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Tuesday, May 24, 2005
It's hot today - TOO hot - and Giblets bans the sun. It is outlawed in all decent Gibfearing lands! Never again shall the brow of Giblets be sullied with its base photonic energy. Three huzzahs and a tally-ho!
What madness is this! The sun is back - hanging in the air, fusing hydrogen into helium, shamelessly flouting the law of Giblets! Apprehend it at once! Use the net, the net! The monkey is deployed. The monkey is useless! In the end the sun's fiendish heat ray overpowers Giblets and he is forced to commandeer a lemonade stand from a small crying child. Insolent sun! You may have won this battle - but the war is far from over! War is declared! The Gibletsian army strikes as soon as the sun emerges from its mountain hideout, targeting it with strategic anti-sun rocks! What's this - the sun is unscathed! It must have some kind of crazy rockproof sun armor! Giblets commands his army to trap the sun before it escapes to its ocean getaway but the army is more interested in getting ice cream. Insolent army! Ice cream is not the annihilation of the sun! Perhaps Giblets has spent too much time on the supply side of the sun problem and not enough time on the demand side. Sun tariffs are levied. Sanctions are imposed. A media blitz informs citizens they should JUST SAY NO TO SUN and that SUN CAUSES TERROR and to BE COOL: DESTROY THE SUN. That should fix it! As Giblets is walking the beach he spots a couple sunbathers. Sunbathers! BATHING in the SUN! They are thrown in the dungeons of Castle Giblets to be eaten by zombies. As for everyone else - a six thousand percent luxury tax on everything! That should teach you to like people who like the sun. The pinnacle of anti-sun technology, the GX2 ballistic anti-sun missile, is aimed at the sun and launched! It lands in Tacoma, Washington. Eh. Nobody cares about Tacoma, Washington. "Sun's not lookin too good today," says Fafnir. "Oh really?" says Giblets. "Yeah," says Fafnir. "Kinda old an puffy an tired-lookin." Ha-HA, sun! Giblets can smell your weakness! It is only a matter of time before Giblets closes in for the kill. Triumph, victory, huzzah! The sun explodes to the deafening applause of all righteous Gibletsians who are not consumed by its firey death-throes. Success at last! "I'm gonna miss the sun," says Fafnir. Well who asked Fafnir! Nobody that is who. It's cold today - TOO cold - and Giblets has misplaced his sweater. Stupid cold! Giblets should ban the cold, too. Labels: true adventures
posted by Giblets at 11:15 AM
Sunday, May 22, 2005
 So you're stuck in traffic an you're late for the big game an you're bein chased by a buncha nazis an if you don't crash your girlfriend's wedding an stop her from marryin the robot king all the ninjas are gonna laugh at you. Oh no what're you gonna do!If only you had some pie... some inspiration pie. But look up there on top a the sun! It's Spiderman or Mr. Rogers or trusted newsman Walter Cronkite an he's holdin up a pie - a Hostess® Fruit Pie! He tosses it up in the air an it spins all in slow-motion like a wheel or a snowflake or a raindrop fallin on a small poignant immigrant child in a silent film an you catch it in your upraised hand an you bite in straight through the plastic wrapper an the glazed crust into the sweet inside goop an it's yours! It doesn't taste like cherry or lemon or blueberry. It tastes like wisdom. It tastes like revealed pie. Inside the crust an the sugar you taste the ages of the pie down through its piey generations and forefathers back to when the first Fruit Pie was baked by the first Fruit Piemachers, shadowy wizened elves hammering in forges and tinkering with strange magics. You taste the ancient knowledge, the first flash of genius that yielded the breakthrough Fiat crustulum: Let there be pie. And you're off! Runnin over the tops a cars to make the winnin touchdown an punchin out Hitler's brain before it lays a tentacle on your lady friend an the ninja coach gives you the all-star trophy an it's all on accounta pie! An you hold it up in the air an the camera spins all around you an you toss it back to Spiderman or Mr. Rogers or trusted newsman Walter Cronkite who's givin you a thumb's up an the hot pie fillin hits him in the face killing him instantly. The jury is merciless; you receive twenty years to life. Now you spend the rest of your lonely days in a cold cement cell, your only companions the occasional spiders and the guards who call you Pie Boy. ("What's up today Pie Boy," they say. "Kill anybody with your pie today Pie Boy," they say. The guards are not very creative.) And your pie - your sweet, delicious Hostess® Fruit Pie, whom you cannot accept, and who will never forget you. Labels: pie
posted by fafnir at 5:56 PM
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Freedom is a curious thing. Consider the case of Uzbekistan, where the regime of Islam Karimov gunned down over three hundred anti-government demonstrators last week. Karimov's government, a brutal dictatorship which routinely employs torture and boils prisoners alive, is an ally of the United States, backed up by American troops and aid dollars. Does this association then undermine the President's goal of spreading freedom through the world? Hardly, for beneath that torture, savagery and murder is torture, savagery and murder aimed at bad people.
Freedom, after all, is not merely the condition of being free. It is also the willingness to fight those forces opposed to freedom. And in the fight against the fight against freedom, Uzbekistan has more than proven its mettle, putting its unique people-boiling skills to good use against the terrorists, suspected terrorists, and suspected possible associated of possible suspected terrorists flown in by the United States. Indeed, Uzbekistan has bought itself enough anti-anti-freedom to counterbalance the somewhat regretable human rights abominations within its borders. The Medium Lobster has consulted the formula for freedom itself and has found Uzbekistan to be hardly problematic: F = good guys not tortured or killed(bad dudes tortured or killed)In fact, when one looks at the hard numbers, America's weakest allies in the war on the war on freedom - and thus the least free - are not halfway across the world in central Asia, but much closer to home. For all its vaunted human rights record, Canada has done precious little to help torture its citizens on behalf of the United States government; indeed, it has opposed this critical counterterrorist measure at every turn. Likewise, despite Sweden's remarkably open society, the Scandanavian nation hasn't turned a single thumbscrew in the struggle against our Islamist enemy. Why, next to stalwarts like Pakistan, Egypt, and Jordan, France is a veritable red flag for regime change! Until the Bush administration starts getting serious with dirty-fingered allies in the anti-freedom axis like Germany, Luxembourg, and Holland, how can its message of freedom be taken seriously at all?
posted by Medium Lobster at 8:15 PM
 Perhaps, at this time, you may require some reassurance. Perhaps, if you are one of the handful of Americans not otherwise occupied with Amber Alerts and runaway brides and the curious sleepover habits of washed-up eighties pop stars, you may have accidentally happened upon a few bodies halfway across the world (Afwhatsistan? Bagrawho?), which may or may not have pricked whatever remains of a long-dormant and desensitized National Conscience. And you may be asking yourself what the point of all this has been, what has driven Americans halfway around the globe to sieze innocent men, beat their legs to pulp, and chain them to ceilings until they die.Regrettable, yes, but let us remember that these two eggs, like the dozens before them, and the tens of thousands before them, were broken to make the greatest and worthiest of omelettes, the most succulent of breakfasttime generational commitments, the proudest and most visionary of truck stop slop. And when it is finished and served, to whomever it is served, will it not have been worth the mound of eggshells, the broken crockery, the shattered glass, the mountain of murdered cooks, the acres of burning kitchen, the unbroken stench of dead flesh? And if that omelette is never made, won't the idea of the omelette - finer and purer and more pristine than the thing itself - have been worth them all, in the end? We must remember that for each complete failure the media reports - the innocents tortured to death without reason - there are hundreds of mere semi-failures we can never know about for reasons of vital national security, when the torture and murder of innocents stops a treacherous ticking bomb. Indeed, we must believe - no, assume - that with each new horror a new blow is struck for freedom, that with every new atrocity a fresh-painted Iraqi school blooms like a rose bud in spring. The day will come when the justice of this is made manifest, when these heaps of corpses will be vindicated as unquestionably righteous. That day is ahead of us, a bright light at the end of this dark tunnel. Can you see it growing closer, brighter, louder? Victory is bearing down on us with the sound of thunder. Labels: shmorture
posted by Medium Lobster at 4:15 PM
Thursday, May 19, 2005
 So the Air Force wants to start building space weapons. Well good for them! It's damn time somebody did something about space... and the gathering menace that lurks within its spacey void. "Oh Giblets but what in space could ever hurt us" you say stuffing your flower-painted face with whole patchouli bushes. Oh you disgust Giblets! But Giblets will tell you: Space Terror. Oh there are people who will tell you we have nothing to fear from space (hereafter to be known as "stupid people"), but they haven't seen the alien face of the terrorist threat: Moon Islamists, Martian Wahhabists, Islamofascists from beyond the Eighth Dimension - all fighting to destroy Giblets's way of orbital life in the name of the mad computer Robo-Allah!Giblets knows, and Giblets has been there, commanding the troops at the front lines, as the relentless advance of deadly space foes, moving down and to the right, down and to the left, one after the other, one after the other, never stopping, never ceasing, each destroyed enemy replaced with a lighter, faster, more deadly enemy yielding a higher bonus, the defenses crumbling, the nightmares neverending, make it stop, MAKE IT STOP!  Such is the War against Space Terror.1 And Giblets is gonna be DAMNED if he lets the Space Jihadists blow up our Moon Freedom without throwin' every space weapon there is at 'em! So hurry up, Air Force, and bring Giblets his multibillion dollar space weapons before the enemy finds the classified location of AstroJesus - for he who controls the AstroJesus controls the universe.Now for the military to finally aid Giblets in his struggle against Leprechaun Terror! Our Islamist Enemy is always after Giblets's lucky charms. 1. Or, as it is affectionately known, World War Six.
posted by Giblets at 1:00 PM
Newsweek must be destroyed - for the sake of national security! Oh, dear readers, you may have believed it to be just an innocent newsweekly with an unnatural preoccupation for health features ("Your Liver: The New Urban Nightmare?"), but through such reliable sources such as the White House and some schmuck with a keyboard you will know the truth: that Newsweek has killed over a dozen Afghans with a toilet and will do it again unless it is stopped. But that's not all. The Great Toilet Stab-in-the-Back of '05 was merely the tip of the iceberg of Newsweek's many crimes against America.
The Medium Lobster has learned that while it was spreading lies about Korans at Guantanamo Bay, Newsweek managed to torture hundreds of prisoners at Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, and Afghanistan, killing dozens of them in the process. And apparently Newsweek has not been content to torture prisoners on its own. It has also kidnapped citizens of other countries and flown them to dictatorships to be tortured! The Medium Lobster has said it before and he will, no doubt, say it again: no blood for mainstream media. If this were not enough, it has just come to my attention that Newsweek spread discredited rumors and outright lies to goad the United States into invading another country, with no justification and no plan for the occupation, costing tens of thousands of innocent lives. And not only has the lumbering dinosaur of legacy media turned to the callow slaughtering of innocents, but it hasn't even come up with an exit strategy! You can bet the plucky pajama-clad kids in the blogosphere would have us in and out of a war in a couple of months. Newsweek - and the entire liberal media! - is responsible for smearing America's good name with the blood of innocents. This is a violation which must be answered for, and there is no answer for it but the replacement of the free press with the only entity pure enough and untainted enough to restore the image of America's government: America's government. The Medium Lobster can direct you to the torches and pitchforks.
posted by Medium Lobster at 8:52 AM
Monday, May 16, 2005
So all Giblets hears these days is "Oh North Korea has nukes, oh what are we going to do about North Korea, oh we have to negotiate with North Korea." Well Giblets has the solution to ending the North Korean nuke program in minutes! But what would Giblets give North Korea? What "carrots and sticks" would he use? Behold - the possibilities are endless!
NOTHING!: Giblets does not negotiate with rogue nations! Instead he will devastate them by periodically shaking his fist and going "ooh you'd better not" and "ooh you'll be sorry" until they relent. MORE NOTHING! What do you give the rogue nation that has nothing? More nothing! Sanctions will make North Korea go from Starvingest Stalinist Dictatorship to MORE StarvingestER Dictatorship EVER! Let's see how much longer Kim Jong Il can take the pain after Giblets sanctions away his janitor's children's sumptuous dirt buffet! NOTHING... PLUS ANTI-BALLISTIC MISSILES!: Giblets does not negotiate with rogue nations... and he doesn't HAVE to, because he has spent over $200 billion on a vast and array of broken anti-ballistic missiles! When those North Korean missiles see Giblets's far more expensive and non-functional missile shield, they will be so impressed and intimidated they will drop harmlessly into the ocean to be eaten by large fish. DELICIOUS KLONDIKE BAR: What would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you shut down your nuclear weapons program, submit to a thorough inspections regime, and disarm your stock of ballistic missiles? Well Giblets doesn't care, because Giblets does not give delicious ice cream to rogue nations. That would only encourage them to develop nuclear weapons just for the sake of obtaining delicious ice cream. FAKE OUT: Giblets goes "Hey look over there - an aid package and a non-aggression pact!" While North Korea turns around goin' "Where?", Giblets makes off with up to six nuclear warheads, 100 No-Dong missiles, and 8000 spent fuel rods. Suckers! FAKE OUT 2: Giblets promises that in exchange for the dismantling of its nuclear program North Korea will receive a "wet willie," an unspecified prize too enigmatic for North Korea to resist. When the agreement is signed, however, North Korea gets nothing more - and nothing LESS - then a moistened finger swirled in its ear, to its bitter shame and eternal embarrassment! THE WEE FOLK: Giblets sits it out and waits for an assortment of mischievous pixies and gremlins to replace North Korea's plutonium with swiftly vanishing, treacherous fairy plutonium! Or for the vaporization of Tokyo, whichever comes first.
posted by Giblets at 3:28 PM
"Okay me," says me to the other me in the kitchen what's eatin all my pie, "what's the deal with you an my pie."
"I will be honest with you Fafnir even though it breaks all the laws a time an space," says other me. "I didn't wanna have to eat your pie but it was all parta my seeeecret mission from the fuuuuuuture! Wooo scary." "Oh no the future!" says me. "What can I do to help." "Well it's all pretty complicated what with all the space-time continuum an stuff," says future me. "But you might be able to help out by makin some waffles and orderin a coupla pizzas an, hey, could you loan me about twenty bucks? That'd be great." "Don't you believe me!" says the me who's just showin up. "I'm the real me from the future. That me's from the past just pretendin to be from the future so I can eat all my stuff!" "I am disappointed in you me," says me to past me. "I can't believe I did somethin like that. For shame." "I must be punished accordin to the laaaaws a tiiiime," says future me makin wiggly fingers. "Now let's not go around gettin all upset over who paradoxed what," says past me. "Let's think about all the good times instead! Like remember that time you were me an we ate all that pie?" "Hey yeah!" says me. "I remember that. Oh the memories." "Now everybody hold it right there!" says another me showin up. "I just got back from even further into the future of the future an I just came back to warn us that one of us is an IMPOSTOR!" "Oh no!" says future me. "Quick, save the pie!" says past me eatin pie. "Oh it's me, I just know it!" says the new me. "I shoulda known all along!" "Okay now settle down, there's an easy way to figure this out," says me. "I'm gonna ask a question that I don't know the answer to. Whoever gets it right hasta be the fake!" "Wow, that's such a great idea!" says future me. "I know, I'd never thinka that," says past me. "I'm nervous, what if it's me!" says other me. "Okay now here's the question so pay real close attention," says me to the other mes. "What was the first question I thoughta askin back when you were me before I ended up askin THIS question?" "I dunno," says past me. "What if I used to know the answer when I was past me but I forgot by the time I get to the future, does it still count?" says future me. "I'm all confused," says other me. "Let's go get ice cream!" says me an we all think it's a great idea an we do.
posted by fafnir at 12:08 PM
We are so sorry we've been away for so long but it will have all been worth it! We been workin on our top secret project which as you know by watchin TV an magazines an all the news everywhere is a new ultrablog to destroy all lesser blogs called The Faffingpost Times! Every day The Faffingpost Times will feature insightful commentary from over six hundred thinkers and celebrities like Al Roker, Joe Conason, David Horowitz, a primal fear of the moral chaos (for added zaz!), four out of five Baldwins, and a yet-to-be-determined muppet! A year from now The Faffingpost Times will have driven the MSM out of business. Two years from now it will have supplanted all other news sources. A hundred years from now children in schools will ask "what were newspapers and television, we don't understand the concept of them on accounta they're not The Faffingpost Times." A million years from now a new and perfect species of man made completely of energy and candy will evolve from The Faffingpost Times. And all brought to you by Fafblog, hooray! In the meantime we apologize for everything, again.
posted by fafnir at 11:00 AM
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
We're workin on it. In the meantime here's another fish - cleverly disguised in its piñata form.
posted by fafnir at 8:37 AM
Thursday, May 5, 2005
 Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, pitiful subjects everywhere! These "scientists" have told you that their "theories" are fact but in reality they peddle nothing but RUMOR AND LIES! Giblets will show that there are serious FLAWS in their so-called science - gaps which they can never explain without the divine mystery of Gibletsian intervention!"Science" says that Giblets is held to the ground by "gravity." But Giblets cannot OBSERVE gravity or reproduce in a lab. Giblets has a much simpler alternative theory: that he is held to the earth's surface by his sheer force of will, and unlike universal gravitation, Giblets sees himself all the time. What do you have to say to THAT, science! Behold this jello pudding! See how it sticks to the spoon even when it is turned upside down, in defiance of all your "science"! Can your "gravity" explain that? Well maybe Giblets doesn't care.  Is this a picture of a vase, or a picture of two faces next to each other? If a tree falls on top of you but crushes your ears, does it make a sound? If you're so smart why aren't you rich? These are true mysteries - cosmic mysteries your pitiful science can never answer! But Giblets can... and he will.You can accept your moldy old science with its unanswered questions and stupid bland facts and its "rigorous analytical processes." Or you can accept Giblets, who will provide you with the answer to all the mysteries of the universe,1 and save you the cost of funding NASA and the National Science Foundation to boot. 1. Answer: "Because Giblets said so." Labels: super science
posted by Giblets at 8:49 PM
Of late, numerous revisionist historians have tried to portray the Iraq War as somehow "unjustified" or "a deception" or "god-fuckingly misbegotten" on the basis that it was presented as a necessary war of self-defense and is being described as a chosen war of liberation now that weapons of mass destruction have failed to materialize.
This is both absurd and dishonest. There was one reason and one reason alone the United States went to war, and for those who have forgotten, allow the Medium Lobster to remind them with this chronology of the events leading up to the smashing success that has been Operation Iraqi Freedom:
posted by Medium Lobster at 3:27 PM
Sunday, May 1, 2005
"Man, this is gonna be fuckin' hilarious!" says God.
"I dunno God," says me. "I'm not sure I get it." "No, no, it's gonna be fuckin' fantastic," says God. "'Cause y'see, everybody's gonna think there's dinosaurs, and there's not! That's gold - solid gold!" "I guess that's funny," says me. "Not really ha ha funny, more like Andy Kaufmann funny." "Dude, you just don't get it," says God. "Now c'mon, you gotta check out these, these trilobites! Ohmigod! Ohmigod, these're fuckin' classic!" "I think this is like that time we were out drivin an you got all excited about stealin that 'SALAD BAR' sign over that restaurant," says me. "Know what, man, I am fuckin' starvin'," says God. "After this we're totally gettin' some tacos." Labels: great moments
posted by fafnir at 4:03 AM
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for your
listening pleasure 
The Apples In Stereo New Magnetic Wonder 
Magnetic Fields Distortion 
Celebration The Modern Tribe 
Man or Astro-Man? EEVIAC
for your
viewing enjoyment
for your
reading edification 
The World Without Us 
The Iron Wall: Israel and the Arab World 
I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets 
Invisible Cities 
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