America: Not As Bad As Gulags

The other day Senator Sick Durbin compared the kind of torture that happens in Guantanamo Bay to torture "done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime — Pol Pot or others — that had no concern for human beings... the type of thing you would expect from a repressive regime. This is not the type of thing you would expect from the United States." Well the White House wants you to know it's all crazy talk! There's just no way Guantanamo Bay is as bad as the Soviets or Pol Pot. Those guys were really really bad! But that's not all! There's a whole lot of other people America isn't as bad as. Let's take a look!

Hitler
How many times has the US tried to wipe out the Jews or started World War II? None - which is more than Hitler can say. Hitler killed ten million innocent people in camps over the 1930s and 40s. America has only killed about a hundred innocent people in prison camps over three years. At this rate it'll take the US thirty thousand years to beat Hitler's record. Hitler isn't too impressed with America's badness, I can tell you that.

Depending on state law it is either illegal or mandatory to compare other bad people to Hitler on the internet. He's just that bad.

Satan
Satan is wanted for billions of crimes committed over the last ten thousand years including:

inventing evil

spreading pestilence

running an unlicensed unregulated and possibly illegal soul-purchasing market

poking fellow demons with pitchforks and laughing not out of a roughhousing camaraderie but out of a delight in the suffering of others

appearing regularly on shoulders during key decision-making processes

tricking David Berkowitz into killing people while cleverly disguised as a dog

manifesting his infernal presence in the form of a delightfully comic performance by George Burns

Well the US government sure isn't as bad as Satan! How come Senator Durbin isn't denouncin Satan on the Senate floor? On accounta the partisan politics. For shame Senator Durbin. For shame.

Galactus, Eater of Worlds:
He eats whole worlds - with people on em an everything! Where would you be if Galactus ate your world? Nowhere that's where - or just floatin in space feelin real sad on accounta you don't got a world. How many worlds has the US ever eaten? Maybe, yknow, like one. Well that's nothin for Galactus... he eats worlds all the time. "So delicious Fafnir," says Galactus. "Mighty Galactus cannot devour just one." As of this writing Amnesty International remains completely silent on the issue of Galactus.