White House Job Application

So I'm applyin for a job at the White House but some a the questions on the application are pretty confusin. I was hopin maybe you guys could help me figure em out.
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Have you ever committed a felony?
__Yes    __No

If yes, what kind of felony?
__Little white felony    __Itsy bitsy teensy treason    __"Fair game"

Have you ever committed, authorized, or encouraged the commission of an atrocity?
__Yes    __No

If yes, what kind of atrocity?
__Torture with rice pilaf    __Summary execution with cobb salad
__Unjustified invasion and occupation with mushroom quiche

If no, how should atrocities like that be punished?
__Check minus    __No nickname for a week    __Cabinet appointment

Why do you want to work at the White House? (check all that apply)
__Lobbyist connections    __Oil industry connections
__Job security    __Heritage Foundation/Inertia
__Viceroyalty of choice in New SyrRanian Freedomstan
__Get to finally wipe out that bastard whooping crane
__Chance to vigorously rub the president's head to pick up second-hand, static-charge omnipotence

ESSAY PORTION:

1. What qualities and characteristics do you think make the ideal White House employee? Answer using no more than six letters, a hand gesture, and the doodling space in the margins.

2. When is it appropriate to fire a White House employee? (Note: trick question.)

Political party:
__George W. Bush    __Other (please explain)