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Monday, March 27, 2006
"One of us is a murderer!" says me.
"One of us is going to kill again!" says Giblets. "Only we can stop us in time!" says me. "Because only we know where we’ll strike next!" says Giblets. "Down by the docks!" says me. "No, at the old mill!" says Giblets. "We'll never think to look for us there!" "Great idea!" says me. "Now we have to find our victim before they fall into our clutches." "How about the colonel!" says Giblets. "Everybody hates the colonel!" "Well yeah but that's too obvious," says me. "If we kill the colonel we'll figure out we did it in no time!" "How about the butler!" says Giblets. "Nobody cares about the butler!" "Well yeah but that's just mean," says me. "I don't wanna pick on the butler when he's already feelin down." "How about Taco Man Stan!" says Giblets. "It’s high time he answer for the ever-escalating prices at Taco Man Stan’s Taco Man Stand!" "I dunno, those are some pretty high-quality tacos," says me. "That's true," says Giblets. "How about horrible old Mrs. Foby from third grade! Her libelous deprecation of Giblets's penmanship will go unavenged no longer!" "We can't," says me. "Mrs. Foby died last year." "Oh that's so sad!" says Giblets. "Yeah I know," says me. "Good ol Mrs. Foby," says Giblets. "Always an inspiration to Giblets and his dreams." "Our murderous dreams – of murder!" says me. "We only have hours to stop us!" says Giblets. "And how will we do it? It’s a mystery!" says me. "WOOOOOOOO!" says us. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 9:51 PM
Now everybody knows the duck is the greediest animal in all the land an one day Zeus decided to teach him a lesson. So he invited all the animals over an promised to give each one a special present an sure enough the duck was one a the first ones that showed up.
First the giraffe walked up an Zeus said "Hello there giraffe, and what would you like for Zeusmas!" an the giraffe said "I'd like a new DVD player" an Zeus said "Oh ho! You may have it, but be careful what you wish for – you just might get it!" An so the giraffe took his DVD player an went on his way. Next the goldfish came up to Zeus an Zeus said to the goldfish "Hello there goldfish, and what would you like for Zeusmas!" an the goldfish said "I'd like a delicious frosted cupcake" an Zeus said "Oh ho! You may have it, but be careful what you wish for – you just might get it!" An so the goldfish took his delicious frosted cupcake an went on his way. Then the duck came up to Zeus an Zeus said "Hello there duck, and what would you like for Zeusmas!" an the duck said "I'd like all your money" an Zeus said "Oh ho! You may have it, but be careful what you wish for – you just might get it!" An so the duck took all of Zeus's money an went on his way. Then the ostrich came up to Zeus an Zeus said "What are you people still doing here?" an the ostrich said "I thought we all got presents" an Zeus said "Oh, alright" an the ostrich said "I want a racecar!" an Zeus realized he couldn't afford that on accounta he just gave all his money away to the duck an Zeus said "I don't have a racecar but how'd you like these neat complimentary airline saltines!" an the ostrich said "What about a jetpack instead?" an Zeus said "What the hell would you do with a jetpack?" an the ostrich said "Dunno, fly around and fight crime" an Zeus said "Get off my porch, birdboy." The ostrich decided Zeus was prejudiced against ostriches and declared himself an independent candidate for Zeus in the next election and while he didn't win he went on to steal enough votes from Zeus's core constituency of large flightless birds to throw the election to Zeus's main opponent, a charismatic walrus. The duck bought a real big house an hired some beefy duck guards to stand around it. They spent a lotta time beatin up Zeus. The Moral Of Our Story: Zeus is stupid. Labels: fables
posted by fafnir at 3:49 PM
Saturday, March 25, 2006
 Today may be Fafblog's birthday, but every day is Fafblog's birthday, so we've decided to make it your birthday, too! Congratulations, you! Help yourself to another year and a piece of birthday pie. If you don't have pie, take some pie from someone who does. If someone else is taking your pie, take it back - what right's he got to take your pie on your pieday! If you are a large federal government, please spend hundreds of billions of dollars on experimental military pies - then blow them up. If you are an oppressed worker, sieze the means of pie production in a violent and bloody revolution. Indulge yourself today! We'll do this again in three years.Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 11:15 AM
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Millions were outraged to learn last December that the president had authorized a warrantless domestic spy program in direct violation of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. The news represented a breach of a sacred trust: a violation not only of law, but of one of the most fundamental social contracts in democratic society. This time, the press had gone too far.
Were it not for the New York Times, the American people would never have been menaced by this rogue information. Oh, terrorists would still be aware the U.S. was trying to wiretap them, but they wouldn’t know it was trying to wiretap them illegally. Now that information has fallen into enemy hands, and it could be used to orchestrate the most dangerous attacks on the American government the United States has ever known: censure, Congressional hearings, or even an independent investigation – all of which could prove devastating in the Global War Against the President’s Approval Ratings. And make no mistake, my friends: that is exactly the war we must fight when we confront the teeming terrorist hordes. For how can America’s troops maintain their fighting spirit when their Commander-in-Chief is polling in the mid-thirties? Indeed, just by discussing this we provide aid and comfort to the enemy; the Medium Lobster has committed six counts of treason in this article alone. But at least one senator is finally putting a stop to this horrifying display of free expression. Mike DeWine of Ohio has crafted a bill that will not only make the president’s warrantless wiretapping program legal, but will also prosecute anyone who publishes a story about it. Tragically, Senator DeWine’s bill simply doesn’t go far enough. It’s one thing to ban journalists from talking about the NSA program, but what’s truly needed is a law to prevent the public from thinking about it. Classified information has been leaked to a public that was never meant to know it, and as long as Americans are free to think classified thoughts, they can silently undermine the president in a time of war from deep within seditious skulls. The occupation of America’s frontal lobes by the United States military may be long and costly, but the cause of freedom requires many a sacrifice.
posted by Medium Lobster at 8:34 PM
This week is the third anniversary of a pretty big event - a twenty-first century milestone that changed America and the world forever. Some people supported it an thousands protested but everybody pretty much agrees nothin's the same now that it's here. That's why Fafblog is focusing this week on one of the defining political moments of our decade: the founding of Fafblog.
A lot's happened since that fateful spring afternoon when we brought a blog to life with some sewn-together monkey parts in a thunderstorm. Today of course Fafblog is read by billions a senators an popes, wrestles an alligator on CSPAN every day an gets injected into dairy cows to build strong bones an shiny teeth! We brought Howard Dean to life with a magic top hat an sent over that bald stripper for the White House's birthday party an who could forget the day we teamed up with Powerline an all the little blogs down in Whoville to kill Saddam Hussein with Dan Rather's typewriter an save Christmas forever! In the future Fafblog will be beamed one billion posts at a time into a tiny bar code tattooed onto the inside of your brain as part of the new and terrifying world order of the evil robo-apes and our billions of fans will still love every minute of it. But will we have Gone Too Far? No! Cause deep down inside no matter how much money an fame an gold-plated brains we get we're still doin it all the kids. Viva us! Viva Fafblog!
posted by fafnir at 5:47 PM
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
 Today we’re gonna do somethin different. Insteada today’s regular pie, we’re gonna have you try some of this delicious special medical pie!Of course this is pie! It’s just special liquid medicinal pie recommended by nine outta ten doctors an pharmacists. They’re standin right over there along with representatives from the pie industry. They’re smilin an wavin an they totally think you oughtta drink this pie before you start gettin some adverse pie withdrawal symptoms like fever or spontaneous eyeball tumors. The tenth doctor and/or pharmacist was tied in a burlap sack an beaten with a stick til he apologized for giving you the impression that this pie was not the highest possible quality pie.  This pie may cause headaches, nausea, dizziness, drowsiness, gout, emphysema, epilepsy, narcolepsy, pancreatitis, cirrhosis of the liver, cirrhosis of the brain, brain worms, space madness, and complete spontaneous explodification of the everything. May. It may also cure cancer, give you x-ray vision and super-strength, and get you into exclusive parties with top celebrities like George Clooney and Jesus.In the future all pie will be taken in pill form with a dose of 24-hour time-released ice cream. The cost of new experimental pie skyrockets while underground labs keep cranking out dangerously delicious new pastries for the cream junkies to shoot up. A concerned Congress resolves that dessert has become alarmingly fun and appoints a new pastry czar to deal with the crisis. He sits in his office and nervously eyes a large apple pie with a fluffy light crust in a clear plastic bag labeled This is a Class C pie. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it delicious? He eats it and finds out. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 8:13 PM
So we just finished up our first extra-special theme week here on Fafblog, Nothing Week! Let's see what the critics are sayin.
"Stupid and lame!" – Giblets "A symphony of nothing, written in the language of pure squat! Genius!" – John Cage "Stupid and boring!" – Giblets "As I am drawn into the depths of the horror of Nothing Week I must reject the evidence of my senses and recognize the Something Week within, lest I fail the highest test of faith - oh no, it's God and he's coming to eat me!" - Soren Kierkegaard "Stupid and boring and stupid and lame and stupid!" – Giblets Sounds like a hit! We'll have to do it again sometime. Meanwhile we just got borin ol Something Week comin up. Oh well!
posted by fafnir at 4:33 PM
Friday, March 3, 2006
posted by Giblets at 3:08 PM
Thursday, March 2, 2006
Well I hope you’re happy America. After months a lookin at Iraq an goin “maybe we shouldn’t invade, there might be a civil war” an “hey the Sunnis and the Shiites really don’t get along, they might have a civil war” an “they really seem to be shooting and killing each other a lot, is this a civil war?”, now there’s a civil war! And all because of you. Oh I’ve heard all the excuses – “the war has failed because of poor planning, the war has failed because of sectarian divisions, the war was based on a fundamentally misbegotten premise” – but those are all just the kinda excuses you tell yourself to feel better. There’s only one reason the war’s falling apart, and it’s pretty obvious: because you hurt its feelings.
Like right after the invasion when the rioting started up, you coulda been all supportive an said “Hey war, it’s alright, somebody just stole 380 tons of high-grade explosives from me last week too!” That coulda made the war feel a lot more positive about itself. Or when the Abu Ghraib scandals broke you coulda looked on the bright side an gone “Hey, you’re lookin less torturey than you used to!” Or when the civil war started you coulda said “Y’know what, you look pretty good in a civil war, this could be a whole new you.” Instead all the war ever hears is “this is a bad war, let’s get away from this war, I wish this war was never born!” And how do you think that makes the war feel? It feels sad and unloved. It looks up at older wars like the Revolutionary War and World War II and That Time We Blew Up Grenada and thinks “How come they love those wars more than me?” It loses concentration in school. It starts hangin out with bad influences like Vietnam. It’s not even keepin in shape anymore. I saw the war walkin down the street the other day an it was thirty pounds overweight, stinkin of booze and covered with torture camps and death squads. Last week Musab al Zarqawi was about to give up violence forever and spend the day makin cookies for his local interfaith bake sale when an antiwar diary on DailyKos.com broke his heart an convinced im to kick off a wave of bloody sectarian violence instead. For shame, America. For shame. Last year the war had a birthday an nobody even gave it cake. The war just sat in an empty little room with the editorial staff a The Weekly Standard singin “Happy Birthday to me” real quietlike an tryin to hold back the tears. Well I’m not gonna let that happen this year! This year we’re gonna be there with party hats an ice cream an everything so the war can get it’s self esteem back an feel like it can grow up to be anything it wants to be! Come and bring a present! This year the war would like a new bicycle, a gift certificate or an exit strategy.
posted by fafnir at 6:05 PM
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for your
listening pleasure 
The Apples In Stereo New Magnetic Wonder 
Magnetic Fields Distortion 
Celebration The Modern Tribe 
Man or Astro-Man? EEVIAC
for your
viewing enjoyment
for your
reading edification 
The World Without Us 
The Iron Wall: Israel and the Arab World 
I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets 
Invisible Cities 
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