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Saturday, October 31, 2009
What are you doing sitting there! It's Halloween! Run out into the woods and go to Devil-Church! Labels: jollity
posted by fafnir at 3:18 PM
Friday, October 9, 2009
Obama Wins 2009 Nobel Peace Prize
At Least 80 Killed as US Drones Attack South Waziristan Funeral Procession In other news, the Nobel Prize for Literature was awarded to a man who set fire to a library and then promised to write a book about it. Labels: hope change and cluster bombs, reductio creep, running the world, warnography
posted by the Medium Lobster at 9:46 AM
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Q: Is Iran a threat?
A: Oh yes. Even as we speak Iran is potentially starting the beginnings of a very possibly quite almost-real hypothetically nuclear weapons program! Q: Oh no! How many nuclear weapons does Iran already have? A: Counting warheads, ICBMs, mid- and long-range missiles, ABMs, tactical nukes, bunker-busters and submarine-based weaponry, the full nuclear arsenal of Iran at this moment is very rapidly just beginning to quite possibly approach a number just short of one! Q: That makes them almost as deadly as the rogue nation of Whoville or the Islamic Republic of Candyland! A: And they could be just months away from an actual bomb! Q: But they've been just months away from a bomb for years now. A: I know! Which means in terror years, Iran already has a bomb... in your child's precious brain! Q: But that's where she keeps her sugarplum dreams! A: That's why it's up to us to already have being stopped them! Q: What will Iran do with nuclear weapons? A: Terrible things. For a start, it will have them. Q: Oh no! A: And once it has them, it can threaten to use them, if anyone else tries to use them on them. Q: There would be no defense against their self-defense. A: They pose an existential threat to our ability to existentially threaten them. Q: Is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a threat? A: Oh, very much so. In fact, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a Madman. Q: We know he is a madman because he hates us, and we know that he hates us because he says bad things about us, and the only reason he would say bad things about us is if he were mad! A: We also know that he has threatened - with his own mouth - to "wipe Israel off the face of the map"! Q: Really? A: Yes! Q: Really? A: No. But only a madman would say something that could be so easily mistranslated to sound like the words of a madman. Q: Does Mahmoud Ahmadinejad actually run Iran? A: No. But wouldn't it be scary if he did? Q: Oooh, yes! And wouldn't it be scary if he were ten feet tall and breathed fire and ate the bones of men? A: And wouldn't it be scary if he were in your house right now? Q: Ohmigod I'd be so scared! Oooh that scary beard, oooh those beady eyes! A: He's comin' to get you! He's in your closet an' he's comin' to get you right now! Q: What should we do with Iran? A. All options are on the table. Q: Should we bomb them? Is bombing them on the table? A: Bombing them must be on the table, because it is an option, and all options are on the table. Q: What about starving them to death with sanctions? Is starving them to death with sanctions on the table? A: In that an option? Because if it is an option, then it must be, as we have mentioned before, on the table. Q: What about bombing their cities and burning their children and raping their livestock and feeding their people to thousands of millions of man-eating ants and piling their skulls into a heaping bonfire on the White House lawn while the President and the Cabinet and the Joint Chiefs of Staff dance naked in circles ejaculating wildly into the flesh-filled smoke? Is that on the table? A: It would be irresponsible for this option not to be on the table, given that all other options, as we have said, are on the table. Q: What about leaving Iran alone? Is that on the table? A: No. That is not on the table, because it is not an option. Q: Are you sure? It looks like an option. A: It may look like an option, but in fact it is the East Tunisian mock option, which over the course of many years has evolved to mimic the distinctive coloring and plumage of the true American option, in order to better evade and intimidate predators. Q: If Mahmoud Ahmadinejad drops a penny off the top of the Empire State Building, will it kill whoever it hits on the ground below? Q: If Mahmoud Ahmadinejad drops a nickel, will he kill five people? If he drops a quarter, will he reestablish the Caliphate? Q: Is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad even now amassing an arsenal of spare change deep within the unsuspecting bowels of New York City, roaming from corner to corner, subway to subway, armed with a stockpile of acoustic guitars, violins, steel drums, rudimentary juggling skills, waiting and watching for the perfect moment to strike? Q: If we say Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's name three times, will the Hidden Imam pop out of our warblog and kill us with his hook hand? Q: Is the Taliban a threat? A: Of course. The Taliban is an ongoing threat to our ongoing mission to eliminate the Taliban. Q: And if we fail to eliminate the Taliban? A: We cannot fail to eliminate the Taliban, as long as the Taliban continues to provide safe havens and training grounds for the Taliban. Q: And the Taliban, of course, offers aid and comfort to the ever-dangerous Taliban. A: Such is the deadly circle of terror. Q: Is Belgium a threat? Q: Is Afghanistan a threat? A: Of course not! We are not at war with the proud and freedom-loving people of Afghanistan. We simply happen to be killing the proud and freedom-loving people of Afghanistan on a regular basis. Q: But we deeply regret killing them, each and every time we kill them. A: And each and every time we plan to kill them, and each and every time we're in the middle of killing them, and each and every time we plan to kill them again. Q: And every time we go to kill them, we of course take every possible precaution we can possible take to avoid killing them, except of course for not actually killing them. A: In a way, you could say that by killing them so conscientiously, we are actually doing them a favor. Q: In a way, you could say that our killing them is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for them. A: In a way, you could say we have a moral responsibility to keep killing them, because if we ever stopped, who knows who might kill them then? Q: They might be killed by other, non-us people! Or even by nobody at all! A: And then where would they be! Q: At the mercy of the Belgian threat. Q: Could we one day live in a world without threats? A: No, no - we're not ready for that. It's far too threatening. Q: We need our threats. They're part of our way of life. A: But there are those who would take away our threats. Q: Because they hate our way of life. A: And they are the greatest threat of all. Q: Are they in China? Is China a threat? Labels: q and a, running the world, warnography
posted by fafnir at 2:25 PM
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