Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Fafblog Election Day Special! Know Your Swing States

Well it's sure been a whirlwind two-and-a-half years, but election day's already here! Before Campaign '08 finally wraps up let's stop and take a last look at the swing states we'll be hearin about all night long.

IRAQ
Population: 29 million
Big issues: gas prices, the economy, explosion reform
Major swing demographics: Joe the insurgent, Joe the government-employed death squad member, Joe the sad bandaged child with one remaining limb
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? maybe Nader

AFGHANISTAN
Population: 31 million
Big issues: the environment (curious rain of missiles and bullets, possibly linked to human activity)
Major swing demographics: poppy farmers, wedding survivors, Reagan Taliban
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? might write in Ron Paul

GAZA STRIP
Population: 1.5 million
Big issues: housing shortage, bulldozer/tank surplus
Major swing demographics: refugee moms, internment camp dads
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? heard some good things about the Green Party

MALAWI
Population: 14 million
Big issues: food crisis, health crisis, general state of crisis
Major swing demographics: people with water, people with food, seniors (30 and up)
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? probably just gonna stay home again

EARTH
Population: five million trillion trillion, give or take
Big issues: human-induced climate change, human-induced mass extinction, destroying all humans
Major swing demographics: bacteria, tree sloths, things that destroy humans
Electoral votes: 0
Leaning? usually goes with Leviathan, beast of beasts and slayer of men, but red tide algae might tip it to McCain this year
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17 comments:

  1. zadigNovember 04, 2008 3:45 PM

    You forgot the Hypermarket in Calais. Mmmmmm, croissants.

    ReplyDelete
  2. thepuppetheadNovember 04, 2008 3:45 PM

    E. coli resents the baseless accusation that it is a Reagan Democrat! E. coli is, and always has been, a Rockefeller Republican!

    To be fair, though, it's hard to spot the difference without a microscope.

    Y. pestis, on the other hand, is a Reagan Democrat.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousNovember 04, 2008 5:31 PM

    There are seven (7!) hypermarkets in Calais! It's a big demographic.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousNovember 04, 2008 6:41 PM

    As always guys a very informative report. I was shocked to learn that Afghanistan has a larger population than Iraq. Why didn't McCain trumpet this important victory I wonder? Depopulating an entire country is a major achievement.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousNovember 04, 2008 7:34 PM

    I believe Iraqui population is substantially decreased owing to displacement. 1/5 of population will have difficulty in getting their fingers dyed purple as they are away from their normal polling addresses.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousNovember 05, 2008 1:48 AM

    thank you fafblog!

    it is so nice to see you back on form, once again you are the champion of the election.

    pax giblitsia/fafgemony forever/uber alles.

    yours,
    cheops feeley

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousNovember 05, 2008 5:52 AM

    We love you Fafblog.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousNovember 05, 2008 7:33 AM

    In a parallel universe:

    McCain elected by the Supreme Court.
    McCain assasinated.
    Todd Palin dies of cancer.
    President Palin marries Barack Obama after his divorce.
    Additional war fronts opened in N.Korea,Pakistan,Iran.
    Tina Fey impersonates Sarah Palin in phone call to Sarkozy.
    Sarkozy and Carla Bruni divorce.
    Palin and Carla Bruni mud-wrestle on SNL.
    Palin/Obama reelected.
    Stephen Hawking lands on Mars.

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnonymousNovember 05, 2008 12:46 PM

    Now that Obama has won, the United States faces a very complicated question: who will play the various people in Obama's as yet undecided Cabinet when the inevitable film version of his life is made, probably by Oliver Stone (or Michael Bay, with extra explosive White House action sequences and 17 limo versus helicopter versus subway car chases)?

    Steve Guttenberg as Obama?

    Gary Coleman as Secretary of Agriculture?

    Al Pacino as Joe Biden? On stilts? Wearing an old Nixon mask?

    America must decide!

    http://thisisthenoshow.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousNovember 05, 2008 2:09 PM

    I think Oprah Winfrey would be perfect as Oprah Winfrey.

    I suggest Will Smith as the "outer Obama" (realistic sequences) and Jamie Foxx as the "inner Obama" (dream/fantasy/reverie sequences - also featuring Cedric the Entertainer as Martin Luther King Jr., Scarlett Johansson as Marilyn Monroe, James Cromwell as Lyndon Johnson, Robin Williams as Karl Marx, and Tim Robbins as Thomas Jefferson)

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousNovember 05, 2008 7:14 PM

    @mark r.

    You forgot Denzel Washington as "The Obama of Christmas Past" and Chris Rock as "Obama Penis". The latter would feature in a complex song and dance routine reminiscent of Ethel Merman in one of her vast synchronized swimming musical extravaganzas. If she was a penis.

    ReplyDelete
  12. AnonymousNovember 06, 2008 2:41 AM

    Y.pestis would just like to say,you know, you're all going to die.
    There, I said it, multicellular creeps.

    ReplyDelete
  13. AnonymousNovember 09, 2008 8:50 PM

    talkin' 'bout vast synchronized swimming musical extravaganzas -

    and also the implications of multicellular life cycles, namely sex and death -

    take a look at the "Return to the Water" episode of the BBC series Life of Mammals - the footage of whale copulation is remarkable

    http://tinyurl.com/5pluld

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousNovember 10, 2008 12:55 PM

    It's disturbing how deliciously e-coli looks like cheesy poofs. Death would be a small price to pay for some of their chemical saltiness.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Kip WNovember 11, 2008 10:27 AM

    zesty pete, Ethel Merman didn't do synchronized swimming. You're obviously thinking of Ethel Mermaid.

    ReplyDelete
  16. zesty peteNovember 19, 2008 9:25 AM

    @Kip w

    Yes. You're right. It was Esther Williams. I am shamed, slightly abashed and to be perfectly honest, feeling a little bit dirty. Thank you for putting me right.

    ReplyDelete
  17. AnonymousNovember 30, 2008 11:28 AM

    thanks for this!

    ReplyDelete