain the fat.

    Add 1 cup of water
    ¼ tsp. nutmeg
    ¼ tsp. allspice
    1 tsp. salt
    ½ cup chopped onion
    ¼ tsp. pepper

    Simmer for ½ hour, stirring often. Remove from heat, and add 3 cups bread crumbs. Mix well and allow to cool. Put it into the pie crust and top with a crust. Bake 30 minutes in a 425º oven.

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  12. Let them eat war! All hail fafblog! (except giblets, that weirdo is always staring at me funny)

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  13. So long as the majority of Americans are happy to choose continual sleep in the form of big trucks and 600-channel cable teevee, whatever President Boner and President Pawlenty and Grand TurtleBear Bachmann do to the country will be just fine. Plus, more tax cuts for the rich!

    The rest of us will eat Whale and Pigeon Pie:

    1 Whale
    1 Pigeon
    62,000 Gal. water
    ¼ tsp. nutmeg
    ¼ tsp. allspice
    1 tsp. salt
    ½ cup chopped onion
    ¼ tsp. pepper

    Simmer at 600 degrees for 52 hours. Lower heat, and remove the "Tasty Parts" and stuff into pie and top with crust. Serves the bottom 80% of the population -- may be served if spoiled; they're peasants; who cares.

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  14. Just remember kids, when you grow up and get to be real army men never ever kill people for fun.

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  15. It's not just that this post is stupid - that goes without saying.

    It is that it is *wilfully* stupid. The author made an explicit and quite forceful effort to make himself type the stupidest things possible while remaining vaguely on-topic.

    It is quite remarkable, really.

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  16. Okra Tofu Pie think Anonymous is bravest little toaster of all. Okra Tofu Pie also think toast quite remarkable, too.

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  17. War is bad.
    But.
    War makes Fafblog come out to play.
    Damn it.
    Fafblog makes me <3 War.

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  18. It is quite remarkable, really.

    It is. It is remarkable. It is alliterative, tuneful, and has a beat you can dance to.

    It brightened the countenance of a youth who read it, and presented its readers with truth behind the truthiness that we are immersed in, here in That America.

    willfully stupid, my Doggy ass.

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  19. moose n squirrelMarch 24, 2011 11:43 PM

    President Boner and President Pawlenty and Grand TurtleBear Bachmann

    That's a mighty funny way to spell "Obama," sir.

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  20. Hopey, the Eighth DwarfMarch 25, 2011 1:00 AM

    Gosh, remember back when popular blogs liked making jokes about Hillary Clinton being the candidate of endless war? Good times, good times!

    Good thing we didn't elect that bloodthirsty bitch, huh?

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  21. Its like imperialism never died and the west is invading everywhere. well like as in it is.

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  22. We have never been a popular blog.

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  23. Gosh, remember back when Fafblog said that you should vote for Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton, because one was so clearly superior to the other?

    No?

    No, me neither.

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  24. this is the best blog.

    what is popularity?

    just as we wouldn't have had Iraq if Algore had been president, so too would we not have had Libya had Clinton been president. lol. it's fun to think about things that didn't happen! sooo beautiful and peaceful!

    i blame voters. those voting fucks! this whole fucking thing!

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  25. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

    speaking of things to eat, Okra Tofu Pie talks of "toast" - at the supermarket yesterday I saw, in the crackers area, "toast" imported from Brazil - really - the picture looked like Melba toast, thin, rectangular and about the size of a regular loaf of bread - this was just a regular middle-class supermarket, not one of these high-priced gourmet shops

    and speaking of previous comments, Mrs. F. brings up the Quebecker pork pie "tourtiere", which is an anagram of "i.e. torture"

    and speaking of toxic pig shit, it's like mob money - all in a pile, it stinks, but spread it around enough and it makes flowers grow

    life is like a beanstalk, isn't it?

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  26. If there is one thing america loves it's itself, i.e. everything america asserts about itself, as seen on tv.

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  27. That's a mighty funny way to spell "Obama," sir.

    Not at all! I call him "The President" -- but then, that's who lives in the White House * . But -- point taken.

    (* "Lil' Boots" Bush was appointed, an aberration, and "what we deserved".)

    I freely admit: I worked hard for Mr. Obama's election, have been badly disappointed since January, 2009. Call me naive; I wanted to Believe.

    Still want to.

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  28. Preznit Obama is not at all for war and torture and pig shit and preznitdential dictatorship and slavery-- just build a time machine and ask him in 2008. You'll see.

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  29. If that nice Democrat who ran in 2008 had been elected none of this would be happening. I blame the Nader voters.

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  30. We didn't $elect HHHillary? News to me! Somebody better tell Larry Summers!

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  31. aa -- hahahahahahahahahaha

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  32. This is the best blog. If you suddenly became popular, my trust in you would waver.

    Didn't Oscar Wilde say something like that? Or was it Twain?

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  33. Nag, nag, nag. Everyone knows it takes more Muslim eggs to make an omelette, 'cause they're smaller than Christian eggs.
    And oil. Plenty of oil.

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  34. some people it is the way they look forward to the Americans. But it's not true, all I've known that American is reverse to that negative sides.

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  35. I look forward to Americans. I look behind, and there are more Americans. To the Left of me; to the Right of me; more Americans. They fly overhead. And I understand they have places under the ground.

    I'm pretty much okay with the ones on the Left, but otherwise, I'm surrounded.

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  36. Analysis doesn't get any better than this!

    Spot-on, fafblog.

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  37. Aha. We wanted tourtiere, but 'cuz we left the job up to the filthy rich, we got torture. It's all so clear now! The sons, and daughters - but especially the sons, of privilege are totally worthless for any task more complicated than conspicuous consumption or, you know, blaming an underling for their own incompetence. So why did we let them run the banks and the country? We must a been blinded by consumerist envy. We thought, "Well, if they're so rich, they oughta be smart..." 'Cuz, we thought, "...if we was smarter, we'd be rich." But really there's not much class mobility in America so, 'cept for a couple statistical abberrations, if you wanta get rich you better get born rich. An bein born rich means never havin to know you was wrong. An never knowin when you're wrong means never learning to do anything right.

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  38. Pie Science InstituteMarch 30, 2011 3:05 AM

    TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES

    Take a Pig, three or four years of age, and tie him by the off-hind leg to a post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and six bushels of turnips, within his reach; if he eats these, constantly provide him with more.

    Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, four quires of foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste, and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown water- proof linen.

    When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the Pig violently, with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.

    Visit the paste and beat the Pig alternately for some days, and ascertain if at the end of that period the whole is about to turn into Gosky Patties.

    If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the Pig may be let loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.

    Nonsense Cookery
    Edward Lear (1812-1888)

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  39. It's certainly about time we get a toehold in Africa.

    http://atimes.com/atimes/Middle_East/MC31Ak02.html

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  40. Weniger GottquatschMarch 31, 2011 5:10 PM

    Alas, the well-informed Juan Cole has joined the cruise-missile liberals, providing ingenious arguments for the genocide of Libyans.

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  41. In my mind's eye, I visualize another posting soon here at Fafblog! In general outline, it might be a whimsical Menippean dialog between Giblets and Fafnir touching on topics such as power generation, the benefits of radiation, etc.

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  42. War hasn't really been fun since the whole jawbone-of-an-ass era but the dawning age of personal pocketsized self-defense hovercraft drones with FLIR and chirpy Angry Birds personas that smacktalk by Twitter is almost upon us and that's where it gets really exciting.

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  43. I say, let's return to the exciting days of yesteryear! America has a surfeit of Asses, and using their jawbones might lower both the volume and icky tenor of our Publik Debate.

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  44. Along the coastal plains of the southeastern US, there is such an abudance of toxic pig shit, that the lagoons are overflowing with these riches. There is a moral obligation to provide humanitarian aid to the Lybian people in the form of toxic pig shit! This will allow them to establish a vibrant bloom of heterotrophic dinoflagellates for their reservoirs. The applications are endless.

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  45. There is a moral obligation to provide humanitarian aid to the Lybian people in the form of toxic pig shit!

    Larry Summers approved!

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  46. Hello; I'm Larry Summers (Now With 50% More Jowls!)™, and I approved this toxic pig shit, as seen on teevee.

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  47. HAPPY EASTER, FAFBLOG!


    "You are the best. You are the worst. You are average. Your love is a part of you. You try to give it away because you cannot bear its radiance, but you cannot separate it from yourself. To understand your fellow humans, you must understand why you give them your love. You must realize that hate is but a crime-ridden subdivision of love. You must reclaim what you never lost. You must take leave of your sanity, and yet be fully responsible for your actions." -Gnarls Barkley, in a letter to the legendary rock critic Lester Bangs

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  48. Maybe that's really the idea of some opportunists in the world.

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