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Sunday, July 31, 2005
The world is a dangerous place. But not for long! Giblets has plans - grand sweeping plans! - to end the greatest most dangerous danger in the history of danger with a very catch new label! Yes, Giblets is expanding his previous "War Against Spookiness" and his "War Against War" to become a newer and bolder and even MORE winnable war: THE MASSIVELY BROBDINGNAGIAN UNIVERSAL CONFLICT AGAINST ALL STUFF! or as we say in army-talk, M-BUCAAS.
Now some of you are gonna start whining "Oh Giblets how can you win a war against stuff, I am a great big girl." Well Giblets is going to win this war with careful planning and preparation and with a sound strategy to keep plenty of "boots on the ground." Behold Giblets's triple-phased battle plan to hunt down and wipe out stuff in all its forms! EVIL! First Giblets's coalition of the willing will invade the Evil homeland of Evilistan from the north, south, and east, using bordering airbases in the neighboring allied nation of East Evilistan. Next Giblets will direct coordinated bombing runs on the Evil capital of Badlamabad while the Gibletsian army closes in. Finally Giblets will capture and depose Evil dictator Satan and hold him responsible for his crimes against the Evil people, who will welcome Giblets as a liberator. VIOLENCE! Gibletsian forces will raid and destroy Violence-training camps around the globe while special forces capture fleeing Violence and and hold it in special Violence detainment facilities until it can be tried and prosecuted. With the information Giblets gains from lower-level Violence, Giblets will be able to topple the entire Violence network. THINGS! Giblets will neutralize the global thing hydra with a three-pronged strategy: first, massive "decapitation strikes" to knock out all pointy things that could poke Giblets. Next, a carefully-coordinated international effort to freeze the assets of all heavy thigs that could squish Giblets. Finally, a massive police and intelligence effort to round up all remaining fluffy things which could be used to smother Giblets. Then at last we can sleep at night! Presumably floating in some sort of void, well away from things.
posted by Giblets at 12:19 PM
Thursday, July 28, 2005
The Medium Lobster extends kudos to Bill Frist, who earlier this week shelved a Senate military bill simply to derail a bipartisan effort to ban "cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment" of detainees, along with the practice of hiding prisoners from the Red Cross as "ghost detainees." As the White House has noted, to prevent the military from torturing its prisoners would be to prevent it from "protect[ing] Americans effectively from terrorist attack." Which is not to say that this is a tacit admission that the Bush administration, from the president on down, has condoned and encouraged "cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment" of prisoners. Oh, heavens forfend! America stands against and will not tolerate torture. What Senator Frist and the White House defended this week was not torture, but hypohetical torture, a critical weapon in our increasingly hypothetical war.
It is inconceivable that the United States military would engage in torture, stress positions, waterboarding, electrical shocking, burns, beatings, chaining of prisoners to floors and ceilings, and cold-blooded murder, except by a few hundred or so bad apples no one can do much about. Nevertheless, it is critical that the United States military retain the ability to legally commit and direct others to commit torture, even though the American government would, of course, never resort to such grotesque violations. The notion is not to preserve the ability to torture so that actual prisoners can be actually tortured - heavens, what a thought! - but to preserve the idea of torture itself. Similarly, the recent decision to defy a federal judge's orders and refuse to release dozens of photographs and videos taken at Abu Ghraib follows the same logic. The Pentagon is not covering up acts of actual torture, because Americans do not torture and because the Pentagon would not cover for torturers. The Pentagon is merely covering up for theoretical torturers, allowing the public to believe that perhaps more torture occurred than has been revealed so far, when in fact this cannot be the case. The Pentagon isn't shielding torturers, but preserving the idea of torturers. And we should understand by now why ideas are so very necessary to winning this war. It is, after all, a war of ideas, and in a war of ideas America needs as many hypothetical weapons it can get to defeat its theoretical foe. In the ideological battlefield, one cannot allow a few real-world senators to cut off access to a powerful tool like hypothetical genital electrocution, which an imaginary torturer can use to uncover the pretend location of a chimerical bomb - all without ever displaying an actual act of torture on an actual television set. And as long as we agree to keep these ideas as just ideas - without banning them outright or exposing them as real - America is poised to triumph. Only if this war of ideas becomes a war of reality - with the attendent corpses, atrocities, leaked videotapes, torture scandals and war crimes investigations of reality - will America face defeat.
posted by Medium Lobster at 5:36 PM
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
 This is the duck post. This is a post about a duck."What is the significance of the duck? Should I be angry at the duck? Should I be sad? Should I be filled with an inscrutably duckish ennui?" Well I guess you could be any a those things but really the duck is just a duck. I guess it means whatever ducks mean. "What do ducks mean? I require more duck background to reach a conclusion." For thousands of years man has known the untamed duck. Prehistoric man hid in his caves from the savage predator ducks. The duck was first introduced to the West by Marco Polo after visiting the empire of the great khan, where it was known as du kho, or "tiny emperor." Alchemists prized the duck for its aphrodisiac properties. St. Islo of Easterly was martyred in battle with the Great Duck of Norfolk which was either the size of Norfolk or the size of a duck, it is very hard to tell. "This isn't really helping me understand the duck. Maybe if you wrote a few helpful labels on the duck I could figure it out." Please don't write on the duck! That'll scare the duck. The other day I saw a duck a lot like this duck an I went up to it an I said "What's up duck" an felt pretty good cause I never got the chance to say that to an actual duck before. The duck just looked at me an flew away. "Is this duck about me? Is it laughing at me? It is an unknown duck. I'm scared of it." Let the duck be the duck.
posted by fafnir at 8:02 PM
So I'm applyin for a job at the White House but some a the questions on the application are pretty confusin. I was hopin maybe you guys could help me figure em out.
___________________________________ Have you ever committed a felony? __Yes __No If yes, what kind of felony? __Little white felony __Itsy bitsy teensy treason __"Fair game" Have you ever committed, authorized, or encouraged the commission of an atrocity? __Yes __No If yes, what kind of atrocity? __Torture with rice pilaf __Summary execution with cobb salad __Unjustified invasion and occupation with mushroom quiche If no, how should atrocities like that be punished? __Check minus __No nickname for a week __Cabinet appointment Why do you want to work at the White House? (check all that apply) __Lobbyist connections __Oil industry connections __Job security __Heritage Foundation/Inertia __Viceroyalty of choice in New SyrRanian Freedomstan __Get to finally wipe out that bastard whooping crane __Chance to vigorously rub the president's head to pick up second-hand, static-charge omnipotence ESSAY PORTION: 1. What qualities and characteristics do you think make the ideal White House employee? Answer using no more than six letters, a hand gesture, and the doodling space in the margins. 2. When is it appropriate to fire a White House employee? (Note: trick question.) Political party: __George W. Bush __Other (please explain)
posted by fafnir at 6:17 PM
Monday, July 25, 2005
"Don't worry," says Lance Armstrong to the sick little girl. "You're gonna beat this cancer. I just know it." "Thanks, Mr. Armstrong, but I don't have cancer," says the sick little girl. "I have spinal meningitis." "Well then you can go to hell," says Lance Armstrong tearing up the flowers and the heart-shaped teddy bear. Lance Armstrong feels nothing for the sufferers of spinal meningitis.
Lance Armstrong races towards the crosswalk on his Trek Madone SSLX after the last of the grandmas. They shuffle as fast as they can on their canes and walkers to get out of his way but they are made of osteoporosis and are no match for him. He flattens the last of them and spins around pumping his fists triumphantly. "Seventh win!" says Lance Armstrong. "Armstrong rules, grandmas drool!" He doubles back towards one of the more arthritic ones for an historic eighth attempt. Lance Armstrong is the uncontested champion of the Tour de Grandma. The fire engine speeds around the corner and screeches to a stop at a house which does not appear to be on fire. The firefighters are confused. Lance Armstrong is leaning against the door frame, arms folded. "Fire? Ha ha, no, just checking," says Lance Armstrong looking idly at a stopwatch. "Slow. Slooooooow."
posted by Giblets at 10:41 AM
Sunday, July 24, 2005
 Look at em piled up in great heaps a crusty goodness! They are the quiches an tarts an deep-dish pizzas of the world - the almost-pies, who sometimes still wish on a bright shiny star that one day they'll be real pies before they get thrown out with the leftovers.Their round, flaky crusts and gooey innards have not earned them equal status with the pies of high society. But aren't they pies in spirit if not pies in law? Cut them, do they not slice? Eat them, are they not delicious? "Oh but they are not pies," you say. Do not judge them with your rules and your regulations and your hierarchical structures! Who can decide right from wrong, good from bad, pie from not-pie? The World Pie Council, that's who.  The World Pie Council sits at a long table in a long room at the top floor of the World Pie Consortium Center with all the pies in the world, going over every piece a crust and filling with weights and calipers and x-rays and microscopes. They're checkin em for size and density and yeast count and proper spelling and grammar. Each pie must meet a strict set of international pie standards or else it is deviant: an unpie, a dangerously unclassified non-pie posing as pie which without proper supervision could be eaten by unsuspecting citizens thinking it was pie all along! The consequences would be unthinkably thinkable. A cherry pie with neat glaze and clean white teeth is stamped STANDARD and whisked away on tiny mechanical pie carts; a peach cobbler with subpar posture is stamped DEFECTIVE and sucked into a chute in the Emergency Pie Furnace where its screams for mercy go unheeded. The World Pie Council does not notice; they return to their work, pale and stricken and joyless and forever devoted to their endless duty. Far away on the other side of the world lives Happy Lad on his bright cheerful hill surrounded by daisies and butterflies. Happy Lad accepts all pies and pielike objects into the eternal brotherhood of pie: the cheesecake, the jelly donut, the plastic frisbee. Some say Happy Lad eats his paper plates and tires out of a bottomless well of generosity and infinite love for all pies. Some say Happy Lad wants to create a community where all pies and pielike things are welcome, a peaceable pie kingdom on earth. Some say Happy Lad is just some crazy hobo who eats tires. They're right. Stay away from Happy Lad! He is fat with vulcanized rubber and probably dangerous.Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 8:17 AM
Friday, July 22, 2005
Oh, this can't be true! Spying on you at the library, indefinite detainment, torture, preventive wars on the wrong country, oh sure I can see that. But nuking Iran? Well that'd just be crazy.
posted by fafnir at 1:41 PM
"Giblets's tiny brain has been violated!" says Giblets. "There I was playing a wholesome game of Grand Theft Auto - shooting cops, beating hobos - when just by downloading a patch and using an external cheat device to alter the game code I became exposed to explicit polygon-on-polygon sex!"
"Oh no!" says me. "Who will protect the children from the children." "Never fear, kids!" says Senator Hillary Clinton, scourge of indecency! With one strong swoop of her congressional powers she hurls the game out the window where it explodes on the street below. Innocence is preserved! We are whisked away to the district attorneys' conference on narcotics and dangerous video games, where we learn about the growing incidence of plumber-on-mushroom violence. "Look at the vulgar images tainting our fair city!" says Giblets shakin up a can a spraypaint. "It is covered with offensive graffiti and foul language!" "Obscenity follows us wherever we go," says me sprayin stick figure boobies on the side of a Citibank. "Is there no refuge from filth in these troubled troubled times." "Don't worry, children!" says Senator Hillary Clinton zoomin down outta the sky! "I'll demolish this building so it'll never tempt you to vandalize it again!" "Hooray!" says us. We spend the rest a the day confiscatin pencils from impressionable kids who could use em to write swear words. "Look at these animals on TV," says me. "Monkeys havin sex with monkeys, elephants havin sex with elephants, all day long it's just sex sex sex." "And none of it within the confines of a monogamous relationship established under the bounds of holy matrimony!" says Giblets. "Who knows the dark influence it's havin on us now," says me. "Children predisposed to havin sex with elephants will only be encouraged by this alarmin new content." "Giblets could change the channel, but what would be the point?" says Giblets. "They'd just be having sex out there - in the dark - where Giblets can't even see them!" "This looks like a job for decency!" says Senator Hillary Clinton crashin through the livin room wall. "I'll destroy all the animals with my heat vision. That ought to put a stop to their shameless moral pollution of America's youth!" "Senator you've done so much to protect our mushy little minds," says me. "How ever can we repay you?" "Would you like a campaign donation? An editorial endorsement? Anything?" says Giblets. "Think nothing of it, friends!" says the senator. "It's just another job well done for Senator Hillary Clinton, scourge of indecency!"
posted by fafnir at 11:55 AM
Thursday, July 21, 2005
As the body count in Iraq has continued its rise over the last few months, with increasingly hideous attacks carried out by an increasingly vicious terrorist insurgency, some have noted that the uptick in violence has not produced a 9/11-esque welling of solidarity, an explosion of voices proclaiming that We Are All Iraqis Now. What separates Iraqi deaths from Western deaths? It is not, let the Medium Lobster assure you, ethnicity, religion, culture, wealth, and an avalanche of press coverage sliding away from an increasingly horrifying bloody mistake of a war. No, what makes Iraqi deaths so much more palatable is the fact that while every Western death has been a senseless murder committed in the name of an empty and lunatic cause, each Iraqi death has been a proud and noble sacrifice to preserve the Western way of life.
As President Bush has pointed out, America is fighting the terrorists abroad so it won't have to face them at home - diverting the enemy from attacking America and Europe by cleverly tricking them into attacking Iraq instead. Following this ingenious strategy, every bomb detonated by an insurgent in Iraq is necessarily a bomb detonated to protect the Western alliance; every body in Baghdad is necessarily a life saved in New York. The free world is preserved by the ongoing demolition of the third world. Indeed, if there's a criticism to be made of the current situation in Iraq, it's that there aren't enough terrorist attacks. If there were, there wouldn't be enough terrorists outside Iraq to attack London. Either our troops aren't doing enough to attract terrorists to Iraq, or Iraqis aren't providing tempting enough targets. For the sake of the homefront, the Medium Lobster encourages all coalition troops to deface a mosque at least once a day, and all Iraqi civilians to wear bright concentric targets as often as they can. If an Iraqi sees a suspicious Sunni extremist or foreign jihadi on your way to work, he should offer him a spare car bomb or a packet of explosives. Suicide-bombing is a sign of desperation, and we should endeavor to make the enemy as desperate as possible.
posted by Medium Lobster at 6:27 PM
Well we have a Supreme Court nominee and I guess he's all right, but we coulda done a whole lot better. These were Fafblog's picks for the spot. Maybe the president can replace Roberts at the last minute - or just wait a while, Rehnquist's gotta kick it sometime!
posted by fafnir at 1:03 PM
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
 So I'm walkin through the supermarket talkin to stuff like I do when one a the pork chops starts talkin back."Why hello there Mr. Fafnir," says the pork chop. "If you could free me from here I would greatly appreciate it." "Why hello there Mr. Meat," says me tippin my hat. "Could you reward me with three fantastical wishes?" "Of course," says the pork chop, "provided each of them backfires in some supremely ironic fashion." "It's a deal!" says me. By the end a the day I get a million dollars confiscated by the government, impeached from the office of the president, a broken-down candy factory an my own talkin pork chop. The wisdom of the ancients tells of the great spirits, the totems of wild: the strength of the buffalo, the wisdom of the owl, the endurance of the turtle, the pork chop... the ancients are confused about the pork chop. How did the pork chop get here? They are uncertain. What is the significance of the pork chop - to us, to the buffalo, to other, more significant pork chops? A vote is held; it is inconclusive. Unancientlike arguments begin to pop up. Can anything be done to be rid of it? Specialists are obliquely discussed. How many of them are there? If you see one, you've seen a dozen. Says who? Another vote is offered; it is voted down. The chairman refers the matter to committee and gavels the meeting to a close. No one is satisfied. "How did you win that footrace?" says the pork chop. "I thought you were supposed to take an infinite number of steps to reach the finish line." "I was, but I skipped half of em," says me. "I believe that's cheating," says the pork chop all indignant-like. "Aw cmon," says me. "You won the high jump contest. Besides you'll do great in the next one. What number am I thinkin of?" "A cow," says the pork chop. "Cheating again!" "The cow is not really a cow," says me. "It is the cow and the symbol of cow." "It is the cow, the symbolic cow and the horror of the real cow," says the pork chop. "It is the vampire cow!" says me. "Run away before it drains all cow blood from our cow imaginations!" "Don't worry - it can't see us or hear us in this state," says the pork chop. "Because there's no such thing as the real?" says me. "Because I'm a pork chop," says the pork chop. "I pretend to understand," says me. We hang out at the zoo until we get thrown outta the hippo house. On the day God decided to shape the world he called all the animals before him in order that they might give him counsel. And the fish was set before him and God said to the fish, "O fish, how shall I shape the world," and the fish said "Shape it like a bowl that it might be filled with water and the fish might swim in it." And the falcon was set before him and God said to the falcon, "O falcon, how shall I shape the world," and the falcon said "Shape it like a cloud that it might be filled with air and the falcon might fly above it." And the pork chop was set before him and God said to the pork chop, "O pork chop, how shall I shape the world," and the pork chop was silent. "Hey pork chop," said God. "Hey now, hey now pork chop," said God. The animals looked at each other. "Now - now don't rush me here, this one's just a little shy," said God. "Hey now pork chop." What an old loon. What the hell was he doing talking to animals anyway? "Okay try to focus just a little more," says me tossin the softball. It bounces off the pork chop an lands in a bush. "Oh, came this close!" says the pork chop. A big helpful dog comes runnin up with the softball. Truly he is man's second-best friend next to pork chop. "Now try a lighter catch this time," says me. The pork chop doesn't seem to be payin attention, he's bein picked up by the dog. "You gotta wait your turn," I says to the dog. The dog isn't listenin. Didn't he hear about the cow? "Hey put him down!" I says to the dog. The dog's runnin off with my spirit guide! I try to chase it but it's too fast. Noooooooo! Come back pork chop! Come baaaaaaack! I go to my local police station to report the crime but they're overloaded with missin spiritual meat reports an don't bother to help me. I am just another number to them. I put up fliers with the pork chop's picture an description all over town but nobody calls me back. "Do you think meat goes to heaven?" says me. "Giblets thinks the universe is dangerously stupid," says Giblets. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 7:42 PM
One thing is certain regarding the mideast conflict: Jesus is going to have to get tough with the Sharon government pretty soon. After years of broken campaign promises about maintaining Israeli settlements and casting the wicked into the lake of fire and brimstone which is the second death, it looks like pro-Jesus support is straining at the signs of Israel's Gaza pullout plan. If the Jesus administration doesn't crackdown on the peace process or implement a bold new plague initiative, it could take a massive hit in the upcoming midterms, to say nothing of the international credibility lost by showing a lack of resolve on the world stage.
The Medium Lobster expects that Jesus's foreign policy initiatives could be advanced considerably through a series of carrots and sticks aimed at derailing Israel's Gaza plan: increased exports of loaves, fish, and the body of Christ in the event of compliance with Heaven's dictates; a cessation of loan guarantees and a rain of blood and fire should Israel defy Heavenly law. Many will no doubt bemoan Jesus's failure to act as a "neutral arbiter," but when choosing between terrorists and the inscrutable prophecy of the Almighty, one can't afford even-handedness. All that's left is the question of where to relocate the Palestinians. Jesus has pointed out that in his father's kingdom are many mansions, and while Palestinians almost certainly couldn't afford their rent and upkeep, the now-abandoned housing projects on Heaven's outskirts could serve as an excellent refugee camp.
posted by Medium Lobster at 2:47 PM
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Giblets has read it. 1500 pages of everybody sittin' around at a table goin' "So Harry Potter what's goin' on," "Oh nothin', just bein' Harry Potter," "Oh well then," and then he gets run over by a bus. The last book will be a three-volume epic in which everybody sits around a table goin' "So where's Harry Potter," "Oh he's dead," "Oh that's right." Not recommended.
posted by Giblets at 10:23 AM
Friday, July 15, 2005
 Giblets is bored! His once-reliable stream of twenty-four-hour celebrity child molestation and missing white chicks has slowed to a trickle while his mighty thirst for journotainment remains unquenched. Only one solution remains: Giblets declares another presidential election!For a whole half a year Giblets has gone without debates and primaries and match-up polls, and the world is weaker for it! Giblets wants to see clashes of titans, epic slinging of slime, shameless heaps of corn subsidies and nubian slaves piled around random Iowa farmers, wives made entirely of husked corn and oatmeal cookies tearing each other to ribbons on the set of This Week With George Stephanopoulos! Giblets wants the McCain-Satan unity ticket! There is an entire universe of art and culture Giblets can only experience in campaign season: the prayerful mantra of the repeated talking point, the lyrical dance of the quasi-retracted half-promise, the sombre poetry of the reluctant character assassination, the classical drama of an entire press corps united in a modern-day Greek chorus wailing at the inevitable downfall of a dozen would-be kings! And the stunning cast of characters! Who will be the cute one, the creepy one, the grizzled but lovable veteran, the comic relief, the maverick bad boy who breaks away from the pack just long enough to kiss ass for a juicy endorsement from Concerned Hitler Clones of America? Whose promising campaign will be crushed under an onslaught of unauthorized biographies revealing his lifelong financial and sexual liasons with a rabid horde of terrorist hyenas? Giblets can stand the suspense no longer! This thrilling spectacle cannot be contained in a mere year-long media orgy! Let the permanent bloodsport commence! Into the cages with them! Strip them naked and throw them in the Pit of Pundits! Unleash the dogs and the werepigs, the ogres and the Matthewses, the Novaks and the Russerts! Five hundred quatloos on the newcomer! To the death! The DEATH!
posted by Giblets at 8:06 AM
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Castle Giblets is under siege! Raise the bridges, boil the oil, ionize the destructo-beams! The enemy will be crushed like delicious grapefruit. None defy Giblets and live to tell the tale!
Yes yes, that oil is coming along nicely, keep it up! Man those cannons! Get ready! Any second now the insolent fools will be within range and be destroyed by the waiting horde of Giblets! Yes. Annnny second now. "The enemy just called," says Fafnir. "They can't make it." "But! Gah! But it is a seige!" says Giblets. "Giblets cannot repel a seige if no one beseiges him!" "They said they hadda clean their room," says Fafnir. "But the! Bhaheh! But the oil!" says Giblets. "It's all boiled! What's Giblets supposed to do with a thousand pots of boiled oil!" "Hey, I know!" says Fafnir. "We can use it to fill the potholes in fronta the children's hospital! It'll be like repelling a siege of disadvantagedness." "That is the lamest siege ever!" says Giblets. Giblets is dissatisfied. Labels: dissatisfaction
posted by Giblets at 12:05 PM
Yesterday I went to the future an it was awesome! I took the moon train to a city on Mars an blew up an evil computer with the power of thinkin an helped Captain Space And His Spacekateers fight off an invasion from Neptunia Queen of the Planet Women an all for under three Quizlats!
Today I go back to the future an somebody's paved over all the bubble cities an the tube transports an the tractor beams an replaced em with a series of planned communities with tastefully homogeneous designs based on a pastiche of local cultures. I figure maybe somebody's sorta moved the future off to the side so I call up information an ask for Robotopolis but all I get is directions to the strip mall. I run into Nebulox the Living Thing That Lives but he's just baggin groceries at a Stop-U-Mart. I ask if he's gonna use his fearsome galactaray to conquer these tater tots but he just wraps em in recycled paper instead. I start thinkin maybe space future's lookin better than normal future so I go to the rental guy an I go I'd like a moon rocket please an the rental guy goes don't got moon rockets an I go how bout a flyin car an he goes none a them either an I go what about a spaceplane or a blimpwich or a moosemobile an he goes nope nope nope an I go whattayougot an he goes a boat an I go what kinda boat, a space boat or a time boat or a mysterious negaboat or what an he says it's just a boat. So I end up walkin around the future with some moldy ol boat. This isn't the future. This is some fake plastic future. This is a soy-based future substitute. I spend the rest a the day hangin out in the past. Winston Churchill just smokes up an eats doritos an Abraham Lincoln turns out to be a complex animatronic device operated by freemasons. Labels: true adventures
posted by fafnir at 10:00 AM
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
As the Wall Street Journal points out today, the true tragedy in the Plame affair has been the burning of Karl Rove. Indeed, if there is any integrity left in Time Magazine, it must fire Matt Cooper. By outing Karl Rove as the man who outed an undercover CIA agent, Matt Cooper has selfishly, recklessly, and amorally endangered a top administration official, exposing Rove and those he works with to threat from political opponents, news organizations and the Justice Department, to say nothing of the damage done to Rove's career as one of America's hard-working partisan hacks. With his identity revealed, how will Rove effectively leak the leaks and spread the rumors necessary to serve his party? Such shameless and reckless abuse of partisan security cannot be tolerated. Matt Cooper must go.
posted by Medium Lobster at 9:56 AM
Monday, July 11, 2005
I dunno what the big deal is with the whole Karl Rove CIA thing. Back in my ol neighborhood EVERYBODY knew who our local covert CIA agent was. His name was CIA Bob an he lived next door to Sammy the Milkman!
You'd be out walkin the dog or throwin a frisbee or buyin an ice cream cone an there'd be good ol CIA Bob, mowin his lawn or buggin the Kremlin or stranglin a Latin American leader with a piece a piano wire. "Whatcha up to, CIA Bob?" I'd go. "Oh I'm just assassinatin Castro," he'd say. Silly CIA Bob! That trick never works! A lotta people might get nervous livin around a trained secret operative, but not with good ol CIA Bob. We'd always go over to his place for weekend barbecues in the summer, kickin back with a coupla grilled dogs an some Afghan mujahedeen. Nothin washes down a plate a Manuel Noriega's German potato salad like a cold beer and a third world proxy war! Course those were back in the good ol days, before the neighborhood feud with KGB Joe an the bar fights with Iranian intelligence. By the time the mailman's house got attacked by the local guerillas we figured it was time to move to a quieter place out in the suburbs. We still miss CIA Bob, but things are still plenty interesting as long as Witness Protection Program Al's around. Oh the stories he has to tell!
posted by fafnir at 9:41 AM
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Well you can sleep tight now Londoners, because Giblets has delivered your immediate retaliation by runnin' out an' kickin' a big dog!1 A real big dog which you can bet will I am sure turn out to have reasonably plausible al Qaeda connections.
1. Okay, it was less of a big dog than it was a toy chihuahua.2 2. Okay, it was less of a toy chihuahua than it was a large gerbil. But it was a super fat gerbil.3 3. Okay, it was less of a gerbil than a species of water beetle. What're you bitchin' about, you got your retaliation!
posted by Giblets at 2:40 PM
If last week's tragic bombings of the London tube system demonstrate anything, it's that the war on terror has been a staggering triumph. The righteous onslaught of new-painted schools and fresh-pressed police uniforms in Iraq has clearly driven the jihadists fleeing from the central front in the war on terror, scattering from the Middle East all the way to England, where they, in desperation, have resorted to attacking our allies at home.
Indeed, the West's war against Islamofascism is a victim of its own success: with the Iraqi insurgency in its last throes, America no longer has the opportunity to courageously distract its enemies with Iraq's broken and bloody corpse. The only option is to stay on the offense, fighting the terrorists even more abroad so we don't have to face them even more at home - by invading even more countries. The Medium Lobster suggests a decisive attack on jihadist hot spots like Iran and Canada, prompting terrorists throughout the West to drop their plans, pack up their car bombs and sleeper cells, and rush to attack American troops abroad - just like we want them to. These new wars, undoubtedly attracting waves of Islamofascist resistance, will simultaneously occupy the Islamist Enemy while conveniently bottling up them up, allowing the forces of freedom to leisurely wipe them out. How many countries should America turn into Central Fronts In The War On Terror? The more the better, since the more countries America invades, the more terrorists are diverted from assaulting its freedom. Ths means, naturally, that the only way to truly secure the homeland is to declare war on everything around it - but sadly, until the United States has the steely resolve to commit itself to liberating humanity, America will always remain at risk.
posted by Medium Lobster at 11:27 AM
Thursday, July 7, 2005
Once upon a time there was a robot who loved the land like a woman an roamed the countryside. One day the robot came across a river where a frog lived and asked the frog to carry him across the river on his back. Now everybody knows that frogs an robots are enemies so the frog was pretty suspicious.
"You are a robot," says the frog. "You'll just zap me with your death ray when we're halfway across the river an I'm all defenseless." "Beep boop clank," says the robot. "Clank clank beep." "I dunno," says the frog. "Boop boop beep," says the robot. "Beep clank." "Oh well, I guess so," says the frog. So the robot stepped onto the frog an sank em both to the bottom a the river where they were stuck for the next coupla years. Later the robot was recovered by a salvage company and sold to a children's museum in Muskogee, Oklahoma. The frog got eaten by a bird. The Moral Of Our Story: Robots are heavy. Labels: fables
posted by fafnir at 8:08 AM
Explosions in London. Everything appears to indicate a Madrid-style coordinated terrorist attack on the underground. Fuck.
posted by Medium Lobster at 7:21 AM
Wednesday, July 6, 2005
posted by Giblets at 5:38 PM
 An we're runnin past the fireball an jumpin on the alligator heads an the ninjas are right behind us an LOOK OUT IT'S GONNA BLOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!The casualties? Who knows! The sound? Defeaning! The taste? Danger. It is the pie of danger... and in TEN MINUTES IT IS GOING TO EXPLODE! You are our only hope! Rewire the crust to the pudding, the berry goop to the tin plate, the custard to the detonator, the blue wire to the lemon meringue - before it kills the president! Oh you are doing it all wrong! There's no time. We have to escape before it becomes even more delicious - dangerously delicious.  But there is no escape, you are too intrigued by the excitement of its fatal filling! With your first bite you're stickin your hand out the school bus window - so dangerous, don't you know what that did to Marty Lichtman in third grade! With your second bite you're speedin on a highway while talkin on your cell phone at the same time - and you aren't even using the complimentary headset! With your third bite you're hangin out in a smoke-filled bar - oh, don't you know that extended exposure to second-hand smoke can increase the risk of cancer! You try to stop yourself but it is too late, the sweet succulence of recklessness compels you to take one more bite AND THEN YOU EXPLOOOOODE!An we're runnin past the fireball an fightin the terrorists an punchin out the spaceship an crash-landin on a missile made a nazi zombies an we got half a second to get into space before the danger! The danger of danger pie! Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 2:21 PM
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
Last week Lawrence O'Donnell revealed that he, along with "too many people," had known for some time that Karl Rove had leaked the identity of a covert CIA agent to get back at her whistleblower husband. Like any good member of the press, O'Donnell sat on this information for months to protect the sanctity of reporter-reporter privilege.
As it turns out, there are quite a few criminals and potential criminals in the administration the media would tell you about - if only it could. Sadly, because the media adheres to the very strictest of ethical codes, these felons can never be exposed. As a member of the press, the Medium Lobster has taken it upon himself to list a few of these senior administration officials and the moral quandaries which prevent your press corps from revealing them to you. Names have been changed to protect the guilty. Who We're Not Reporting On: "Fat Albert" What We're Not Reporting: authorized torture to spite annoying co-worker Why We're Not Reporting It: friend's wife knew uncle of source's illegal immigrant nanny - that's fifth-degree reporter-source privilege Who We're Not Reporting On: "Deep Rumsfeld" What We're Not Reporting: sold arms to terrorists to screw with ex-girlfriend Why We're Not Reporting It: explained it all at the club, sounded very sympathetic Who We're Not Reporting On: "Lewis" Libby What We're Not Reporting: murdered sixteen people over a period of ten years as the Zodiac Killer Why We're Not Reporting It: pinky swear from Russert; couldn't break Tiny Tim's heart Who We're Not Reporting On: "Chick Daney" What We're Not Reporting: vaporized tanks, biplanes, and skyscrapers with nuclear fire breath in massive rampage through Tokyo Why We're Not Reporting It: wife makes the most delicious brownies Who We're Not Reporting On: "President George W. Bush" What We're Not Reporting: launched massive war of choice on false pretenses Why We're Not Reporting It: we do what for a living?
posted by Medium Lobster at 5:32 PM
Saturday, July 2, 2005
Man it's a slow news day.
UPDATE! This just in! According to Editor and Publisher, the McLaughlin Group is still on the air! "Giblets does not believe it," says Giblets. "No it's true," says me. "I think it's on PBS." "PBS! Pa-heh!" says Giblets. "Nobody counts PBS!" "Maybe it's a reunion tour," says me. "The fat guy was the heart and soul of that show," says Giblets. "It could never be the same without the fat guy." "That's not fair Giblets," says me. "Mort Kondracke put in some highly competant bass work to say nothing of Eleanor Clift's scorching drum solos." "All of them hacks!" says Giblets. "The McLaughlin Group used to be about fire and love and rebellion! Now they're just sellin out to the man." "I think we expect too much of our heroes," says me. "All that belonged to a different age." "Before they found Charlie Rose OD'd in a hotel bathtub," says Giblets. "Peace, Charlie - wherever you are," says me. "Who are you talking to?" says Giblets.
posted by fafnir at 2:34 PM
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for your
listening pleasure 
The Apples In Stereo New Magnetic Wonder 
Magnetic Fields Distortion 
Celebration The Modern Tribe 
Man or Astro-Man? EEVIAC
for your
viewing enjoyment
for your
reading edification 
The World Without Us 
The Iron Wall: Israel and the Arab World 
I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets 
Invisible Cities 
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